25 December - Thursday
3:54 A.M.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! It just feels so surreal. It just feels like yesterday when it was 2002, and now it's 2003. Sometimes i feel like I forget how time passes so quickly. Can't believe it's Christmas already! I don't know, i guess looking back at this year, i have so say that it's been full of ups and downs, i guess more downs than ups. But generally, things are good. My life changed drastically when we got Orion and i'm just so attached to him. Everyday, i have to see him before after i wake up and pat him before i sleep. And this year, i met my 2 closest best friends, Joanna & Adrianna. These 2 people have contributed alot to the happiness that i've experienced this year and i also got much closer to alot of my other close friends such as Su, Marianne, Grace & others. And this year, i also performed alot too. But i don't know, on the down side, it was probably the most stressful year ever. This was probably due to the A'Levels and also, psychologically, it was the most difficult year for me too. Well, anyway, the year's almost over and here i am, all well and content on the 25th of December 2003, writing this message.

Today,  i think i had one of the best Christmas dinners. (Okay, i'm not just saying that because i made most of it! *grins*) But it was great cuz i think the last time my family actually sat down for dinner together was about 2 years ago? yeah, i guess it was about that long ago. The food was great! We had Tomato soup, Salad with Italian dressing, Squid balls, Vegetables with oyster sauce, Teriyaki Chicken, Pasta and for desert, we had chocolate fudge cake with vanilla pudding with fruits such as strawberries, cherries & blueberries as dressing. And that was fantastic. Plus, i think my brothers were really happy with their christmas gifts! I really wanted to make sure that they liked it, so i actually spent hours searching for gifts that they definitely would want.

After dinner, both my brothers went out but i decided to stay at home. I just felt this sudden urge or compulsion to look at my songs and i decided to sort them out, the last time i did that, it was 2001. So, i had them properly filed and i had to use a new file to put my new songs in, which i found was symbolic. It's a new chapter. I also counted exactly how many songs i've written in my life and it's 508. I always new it was more than 500, but i wasn't sure what the exact number was. I was able to file new songs like I Can Commit, That You Do, Shut Up, 2 Of You & 1 Of Me & Wanna Do it With? in the new file of songs and now that i don't have anything specific occupying me, like hunting for Christmas Presents or planning the Christmas dinner, i can write songs :) I realized that this year, I only wrote 4 songs! That's so little compared to the dozens i used to write in the 2000-2001 period.

Joanna got me the best Christmas present ever! I really really wanted this top from Bods and she actually got me the exact thing that i wanted! And i think she must like the present i got her too, *laughs* It was a book called "Satisfaction". Anyway, it's 4:15 A.M. now and i should be goin off now :)
Merry Christmas to you all again!


21 December - Sunday
4:36 P.M.

How 'bout goin slow?

It's been raining and the weather's so chilly, it's great. I had hot tomato soup for lunch and it just felt so cozy, snuggling up in bed watchin TV. Well, i woke up quite early today, about 10 a.m. cuz Rohai had to leave. Last night was fun, though it really wasn't what i expected. We sorta club hopped and ended up staying in one till bout 3:20 a.m. and i ended up bumping into some people who i weren't sure i really wanted to bump into. Plus, to add to the drama, my contact lenses were fucking with me and i actually took them out and put them somewhere after a while! So, i was partially blind after 4 am! Anyway, the atmosphere was good and i really wanted to go out cuz this was Rohai's last night out till he "goes in" so, i thought i really wanted to be part of the celebration or "goodbye" party. Well, there was 5 of us and it was good though, i wish i didn't bump into those few that i wasn't sure I was ready to bump into. It's sorta like taking drugs, once you get hooked, you just can't stop. And there i was grooving with someone, who i know i sorta dig and the chances of us getting "serious" being kinda high, i didn't excuse myself but  just kept grooving. Well, i guess part of me wanted to groove with this person, though the other half just wanted to dance with Rohai and the gang. Yeah, i sorta thought that last night would be dancing with the gang and it would be a "dancing with the friends thing". I wasn't prepared for meeting anyone that i've met before or stuff. Though, i guess it was my mistake. I mean, i sorta suggested goin to that club! *grins* Though, the people there were hotter than the other clubs, so perhaps it was worth it?

Christmas is in 4 days and i haven't finished gettin presents yet. Okay, i managed to finish gettin stuff for friends, but i haven't really finished gettin stuff for my brothers. So, tonight, i'm going Christmas Presents shopping. I decided on something cool for my brothers and i searched all around town on Friday and i managed to get some ideas on what i wanna get. I realized that i always spend so much cash on other people but not on myself. That's why, in Baltimore, i bought lotsa stuff for myself. I mean, i barely shop and i guess just buying stuff once in a while is ok. That day, i got Madonna's American Life album. I thought it was fantastic when i previewed it in the Pasir Ris Library and Nobody Fails rocks. And yesterday, i saw her "Love Profusion" video which was really cool. So, i thought what the hec? i'll just get it. At Tower, there was a DJ and he was playing this really cool fusion dance music album which i absolutely fell in love with. It's called Karmix Kuon Ganjo and it's from this dance artist from France. The music was just superb! Though, there are only 12 songs in the "album" and it costs $35! I could buy Alicia Keys' and Enrique's album with that! I don't know, i feel like spending on myself though. I rarely do and i think i deserve it! Why you ask? Well, cuz i just think so!

I have to say that Britney's album, In the Zone is much better than any of her other albums. Though all i could hear in "Me Against the Music" was just heavy breathing! I guess the fusion music really goes with her stuff. I would have to say that "Outrageous" is a really cool track. It was produced by R.Kelly and it is filled with "bollywood drama" as the Straits Times put it. It's got some indian beats and it goes well with her. Though Rohai said that the whole album sounds like a whole big orgasm! Ha. I gotta get Alicia's new album. I thought the latest single was fantastic and i heard the whole album in Baltimore, in some shop, somewhere, and it was fantastic. I think Chingy's latest track with Snoop and Luda is fantastic. I was watching the video that day and it was cool!

Adrianna and Dewi are working at Indochine and Joanna's gonna get a job, Jinesh is also getting something at Junction 8 or something and my other friend John has 2 jobs! 2! one as a waiter and one as something else! And i'm here not doing anything at all! My brother was saying that i could get a job but i was like, "There's no time" and he was like, "Well, make time" but i don't know. I really gotta settle so much stuff and i really wanna use this time to write some songs and reflect on other stuff. I have been having loads of ideas in relation to song-writing and i can't wait to put them down on paper. I actually wrote a song on my way to New York and it was called "Hold Up The Drama" and lately, i've been very inspired to write stuff. Before that, i wrote "Deadlock (No Reason)", which i performed at my prom. I so wanna finish writing "Cairo, My Constitution, Operation Last Conversation" and some other tracks. In this past year, i've written songs halfway more than finishing them all the way!  would have to say that "Wanna Do It With?" is my favorite track that i wrote this year. I think it sorta has this ambiguity, that i like.

"When i get lost in space, i can return to this place cuz, you're the one". Well, a line from "Nothing Fails", and i gotta be signing off now :) I'll definitely be writing something soon, and stuff, now that i have time on my hands. Plus, i miss writing stuff on my site!

See ya!

20 December - Saturday
9:55 P.M.

The more i think, the more i hate

I'm back. Well, i came back about 3 days ago or so. Well, it took me about 2 days to recuperate from the 24 hour wretched flight back. Okay, from New York to Amsterdam, it was terrible. And i mean, terrible. Firstly, the turbulence was crazy and they had to suspend the in-flight service, which didn't really bother me cue i was on the verge of puking. It felt like i was on a roller coaster ride. Only that, the ride kept going and going and going... you know what i mean? Yeah, i had to have a paper bag beside me, just in case. Atleast, from Amsterdam to Singapore, it was better, though i was sandwiched between my brother and this guy who didn't really smell nice. But anyway, i'm back and well.

When we (my brother & I) reached New York, the Newark Airport, it was empty. After reading the news on Msn.com about the snow blizzard, i expected chaos, people running back to get on the flights that were continued and people standing to queue for their tickets. But nothing. The snow cleared the night before and there was little snow. Yeah, a blanket over everything, but that was it. So, off we were to Baltimore, Maryland by train as the flight tickets were all booked. When we got to Maryland, we had already traveled for like 30 hours or so, across the world. I was tired and all i wanted was a bed. We got to our hotel, The Days Inn Inner Harbor hotel and we slept the night.

Baltimore was really unique. It was empty compared to Singapore. Here, people are everywhere and places are always crowded but in Baltimore, there wasn't much people. Perhaps, cuz it was winter, people were staying home or something. But it was just generally less crowded and more peaceful. A small city with many high-rise buildings. There were business buildings and several universities all around. Well, i guess it's only tourists and college kids and perhaps some businessmen who visit this city. I somehow felt that it was a very cozy place and people we met were just so friendly. Our hotel was also strategically about 2 minutes from the harbor. So, we were able to walk to the harbor and have lunch or dinner there and it was very serene feeling. There was snow only on the first day in Baltimore. After that, it sorta became sunny and the temperature ranged from like 0 degrees Celsius to about 4. It isn't like Los Angeles or Manhattan, where you have theme parks or an Empire State building. Basically, the city is a historical & cultural district, and there are practically dozens of museums and cultural sites. There's also the original George Washington memorial in the middle of the city. There's also the first church that was ever built in America. So, alot of historical significance in that place. I felt very comfy. The people were friendly, the surroundings were so picturesque and the food was fantastic, what more could i want? Oh yeah, talking bout the food, i was having italian almost every day and i got hooked to the calzones which were fantastic.

Well, i guess i should be talking about my aim of the trip which was to meet with the record company executives right? *grins* Yeah, that went quite well actually. I think i managed to get the answers to all the questions that i wanted and basically, i had 2 meetings with him. It was refreshing to get a lowdown on the company and i guess, it allowed me to clarify stuff that i had in my mind. And yeah, i have the contract with me now. Just gotta get certain parts of it edited before i can certainly sign it and stuff. But yeah, generally, i'm quite happy with the outcome of the trip and the meetings. It was all a bit surreal. Here i was, always wanting a break and a chance to meet record company executives and when i was there, it just felt so surreall and i'm so excited. Well, i haven't gotten much done yet. I took a day or 2 to rest and i'll have to get a lawyer to look at the contract and then, i'll have to settle other stuff before i can get it done. But i think i'll settle it all by late January or early Feb. When i was there, i just felt so grateful. I mean, i think to be able to have this opportunity is something that i've always dreamt of, but i never imagined it ever coming true. I always wanted it, and i really worked hard for it, but i never knew that god bless me this way.

The trip was more than just a holiday or a business meeting. The aim was to go there and meet the people and also have fun at the same time but it also allowed me time for reflection. I thought about the whole year and everything, about the people in my life and the relationships that i have. After the A's, i never really had a break. I had to do loads for my performance for the prom, then go for the prom and plan for my trip once the prom was over. So, there i was in Baltimore, finally, able to take a breather and sit and think. There was no timetable or alarm clock and it felt good. I think it made it realize that this was it, college was over and this is chapter 3. It just made me realize that from now on, things are gonna change and change drastically. And being there in Baltimore and planning for stuff, i also realized that at one point in time, i would be leaving home too. I guess, in a way, the trip helped me get away from reality and think about it. And that was good. I guess i also realized that i cannot give up on this aim. I have come so far and no matter what obstacles that come by, i'll have to overcome them to get it. I felt motivated and i believed in myself. I don't think i was even that motivated for the A'levels! Oops. The trip also allowed me to ponder about my existing relationships with people and basically, the people in my life. And i think it  helped that my brother was there to give me advice on the stuff i had to say. I have to say that it was kinda cool to hear his opinion about my personal problems.

I felt really liberated. The TV was my main addiction. I was watching Sex and the City, Will & Grace and all other sitcoms/movies every day. I'm so hooked Will & Grace. I think Karen's hilarious! One of my New year resolutions is to get the all the seasons of Sex & the City and Will & Grace on DVD/VCD to watch! *hint hint* (It would make a perfect Christmas or New Year's present? ha) And i bought a few books from Barnes & Noble.

Anyway, gotta go now. Gonna be having some friends over and then, we are heading to a few clubs. So, i'll talk to ya'll later :)


07 December - Sunday
8:50 A.M.


I remember years back, in 1999, when i was secondary 3, and i was doing my first album Chronic. I remember how much fun i had, with launching my first web site, www.steve-chronic.com, which had 4 entrances. And there was a chronic symbol. I recorded the album in the March period and i remember taking a taxi after school and rushing to the Bedok industrial park to get it recorded. And i also remember gettin the the finished copy from the studio and feeling so disappointed at how bad the singing and production quality was. But i guess, Chronic , to me, was more symbolic than anything else. It was the first time i had my music in a CD, with a proper name and with a proper tracklist. Prior to that, my "albums" were all recorded in tapes via my tape recorder. So, i guess, although it wasn't anything breakthrough in performance (believe me, it wasn't at all! I actually thought some songs were unlistenable!) it was symbolic and it meant something to me. And then, i never thought that i would get record company recognition and the people would actually be interested in a boring, 14 year old from a country that people usually mistaken to be in the Middle East or a province of China. Steve-Chronic was fantastic... the first time i was connected to the world.. the first time people could hear my music and tell me about it. It was like a huge promotions campaign.

So, this is it. Tonight, i'll be going to Baltimore, Maryland, USA, to meet record company executives. It all feels so surreal. I always dreamt about it, to be able to have people to recognize me for my singing, and here it is. It's a bit nerve wrecking, i mean, the first time i meet the Director of A&R, he's gonna give me a tour of the company and introduce to me to all the other people in the company. A bit overwhelming actually, when i think about it. Well, i'm just thanking god for the grace and love. There are so many aspiring singers out there, and i'm just really lucky to get this opportunity. To all those aspiring singers out there, please don't give up. I did everything i could, to try to get my music out and i'm sure, if you have the encouragement and drive, you'll be able to make it. Just don't listen to all those who put you down. I had people telling me that i couldn't make it, or just took me as a joke. Ultimately, what really matters is what you want, and how far you are gonna go to achieve it. If you think you can do it, then you can, and really, you shouldn't let anybody rob away that dream or perception. Our time in this world is so short, and i'd rather die trying, then die wondering. And i hope that all the aspiring singers out there would go all out to get your goals. Cuz, the music industry always wants new faces, new singers and new styles and i'm sure you can do it. What you need is just strength, to have a vision and not falter from it.

All the packing has been done. Now, it's just worrying about the small stuff. The hotel's been booked and generally, i have a good idea about traveling there internally. There is a snow blizzard there in Maryland now. How nice. And it's -5 degrees Celsius. So, it's gonna be so darn cold. Lately, i've been listening to alot of jazz.. i guess cuz it's so relaxing and with all this stress, it's allowed me to just go "ahh" and sit back and type. Mostly, it's Norah Jones and Diana Krall. But i wanna go and explore more jazz music. Perhaps get a compilation that's full of jazz artists. I'm also enjoying more Broadway music, like Shirley Bassey. I really like the remix track that was featured on the Elizabeth soundtrack, "Where Do I Begin". Her vocals are fantastic. Lately, i've also been listening to loads of music from garageband.com. I think the music there is fantastic and if you haven't gone there to check out the cool artists, then it's high time you do. There's this really cool Rock/Electronic/Pop track from Sci-Fi Lullaby and it's called Automatic. I think it was my favorite track last year. You should take a listen to it, it sounds like it's produced by William Orbit and those guys are damn talented. And then there's this other track, "What they call me" by Southerndrawl. This guy's rap sounds like Bubba Sparxx, and with the music and the beats just clanging in your ears, you'll fall in love with it. You know, i sound like a garageband representative! ha. Well, it's good for those of you who can't download from KaZaa and stuff. Cuz, garageband's free and the music is great, what more do you need?

I'm a bit nervous. I suck at saying the right things at the right time, especially when i'm talking to people who are older. Cuz i get nervous, and i fumble. Urgh. Well, i really wanna pig out at the airport today. For the past few days, i've been stuffing myself with porridge which tastes like gruel. So, i wanna pig out.. with chocolate...or sushi! *grins*

Well, i should go now :) I wanna read a book and just relax before my flight. i'll be back by the 18th or 20th, depending on the load. Wish me luck.


06 December - Saturday
6:00 P.M.

On the Way

Well, it's almost time for me to start packing. It's been such a busy day. Yesterday, it was such a painful day. I was having that really bad gastric pain and i was also vomiting. I just hate having to stay in bed and not do anything. Plus, at this time when i really need to do so much stuff. I almost got to talk to the lawyer, but cuz i was cringing in pain, i thought it would better if i waited for the pain to stop, so that i wouldn't be moaning and groaning when i talk to him.

You know what i'm yearning for.. cookies. Lots of chocolate chip cookies, brownies and fudge cakes... *mmmm* with loads of chocolate! And loads of Apricot Brandy. ahhh. With my wretched stomach bitchin' like this, i cannot eat meat today. i just had a sandwich just now from Subway, and i had to rush straight to the toilet after like 20 minutes. *grrr* Anyway, screw that. Atleast i feel better know. This whole gastric thingy came up due to the fact that after my prom, i slept for like 12-14 hours with no break, without waking up to eat. And my stomach was kinda empty the night before, due to the fact that i couldn't eat much due to the annoying fact that i was performing and the waiters cleared the food that Joanna kept for me. *GRR* Anyway, screw that! Damn.. i need chocolate now.

I decided to postpone my trip to tomorrow, as i felt that one day later would be better, as the record guy that i am meeting is only free from Wednesday onwards. So, when i leave Singapore tomorrow on the 7th, Sunday, i'll reach there on the 7th as well. I'll be stopping over at Frankfurt, then New York, then Baltimore! Ha! Talk about a trip.
Anyway, i gotta go. I'll try to pop in before i go :)


05 December - Friday
7:35 A.M.

Uh Ooh! Uh Ooh!

i'm just addicted to Lumidee's Never Leave You (Uh Ooh! Uh Ooh!). It's just goin on and on and on in my head! Anyway, the prom's over! Well, i guess it was not bad... *cough* I guess i expected it to be a little bit more fun. Though, i guess the prom's been glamorized by all the attention and emphasis that's given by all the students due to their impression of the American Proms. But it was a really really tiring day! I remember i had only had 2 hours of sleep, woke up at 7:30 and had to leave ASAP to Orchard Road. I didn't have any pants and i had to go Zara to get some. So, i had to carry all the bags to Orchard, via bus and then, once i was there, i had to go pants and tie hunting in Takashimaya and that was not bad though i wasn't really feeling really well. I slightly had a bad throat and bad stomach pains. So, after getting all the clothes thing done, i had to rush to Orchard Hotel. Of course, to brighten up my day, i had to meet this obnoxious driver, who i felt was quite getting on my nerves. well, this was how our conversation went:

(Gettin into the taxi...)

Me: Hey, i need to go to Orchard Hotel. Do you know how to get there?
Driver: (No Response)
After 1 minute
Me: Do you know how to get to Orchard hotel?
Driver: Do you know that we are professionals? Of course we do.
Me: Oh ok. It's just that i've been in taxis where the drivers have got lost themselves, so i just wanted to check.
Driver: Where are you from?
Me: Singapore
Driver: Do you know that some taxi drivers are graduates are taxi drivers?
Me: Yes i do. I was just checking because i have met some drivers who are sometimes not sure too

I don't think i've ever met such a rude driver before. And all his responses were laced with so much scorn. Anyway, gettin back to the story, so, got to the hotel, and had to go for singing rehearsals in the ballroom, as i was performing for the Prom night. Thankfully, Dewi & Sharier came later and checked in with me and we had room access. The only rest i had was like 30 minutes at the lounge, where i was having a drink. After that, it was just work, work, work! So, to cut the story short, it was singing rehearsal, dress up, watch Dewi and her sister quibble, gasp at Adri's transformation and yeah. Then, we were off to the prom.

Oh yeah, we must not forget the great picture taking session that was going on before the prom actually started. It was just flash flash flash all over. I think i finished like 1 and a half rolls of film. I gotta thank Joanna alot though. She got me this beautiful bouquet of roses due to the fact that i was performing and it was great. The dinner was ok - could have been a bit better though. Though, i couldn't really eat due to the fact that i had to miss like 30 minutes of the prom due to the fact that i had to change for my performance. I felt that my performance could have been better though everybody seemed to have liked it! And i thought i could have done better - my mum was saying that it was probably due to the lack of sleep and tons of stress that i was having. Then after the prom, it was straight to the club, though the line for it was crazy so instead of goin to Zouk, we went to Phuture and it was really really crowded. At one point, i actually felt like my arm was gonna break! And people were pushing and shoving like fucking animals. It was some crazy shit, believe me. But atleast the music was fantastic. There were 3 Dj's and the music was done so fantastically, the guess the pushing and shoving was probably worth it. And i was pinched and groped at all places and i'm not even sure from who! Ha. And Adri looked so cute drunk. Ha. Dewi had a cap on and had that whole Jlo thing goin on, thought it was kinda cool. Well, i was really really tired though. After that, back to hotel, sorta hung out a bit and watched Forest Gump, while drinking some fruit juice. I'm addicted to that too! Peel Fresh's Grape & Cranberry juice is so damn addictive.

It feels a bit nostalgic. Like it doesn't feel like as if college or the Prom's over. I mean, this is really it. I remember waiting for it to finish, but i never expected to, so soon. I guess time has really flown.  I guess it's a good thing. It's gonna be Christmas soon, and the year's gonna end. And then, 2004. It just felt like yesterday it was 2003 and i was dreading to go back to college. I never really had time to think about stuff, for it to finally sink in, but i guess, the more i think about it, the more i feel like as if this whole experience has really helped me, in quite a few ways. I mean, i'm not expecting good marks from my A'levels, actually i bet they'll probably suck, but no matter what, i think life would give me the oppurtunities that i need and want. I guess i feel like i'm at this point in my life where i can take on anything! *grins*
College has made me grow up in many ways. I mean, i feel more all rounded and i met the most fasntastic friends (you know who you are) and i'll never regret it.

I so better sleep. Though i'm not in Maryland, i'm probably already in their timezone! Well, i'll try my best to leave a message tomorrow. I will be heading off to Maryland on Sunday, 7th December. I'll be stopping over at Amsterdam and then goin to New York where i'll be taking an internal flight to Maryland. Then, i'll be goin to Baltimore. I really do hope that i'd have the oppurtunity ti visit D.C and get a tour of the Whitehouse. Oh yeah, and i got my international Student card done that day! I also wanna go to the U.N. headquarters too. I heard that i could go for the tour in the headquarters and i bet it would be fantastic. Anyway, i gotta go.

See ya.

02 December - Tuesday
7:05 A.M.

Chocolate Coated coffee beans

I know, it's 7 am.. and it's probably kinda strange that i'm sitting here in my bright study room, munching on chocolate coated coffee beans.. "Why the hell is he eating coffee beans" you say? well, apart from the fact that it's freakin addictive, i don't really know why! Considering that i haven't slept since last night, i think coffee beans are probably the last thing i need! I've never tasted these before though - thanks to joanna, i can know put this on the list of my aphrodisiacs.

Anyway, i'm so glad the damn exams are over. I don't know if it has sorta sunken in to me yet.. it still doesn't feel like as if the A'levels are over.. it feels like as if, school's gonna start in like 2 weeks and everythin's gonna get back to that normal, mundane routine. I guess it's post exam stress... or an A'level hangover. Urgh. Well, i don't know i just feel a bit nostalgic. I guess if the papers were better, i would feel much better about it? The A's are probably the last thing that i'm gonna pondering about. I mean, i'm just tooo tired thinkin about it. Though, it feels wierd - 2 years of my left depended on it, and still towards the end, it didn't feel like the "A levels", it just felt like any other exam.. Ha. Anyway, that's it. i'm not gonna talk about anything school or study related. No no!

Well, there's been loads of things i've been doing since the exams (Damn! I said it) finished. My trip to Maryland's on the 7th of December and there's been loads of stuff to plan. It's been so hectic. Last weekend, i had a great time celebrating Su's birthday and we had dinner at Fish & Co. and there were alot of cool people there and it was fantastic. I mean, i remember just focusing on the evening and not bothering about tomorrow - it was my first taste of freedom. Anyway, after that we chilled out a bit more and Joanna and i chilled at me place and we watched a movie. After that day, i was running errands like crazy.. too many to mention here though! I had to get stuff ready for the prom too, which is tomorrow. I finally found something to wear today, though i'm not sure if i'm really satisfied with it, so i'm going shirt hunting tonight - i know, what good time management. my prom's tomorrow and i'm searching for clothes today. well, joy to the world.

*Listens to Ludacris' Stand Up* This week's so chaotic. Prom's tomorrow, and thursday, i bet i'll have a hangover *grins* and Friday, gotta practice my SAT's cuz i'm doin it on Saturday, and sunday's my flight. And i haven't even freakin packed!

I remember people telling me how they felt that when they got older, they felt that their experiences jaded them and that they felt more cynical with their perspectives towards people and i always felt that perhaps, not everyone would go through that stage. I always had this feeling that if we totally stuck to our beliefs, no matter what experiences we went through (bad or good), life wouldn't really jade us. I guess i can say that i am a victim of my naivety. Perhaps i'm just a bit too accomadating to people? I don't know. Sometimes i feel that i trust people too easily. But i just can't have a negative perspective of someone, unless i had a bad experience with that individual. Lately, i've been experiencing certain negative incidents and they have (sort of) painted a new perspective, towards my outlook on life and the people around me. I guess, nothing's the way it seems right? But all in all, i feel satisfied. I feel as if, i'm at this moment in life where i feel very optimistic and i don't think it's a momentary feeling.

I realized that it's gonna be Christmas and then, New Year's. It's gonna be 2004. 2003 just flew by.. its' crazy. It just felt so blur to me. Anyway, i better be gettin to sleep. *yawns*


21 September - Sunday
6:21 P.M.

A Rain Check, for now

i'll be gone, before it happens. Turn to stone, lose my faith, i'll be gone, before it happens. I had a great  great weekend. Joanna and I chilled a few times and i finally bought Madonna's Music album. Which i personally love. And then, we went out and had dinner on Thursday. Friday was a blast - i had one of the best times. i was covered with quite a few strangers' sweat but well, atleast it wasn't that bad. Atleast i wasn't covered with other stuff. *grins* And well, i considered the whole thing a learning experience.

I think thewhole prelims just made me realize something - that i am capable of doing something if i wanted to. Well, i think the only good thing that came out of it was the pressue it put on me and perhaps making me realize what i thought i knew, but i didn't. But i think it's really a motivating factor. I have stopped TV, computer's gonna go too and from tomorrow onwards, i'll be in school 6 times a week to study.

I have done quite a lot of reflection - the compliments, the comments, the faces - they are transcient. But what i do and what i want to accomplish would always be there and so, yeah, i decided to just work my soul out on these exams and this time, there are gonna be no disruptions.

I'm gonne be signing off now and i'll be back in December. I promise. There'll be a bew website design, loads of new photos and well, a whole new free me :)

See you then!
Steve Andre Prasad.

05 September - Friday
8:43 P.M.


What a shame. All the talented gays and foreign gays are just afraid of this regime and don't wanna stay in Singapore. The fact that the laws are just being relaxed just for economic reasons just makes it seem repulsive. i mean, what about the social aspect? Anyway, This place still has alot more to learn and still has a long time to go till it can be a "modern" society.

Sometimes i don't really get those people who sorta condemn homosexuality and deny the existence of it in society. Perhaps, i'm just not a religious person so i can't really get their point of view.

I had a nice hot soup for dinner - i was sneezing all day today! Well, tomorrow's gonna be serious studying. hmmm..
See ya.

02 September - Tuesday
2:11 A.M.

On a Sugar-High

It's been a few months since i thought that i would be able to relive those feelings that i decided, that i was going to discard. That i was going to look at the future - and perhaps just run away from the bricks of the past and just enjoy the freedom of pouring out all my attention on myself. I guess i was wrong. Yesterday and today was a great experience for me. Not a revelation, but an experience and perhaps, even more than that. For the last 3-5 days, i've been tired and unfocused and with all the disruptions.. (teacher's day.. going to the hospital.. exam anxiety..) i haven't been able to focus on what i should be focusing on  - my exams. I have one later at 8, one tomorrow and the day after that. I know that these are gonnna motivate me - considering the fact that i'm not fully prepared for one. I guess, what yesterday and today did was tell me that what i really gotta do is write those aims out and focus, regardless of the obvious distractions or should i say distraction. Just like how every cover has it's case, i know i have one too. Perhaps, it's not exactly what i need right now. Either that, or it's not the right one. But atleast, it's one. And atleast, i think, it would always be one.

The candles were lit dim and the mood was great - calling it passionate would just be an understatement and perhaps, cliche' as it sounds, it was like a movie. Classic and great to revisit when bored on in need of memory. The feeling of focusing every touch, feeling and thought to something so specific and perfect, sometimes the act itself surpasses the theory. I feel focused now, perhaps i could be more driven (i blame that on my lethargy), but i'm focused and i know what i want.

i'm gonna go do some work now but i'll be writing stuff when i can. But i'm gonna be very very busy with my exams. That i can assure ya.


27 August - Wednesday
8:25 P.M.


I slept for 16 hours yesterday. Although the GP (English paper) was tiring..i didn't think i needed 16 hours to recouperate. Though, i didn't sleep at all the night before my exam. I couldn't. I was so damn anxious and i don't know why. Though it's all my bed's fault. It just speaks to me whenever i walk past it... "Steve... Steve.. come and lay on my sheets and spread your arms on my pillows... spread my blanket on your sweaty self and relax.. just close your eyes and dream..caresss the satin and silk pillows with your naked arms.. " It just draws me! Even just now! Okay, please do NOT think that i have a relationship with my bed. I don't. I mean, it does satisfy most of what i want (it's not what you're thinkin).. i'm referring to the rest and sleep!. I succumbed to it's yearn and gave in to an hour of sleep.. nice but guilty sleep. The oppurtunity cost i had to make to quench it's calls!

Anyway, i decided to leave a mesage cuz it's a good way to relieve the stress. Today i didn't do as much as i wanted. Kept getting distracted (by my bed!) and yeah, i wasn't so driven in the morning. Well, i really gotta go now, but i'll holla back later!


24 August - Sunday
10:51 P.M.

Dizzy from the... everything!

Well... i think i accomplised quite alot today... mamaged to cram facts into my head though, i always feel that it's not enough. I think i was focused today though, i would have probably achieved more in school. Well, i decided to put a message in today because i don't think i would be putting anything anymore until my exam finishes. *groans* Yup, i'm gonna refrain from switchin on the computer. Plus, i don't wanna get distracted by my e-mails and icq. Especially Icq! Ha! Well, i'm gonna start doing some more work at 11 till i don't know when and yup! I feel tired! I was doing mainly GP the whole day.. surprising though, i want to spend time of learning facts and good arguments to put out in Essays. Plus, i did an essay and now i'm gonna go through some literature before i crash in bed.

My grandma's here! Which is great cuz i really do miss her, though it's really wrong timing as i can't spend time with her and i gotta study. I haven't touched one of my subjects at all! I'll have to! Arghhh. I wanna be 80% prepared for these exams and 'im going to! Well, i better go.. it's 10:58.. wish me luck.


21 August - Thursday
4:34 P.M.

Hospital beds are so uncomfortable...

Yesterday was the most painful day of my life. I don't know how to explain it. From Tuesday & Wednesday, i had a bad throat and tonsil infection, of which i didn't go to school and stuff. And yesterday, at about 5 or 6 P.M... i felt this pain in my stomach.. i just disregarded it. I thought it was a normal gastric pain. I ate stuff yesterday though, i ate some bread & curry in the mornin and i had a chicken wing, and apple in the afternoon and stuff. Then, at about 9, the pain got unbearable. I couldn't take it. I felt like something was eating me from inside. I had already gone to the toilet 3 times and puked twice, of which all my dinner came out. The pain was excruciating and i remember telling myself, that i would have preferred dying. Believe me, i would have. And i just stayed in bed and turned and groaned and i couldn't sleep.. i couldn't walk.. eat or do anything. Everything i ate, i threw up.

Well, the pain became so bad that my mum said that she's gonna have to take me to the hospital. At 1:30 something.. my brother drove me there.. and i was so grateful.. He had like school in the morning, lessons from 9-6pm and here he was driving me all the way there *hugs* And then, well, after that, i was brought to the Accident & Emergency area and things went quite quickly from there. I was brought to see a doctor and he put the fuckin dribs so damn hard that i shouted and screamed that they had to sedate me or something, i think. I can't really remember much after that, accept for being wheeled into a room and stuff. And i slept on a hospital bed.. it had a plastic covering and the blanket was kinda thin though the room was freezin. I just remember clutching the blanket. For once in 18 hours, i was sleepin, without cursing life.

After a few hours, the pain sorta subsided and the medicine they game me, must have worked. So, i was brought home and i slept. Though, unfortunately for me, that was'nt all for me. I woke up at 7 am with the pain again.. It was crazy. Worst than the night before and i couldn't take it. Well, my mym gave me some porriage and i puked that out. I even puked out the medicine. Then, she was gonna get me to the hospital again. Lukily, i slept and i just woke up like 1 hour ago and i drank glucose. I guess, that's what i can eat for the next 2 days. No food, just glucose.

Well, what a week. How nice that my exams start next week. Anyway, i'm gonna go shower and start studying. *sighs*


19 August - Tuesday
3:26 P.M.

I just wanna sleep..

I didn't go to school today. I just felt this bad feeling on my throat.. and i can't really talk much now though, annoyingly. I'm still listenin to my fave track, Fragile by Kylie. I haven't been putting messages on my page cuz i've been trying to keep away from the computer due to the fact that my exams are in 8 days (I have a countdown on my cupboard!) and i have been studying. Though, yesterday i was so darn tired i slept at 11! I'm quite glad that today, i managed to focus and get stuff going. I feel proud of myself. I really really wanna do well in these exams, though i think i really need to be able to get enough sleep. I've been having erratic dreams... and little sleep. I remember i dreamt that my nose was bleeding and it kept bleeding that i bled to death. Yeah, it was more of a nightmare.

I wrote a song yesterday, and it was something that me feel.. connected. And i say that cuz, it's usually through my writing, that i'm able to connect with myself and sometimes, i neglect that. It felt good. I haven't named it yet.. though the chorus starts with "I just wanna sleep"... (explains the title of today's entry)

Well, i really gotta go as my 10 minute break has come up and i've gotta go continue studying. I will leave a message back again!


05 August - Tuesday
11:09 A.M.

Should i stay or shoud i go?

i'm feeling quite okay actually :) Tired, but what's new? Suddenly, there's this energy and spark of wanting to succeed that's been brewing up in me, since yesterday. I feel driven and i like that feeling. I still haven't decided exactly what i'm going to perform, but i got an idea in my head. Though, today has been quite productive. I've been paying attention and actually studying! I do'nt know.. i hope this doesn't mean that i'm sick.. *ha*

Tomorrow's gonna be interesting, i'm gonna be learning French, for a day.. and other stuff.. like Literature & Psychology. I signed up for these courses that my school sorta had. It is somewhat compulsory. How intereasting. But well, i'm gonna use the oppurtunity to learn new stuff. And then, on Friday, it's national day. I know, double fun. Atleast, i'll get to ditch the uniform for some outside clothes, for once. And i have a lecture after the celebration, joy to the world again.

Lately, i've been thinking alot of stuff. From school to relationships snd to life. I think i'm really sorting things out, as to what i need to do and accomplish and what i really need to think about. I don't know, but i guess it's the pressure that's sorta making me think like that. But anyway, my responses on my site might get less frequent, cuz i'm cutting off my net time to study.

I had my fave Caramel Frap yesterday at Starbucks. *mmm* That was probably the highlight of the week :P
See Ya.

03 August - Sunday
1:59 P.M.

A Feeling hard to describe...

It's been quite a good weekend. I realize that the worst distraction i have from studying.. is my cell phone. I end up having a conversation for an hour whenever my pals call! So, i'm switching it off now on and off. Today, i feel good.. i feel really optimistic and i really wanna accomplish stuff today. *laughs* And i am!

31 July - Thursday
9:48 A.M.

I Need Coffee!

It's about time for my next lesson and i don't know why i'm so damn tired. I had like 5 hours of sleep yesterday. So far, my studying is so slow.. but i'm gonna persist. I really gotta think of focusing! Today's been so damn tired *yawn* I think if i had to chose between sleep and sex, i'd chose sleep! Anyway, I'm probably gonna walk out after my next lesson (which is obviously against the rules, but wait, does it sound like Steve bothers? *grins*) And i'm gonna go to the library in the city and study :) And i'll get myself a nic hot coffee and read. See, i have a plan.

Today, it's gonna be a rush. After studying, i've gotta go for a Doctor's appointment at 2:30 P.M and i'll be meeting my Dad before that. I don't know how long that would take though.. though i guess i'll be getting my chest scanned and stuff. Once that is over, i would probably go back to the library and study till the night.. and then, rush off home for the interview. The camera men would be at my place at like 9:15.. and i'd have to sing a little too. I haven't decided on what to sing yet though.. i was thinking of one of my old tracks like, "More", "Don't Wanna Give My Baby Back", "Scorching Heat", "Proxy" or something like that. I really like those songs from that era.. very soulful. Now i'm just too damn pop. Once my exams are over, i really wanna write what i really really feel and get in touch with the prasad that i have left behind.

Did i mention that i need some coffee?? There's this fantastic cafe' in the library in Orchard that gives the best potato wedges and the best Oreo-Coffee thingy. The potatoes are hot, crispy.. and just fantastic.

Potatoes *mmmm*

29 July - Tuesday
3:01 P.M.

No school for 2 days

yup, i didn't go to school on Monday and yesterday, but today's more productive than yesterday, however. My cough's still there and my sneezing hasn't stopped. I have a doctor's appointment with a specialist in a hospital in town on thursday. Well, i wanted a good specialist, and so i decided that i might as well see a good one in Mount E and get some scans done for my chest. So, i've had like an extended weekend of 5 days :) Though, i'm glad i'm not missing any school, cuz my teachers didn't really come to school today and there weren't much lessons.

The representative in charge of this year's Music Awards has "cordially invited" me to sing at this year's ceremony. With my voice like this with all the coughing? hrm.. Well, i think it would probably be in September or something. Though, i don't know why i'm invited to sing again, considering that they didn't do that to last year's winner. I was contemplating of singing either my songs or something from a singer i like. If i could sing something apart my stuff, i would probably sing Cry Me A River by Justin T, as i really like that track. Though, i was thinking that this would be a good oppurtunity to sing my own tracks and promote my own music, since last year, i didn't do that, as i wanted to appeal to the mass audience. Hrm.. i was thinking of a medly of Under Your Skin & Once. Though, my main aim is to sing something that wouldn't take too much of my time as i wanna concentrate on my studies.

Oh yeah, on Thursday, i have a interview and it's gonna be filmed in my room. It's supposed to be in my room and it's gonna be focused on my music and stuff. It's gonna be a short one and maybe i'll have it put up on the site, once it's done. Sorta like a documentary.

I read something interesting today on msn.com, it's about the 1st Gay Public High School that's gonna be opened in NYC. It's gonna be just for gays, lesbians and transgender students. I think that is something intreresting to think about. Atleast, progess in society is happenin slowly. Yup, i've been very much a news freak these past few days.. gulping everything down from the attempted coup in the Philippines to the death of Saddam's sons. Who needs reality TV?

27 July - Sunday
3:45 P.M.

Catch My Breath

Innocent, that's my way
Don't know where I am
Catch my breath, can't think straight
Gotta make a plan

But I get butterflies
Water in my eyes

'cause I'm fragile when I hear your name
Fragile when you call
This could be the nearest thing to love
And I'm fragile when I hear you speak
Fragile feeling small
This could be the closest thing to love

Shake and sweat, wipe my brow
Scared of what's to come
Lie awake, toss and turn
Am I the only one

i love this track. I just felt like i had to put it.. and guess what, this is my first titled entry in my thoughts page :P I'm proud of myself.


26 July - Saturday
11:55 P.M.

It's been such an un-productive day.. And i'm pissed with myself. Maybe i needed the break? Ha. Well, yesterday was such a busy day.. I had lessons all day and and then, my school finished at 7:30 P.M. But i had such a great time as Adri, Dewi and I were makin fun of every one and doing all sorts of wacky stuff. It was just soo hilarious. Like during the show, we'd say something funny or take pics. I was takin pics of Adri, Dewi, Joanna & Florence and they were too. And it was just so funny. And Joanna and I were doin that whole Himbo bimbo thingy and it was like so cool. *grins* To spice it up, i was singing Hoku's Perfect Day :p It was probably the most fun i've ever had in school, in this past year and a half. And that was great. I took many pics.. some in the Cafe, in the lecture theatre and some during the whole prize giving ceremony. It was cool. Then, i came home at like 8:50... took a quickie shower, dressed up and rushed to City Hall, to meet my friend and we headed to a bar and i was introduced to a whole lotta people. It was fun actually, extremely relaxed and for once, in the last few weeks, i felt relaxed. And that felt good. Then, we headed up to a club and i had such a great time there. It was FAN-tastic and yeah. i got home only at 4 am! hehehe. I made a vow that i wouldn't do clubbing for a while.. gotta be studious now. Urgh. But it was really fun and i met quite a few cute people :D Anyway, i'm crazy about this song, Fragile by Kylie Minogue, at the moment. It's fantastic. I think i've heard it like 30 times today.. I'm just playing it over and over and over and.. yeah, i think you get my drift :P

I sent some photos for developing and cooked my own dinner today. It was tomato soup, with loads of veggies.. asparagus, cauliflowers, brocollis, mushroom.. and much more. I had steamed prawns & mushrooms with oyster sauce and it was great. Oh yeah, i had a bun with some pate' and wine. It was a nice meal actually. well, i gotta go now.. gonna go sleep.. *yawns*

25 July - Friday
12:14 P.M.

i'm surprised that i'm still kinda up and going, considering that i only had 5 hours plus of sleep. I usually am groggy at this time. But anyway, I'm very very glad! The tracks that i released on the charts are doing REALLY well! And i'm really really proud! here are the statistics:

Under Your Skin  - #776 of 1980 (Electronic), Best rating: #773 of 1,976 on 23Jul2003

And i was contemplating of releasing either Under Your Skin or Once as the first single from Go Figure, but looks like now i'm tilting more towards Under Your Skin. I wanted to release both on the charts, to sort of see how they'd go. And so far the responses i'm getting for Under Your Skin is great. It's gotten a rating of 3.9 out of 5 and that's the highest rating any of my songs have ever gotten on the charts! Here's info about Once,

Once - #534 of 823 (Pop), Best rating: #534 of 823 on 24Jul2003.

I'm glad that's Once is doing really well too. It's gotten a 3.6 rating out of 5 and that's fantastic. Well, this is a cause to celebrate and that's why, tonight, i'm gonna go out with my friend to this bar and probably we might head of to a club. I'm not sure. Though i don't wanna spend too much time out.. i wanna wake up early on Sat and start doing all my wretched homework and yeah, believe me, there's alot. But today's been a long day and i'll finish school at like 7+ in the evening, so i think a little break would be fine. Plus, i sorta decided that today would be the last time that i go out and boogie.. i've got loads of stuff to catch up on. grrrrr.

Today, i came to school kinda early to study and i've had lessons since. I had economics from 10-11:30.. History from 11:45-12:00 and then, i'm gonna have Literature from 1-3 and economics from 3:30 to 4:30 again. And then, i'm having this prize giving celebration thingy from 5:30 - 7:00 + and yup. So, i'ts gonna be a long f'ing day. Atleast i'll have the bar/club thingy to look forward to. I brought my camera to school today cuz my friend Mari's getting a prize. So,  we were takin some shots just now and it was funny. Adri and i were talkin some pretty "interesting" shots just now *evil grins* hehe. Yup, we'll probably take some more later :P But it was all so funny. I bet my mum will flip if she sees anything :P
Well, i really gotta go now..See ya


23 July - Wednesday
2:20 P.M.

So, here i am, in school and it's mid afternoon and i'm barely keepin myself awake. i'm almost piled to the neck with work and yeah, i'm feelin the damn pressures already. Today's sort of like my official day of studying and i intend to start reading my literature today. I hope it's productive though. I've been trying to get myself to focus and so far, it's been quite ok. I'm hardly thinkin about anyone anymore, so that's good. Plus, i'm slowly erasing my distractions.. Though, there's one thing that i cannot stop though, and that's watching ALIAS. Wow, i have to say that that's officially my fave programme and the plot is just so twisted. I watched the last episode of the 2nd season on Monday, and i was so shocked. Everything changed and now the frontiers are all different. Well, perhaps just Friends & Alias are 2 shows that i can still sorta occupy myself with. Jennifer Garner is soooo hot.. and so fit. In that episode, she wore some really sexy stuff.. lingerie.. and wow.  And the way she trashes those guys. It's fantastic. It's kinda funny to see a hot chick kick some guys butt once in a while. But what i really like, is the way the plot is so intertwined and if you miss one episode, you would be totally lost. I Wanna buy all the episodes!!! I recorded the last episode and i wouldn't mind watching it again.

*yawns* Damn.. i had like 8 hours of sleep last night and i'm still sleepy.
Well, i better get goin and get my work done :) i'll see ya.

20 July - Sunday
1:06 P.M.

Afternoon'! Today, i feel quite good. The weather's great and i managed to wake up early at like 8 plus in the morning. I managed to finish my English Essay yesterday and also did some history just now. Now, i've gotta do two literature essays. Yup, but 'ill manage. I'll have to finish it all by about 5:30 as i've got this Dinner at the Sheraton Hotel. It's my aunt's Wedding celebration. She had the marraige done in the states, but she's doing a little gathering here for the family in Singapore. I was trying to figure out why nowadays, i cannot write lyrics like those that i used to in the period of 1999-2000. I realized that the songs i write now are more political in nature and there is a certain sense of scorn too. I guess, before i used to focus on more simply things, but i guess college has matured me alot and i'm looking at things in a more global perspective. (Do NOTE: my hate for college still persists though! *grins*) Before, it was more love songs, or songs of intimacy and stuff on flirting. I guess it shows my growth as a writer. And i also wrote a contraversial song about sexuality, entitled "Wanna Do it With?". I am still working on others like Operation Last Conversation and another one called My Constitution. They are not all about politics, but i sorta look at everyday situations in a political view. I would wanna write more ballads and love songs.. though i guess i would need some inspiration for that! I would only be able to write true love songs if i can experience true love itself. Well, i'll just enjoy writing these different genres of songs. My coughing's sorta improved, but it's not completely gone. I was reading the newspapers, and they were alot of interesting stuff in the news today. What i found repulsive was the illegal sale of Elephant & Rhino tusks. I can't believe that these stuff still happen in the world today. whenever i hear of these sorta stuff, i'm reminded of Michael Jackson's Earth Song.. i remember how the video made a really big impact on me. Well, apart from recycling paper, i don't think i do another other stuff. Though i probably should. I was thinking of donating money or cash to the SPCA or those organizations. Perhaps, i'll put up links in my website to draw some awareness. hrm.. though this would have to be done after my Prelims are over. Annoyingly, they are like 6 weeks away and i'm not prepared at all. Well, i've banned myself from chatting, flirting with people on the phone for long periods of time, and also from a few television shows :P Believe me, that's a great improvement. And yeah! I only go to the post office like once in a fortnight now, so yeah, i'm trying to focus! I guess i'm more of an animal activist, after getting Orion. I even donated some money to the SPCA yesterday. I wish i could have given more though. My dad was saying how he wanted another Orion! Could you imagine that? One fluffy lil monster is enough. Even today, he was gnawing on my pen and history notes, that i had to put him outside my room.

I feel a little energetic today and even when i woke up, i wasn't groggy. I was happy. I like that feeling. It's like as if i forgot everything else in the world, and all that was goin on in my mind was my soft bed with it's very comfy pilllows. It made me feel young again, like when i was 8 and when nothing really mattered. And it was just this moment that made me feel free. It's been ages since i have smelt the sweet scent of freedom. I wanna take life less seriously now. I wanna have fun and i wanna feel good. Yup, there is gonna be stress but i think i'm gonna be ok. Well, i think i better go now, gotta get a headstart on the 2 literature essays that i have to do. shit.. i only have 4-4 1/2 hours more. Ok, gotta rush!

19 July - Saturday
8:49 P.M.

*Listens to Mad's American Life* Well, today's been very ... unproductive. But wait, i wasn't lazing or whatever. I had a medical check-up in the morning, than i was in bed till like 8:30.. P.M.. and yeah.. it's due to the medicine that i'm under, i guess. I don't think i've been so sick since the last time i was really sick! And i kept getting disturbed by people coming into my damn room and switching on the lights and stuff. I'm like fuck, give me a break. I had like only 3 hours of sleep last night and here is everyone coming in my room and causing a hoopla. I was pissed though. Anyway, this whole week itself has been such a tiring one.. and i haven't done much, in relation to schoolwork. But i think i'm sorta figuring things out in my head. Sometimes, life seems so surreal but sometimes it feels a bit too real. i'm just a number, part of a system that survives on that, and if one person's gone, someone else just replaces that number. I finally realized what has been troubling me and why i'm so in and out of this depression-mode, and that's this country. I weighed the costs and benefits and i realized that i had more reasons to prove my hatred. I wish for a day where i don't have to worry or feel like i'm mising out on life, which i am, in so many areas right now. I read an article on TIME, which was quite critical of Singapore and it showed that atleast 1 out of 5 Singaporeans don't wanna stay here. That's 20% of the population, 880 000 people outta 4.4 million. And that's alot. Rarely, i feel this feeling of oppurtunity. But when i do, i get this good feeling and it just brings out everything that i represent. But i don't always feel that feeling, it sorta comes and goes.. occasionally. So far, i think that life here is just destined to provide no form of satisfaction. The last time i felt happy here, was ... um... i can't remember. Though, it's not like i actually have a choice, i can't just leave the country like that.

I have dinner to attend in a hotel tomorrow.. so, il'l have to rush through my homework today. I have 3 essays to do.. 2 of which that i'm determined to finish today. Ambitious? yup! but i'll try. And then, i have other isolated stuff to do.. argh. I also was supposed to start reading my literature book today, and i haven't. So, i'll have to push them all to Monday. This is such a crazy weekend. I guess if i'm really sick, i'll just have to take a medical leave on Monday. I just took one last Thursday.. though, then i wasn't soo bad. I went out on Thursday with Sut, ans it was so fun! We did all sorts of wacky stuff, stuff that i always wanted to do, but couldn't, due to the fact that my friends never seem interested to wanna try. We went to Carrefour and took 2 baskets with us, and we just popped all sorta stuff into out baskets. Well, i had some Power Puff DVD's.. Underwear, Snacks, loads and loads of condoms.. and he had loads of stuff too, and then, once we got bored, we just left it there! Yup, we just left our baskets and walked off. Which i thought later was so hilarious. It's nice to de-stress and do crazy stuff. I'm tired of always being a good boy *grins* Anyway, i'll have to go now.. gonna have to shower and start working. Urgh. Well, wish me luck!
See ya.

10 July - Thursday
12:38 A.M.

Hello :) I'm Soooooo glad i'm finally home. I just had the most boring time ever, in my life. I thought Saturday at Zouk was boring, but today.. ha.. it was boring to a whole new level. Ok, i just wasted 3 hours of my life.. what else could i have done in the last 3 years? well.. hrm.. ANYTHING else from what i just did! I think i was this close *puts his 2 fingers together, but not touching each other, but very very close to each other* to eating my phone so that i would choke myself to death. Yes, it was THAT boring. I think i spent like a whole hour, just looking at people walking.. the way they were walking.. like i actually gave a flying fuck. So, it was just Bal, me and this other guy Nelson.. who so co-incidentially takes the same classes as my brother. Joy to the fucking world. Not only was he boring, he was irritating.. and there was just so much stupid nonsense that was talked (95 % came out of his mouth).. and it was so damn boring. I think this has been the first time in my life, i said less than 20 words in 3 hours. I don't think i even talked or smiled! Why would I in god's name? That doesn't mean that i wasn't bored or pissed with the other guy. Anyway, it would have been more productive if i stayed home and read my literature. I know, me actually choosing studying instead of going out. I think that should give you an idea of how bored i was. I think i used the word bored like 6 times here right? Ha. That word probably went through my head like 1 million times during the 3, long, gruelling.. painful hours. Oh wait, i just found other words to describe the fantastic outing: wearingly dull, repetitive, unexciting, unenthusiastic.. yeah, stuff along that line. I hope you get my drift. Anyway, i'm glad i'm home :) Ahhh..

Anyway, i have an exam tomorrow.. an oral one *grins* Now now.. it's not what you think. And i hope i'm not tooo sleepy for it considering that it's 1 am now.. and i gotta wake up at like 4 plus.. and i have annoying literature to do as well. urgh. I actually had a nice day today, what a rotten ending!! i guess these things happen right? Anyway, i really gotta go.. i'm so glad i could let it alll out here! Ok, see ya!


11:06 A.M.

Hey :) I'm feelin ok now. i slept at like 1 plus.. and in the mornin, Orion kept mewing.. and i had to let him outta my room and that was like at 4 a.m. I need coffee!! And sleep! *yawns* I'm writing this in school right now.. i don't know but it's annoying that there's so much work to be done. I have to do sooo much literature work and sooo much other crap.. not forgetting the Oral examination that i have in 4 hours. Urgh. Anyway, i'll make it, like how i always do, but i'm just tired :) I have to start excercising alot now. i have to past a physical fitness test.. and i'm takin it next wednesday.. so, i have like about 5 days to prepare. I would just wanna do it and be done with it and not prolong it, so that i can study and stuff. Life just seems so.. unexciting. Oh yeah, i'm soo happy for Leslie who has a date this weekend!! *says this with the voice* Well, it's with that someone, i'm not gonna mention... but leslie, you better tell me all the details of your canoodling :P Anyway, i think they 2 well have a good time.. and it's on a Saturday.. *winks* Well, i can atleast feed off the gossip from Leslie's personal life, to make up for my stagnant, non-existent one! *laughs*

Did i mention that i went clubbin on Sunday? Yup, i went with Kelvin, Kenny & Nesh and it was ok. Nothing really fantastic or anything. I think i would not really date or meet someone new now.. maybe i could. If i'm able to sort of allocate my time properly.. but that's the thing, that's my weakness. Though, i wouldn't mind it actually, as in to atleast be able to have a break when i am not studying. In these past 2-3 years, i haven't really dated much and it's not like i actually have the courage to ask people out at parties or something. Hrm.... i don't know. I will need to do something about it though.. it's a bit tooo stagnant for me. And plus, i think i deserve some talking on the phone with like a special someone or whatever. I've not had that in ages!

Orion just had his sterelization operation on Tuesday.. and he can't really be carried but he seems ok. He seems to want more attention that usual, and as usual, my mother is over-doing it with TLC. Anyway, i'm not gonna even start on that! I feel like eating some cake or something.. but i've decided that i would cut down on food.. i wanna get fitter and plus, it would help me save money. I'm like so down on cash now.. urgh. I'll have to be stringent! I feel stressed, yet a little slack. I just wanna go home. mmmmm. I wanna have more really close friends that i can tell all my personal stuff to.. like people who i can really trust and stuff. i think i'm more easy, opening up and stuff now. It has taken me quite a while, to really figure out who i am and what i am and stuff like that. I think i know who i am and i'm proud of it. Plus, i don't think i'm even bothered about the past... i mean, if i wasn't what i was before, i wouldn't be what i am today. And i guess if i haven't found that special someone, in the past or whatever, than i will soon. I hope. I think it's more of like learning from mistakes and finally knowing exactly what you want in life. Actually, at this rate, i'm not really sure what i want in life. as in what i wanna be and stuff. I guess i still have time to ponder that. I guess, in my life right now, i am more confident about myself, than i've ever been. I feel confident.. yes it's not in my school work. I think i just have a too pessimistic view towards school. But i'll just have to pull through. I so wanna move outta here... *sighs* Anyway, i really gotta go.. I'll see ya!

06 July - Sunday
4:05 A.M.

I suddenly feel excited. Excited about what life's gonna offer me and what I'm gonna do for my life. I feel so light suddnely, like everything's possible and everything that i wanna do, is tangible. I love this feeling. You feel happy but contented. I don't know why i'm feelin this way.. perahps it's just the time and the day. I've been reflecting alot.. i think this year has really matured me alot. I feel older and yes, i feel 18. I don't think i felt 18, when i turned 18. But i think, now i do. Sometimes, i think about life, and i think we take it so seriously. Too seriously. If it's just a journey.. i wanna make it a fruitful one. I wish i was somewhere else. Ironic though, i can't really imagine a specific place. Somewhere, where i can be free and do what i wanna do. Not like i'm not free now.. it's just the possibilities of what i wanna do in life, is just soo little. I have missed out on alot of childhood.. half of my life has just been studying.. but i don't know... perhaps i can work on the future. Sometimes, i wish i had a simple life.. a small house, in a countryside, a farm.. something like that. Though, i'm very much a city person and i bet i'd get bored in a sec. Hrm...

I was watching this really cool movie, Paradise Land.. and it really touched me. Glenn Close was in it and other stars. It was about the War and specifically, the life of prisoners under the Japanese in Sumatra, Indonesia. They were British, American, European and other prisoners. I guess it touched me because it was simple, but it was really meaningful. These sorta movies really touch me, movies that are historical and true. This was based on a true story actually. And it was fantastic. Anyway, today was a very non-productive day. I went clubbing with Grace to Zouk and it was so damn fucking boring. We spent only 2 hours there. The music sucked and everything else kinda sucked. The only thing that was good, was how the place looked. What a waste of $25. I intend to go clubbing later today as well. My friend, Kelvin and I are gonna go to the Capital area and party our asses. Anyway, i'm glad that there's no school for these few days.. im' so tired of getting up and going to school. Well, there's 2 more days of partying still it's back to that hellhole. Maybe i'll skip Tuesday... hrm.. *grins* Oh yeah! I drank my fave Apricot & Brandy with 7 Up today.. It's my fave drink and i just love it! I guess that was the highlight of today.. i know.. pathetic huh? Well, i gotta go work on this website and put up some auctions. So, i'll see ya later!


05 July - Saturday
1:26 A.M.

hey! It's saturday! Well, i didn't write anything much this week, cuz i was so damn busy. But i'm free now! Liberated! The exams are over and it's cool :) Monday, i had my General Paper (English) and that paper was ok. The first one was much easier than the second part.. and I couldn't understand what the hell the comprehension was saying. Well, i tried my best on that, and i was kinda proud of it anyway! Then, I had my wretched Economics paper on Tuesday.. (urgh), well.. all i can say is that for that paper, I only started studying the night before. On wednesday, i had My History & Literature papers. That was 5 essays in one day. The history was ok. There are 3 components in that paper. 2 were more difficult than the other. The easier section was about the United Nations, and i studied that one, so it was ok. There was one essay on South-East Asia, and that was difficult. I had my literature paper in the afternoon, and it was ok. Better than previous Li exams, i think. For once, i managed to finish the essays before it was time for me to and i also felt a little proud of what i wrote. So, that's cool :) All the exams are done and i'm glad!

Then, after my exams, Marianne & Moi went to catch Charlie's Angels 2 - Full Throttle. And it's really really really cool! I kinda understood the plot (though nesh was warning me that, it might be kinda complicated). But the graphics, effects and everything was fantastic. Most of it was just toooo far-fetched, but i guess that's what Charlie's Angels is all about right? There were cameos by Matt Leblanc, Eve & Pink. Pink looked really really good, though. So, i really had a great time on Wednesday. The movie sorta finished at 7:30 P.M. and i kinda rushed home after that. As, that night, B and I planned to meet and hang out. So, B came over to my place and saw Orion and we sorta left and spent the whole night together. I only came home on Thursday.. at like 4:30 P.M. But it was great. We had a great time and we had brunch at Billy Bombers at Bugis and we also went shopping after that and i got this really cool top for $9.90. It was from RE and it was on offer. I just realized that Blue is one of my fave colours. Yup. i'm kinda into blue at the moment. Plus, for the last photoshoots, the blue stuff came out very well. The top was blue and i wore it on Thursday, when i went out for Dinner.

Well, Thursday was a blast! Leslie came over to my place, i got changed and we went to City Hall (yup, capital area) and we dined at Breekz. It was fantastic. We were meeting out Secondary school teacher Serene (You can see a picture of her on my Biography page, she's the one wearing the green thingy & putting her hand on my shoulder) and she's sorta like out best friend now. And it was so cool. We talked about everything.. from school to life and sex and stuff. It was fun. And we are definately gonna meet her again and give her a treat. It was just so fun talking to her and well, i feel like i can really trust her and i told alot of stuff about me, about my life and stuff. Yeah, she's a very close friend to me & leslie. Even when she was our teacher 2-3 years back, we clicked but we couldn't really talk to her about almost everything, i guess cuz we still had that teacher-student relationship thingy. But she didn't teach me in my graduating year though. And i gave her a copy of Go Figure. hehe. Though, i don't think she's actually listened to it yet. We ate a buffet, so i kinda stuffed myself. I ate a Chicken Lamb, Pork ribs, roasted pork, teriyaki chicken, Spaghetti, Minestrone Soup, quite a few pices of chocolate brownie-cakes with hot chocolate sauce and other stuff. The food was good though, i remembered when i ate there before, it was better and the variety was less yesterday. I came back at like 11 plus and i slept at like 5 and i woke up at 5 today! haha. i know, a full whole 12 hours.

Grace invited me for clubbing tomorrow at Zouk.. but i'm not sure though. I wouldn't mind.. but than, i wanted to go on Sunday.. and i already invited Kelvin to join me. Well, i told her i'd ponder about it and confirm with her tomorrow though. Plus, i've been spending so much cash this last week.. i kinda need to take a break! Plus, yesterday, i was glad i had that much of sleep cuz i slept only a total of 5-8 hours for the whole of Monday to Wednesday. I wouldn't mind goin tomorrow.. but than i might be kinda shagged for Sunday.. though, Kelvin hasn't really told me a confirm answer. And tomorrow, i wanted to write some tracks and work on my website and perhaps, excercise.

I'm listening to Christina's Stripped album again. I really like it.
My fave album this week: Christina's Stipped
Fave songs this week: Southerndrawl - What They Call Me, Christina & Lil' Kim's Can't Hold Us Down
Fave video this week: Christina & Lil' Kim's Can't Hold Us Down

It's already 1:56 now.. ah. Well, i'll have to go get a shower and maybe i'll sleep.. *yawns* Though, i need to put up some auctions and stuff. Anyway, i gotta go. I'll put up something later! see ya!

28 June - Saturday
3:36 P.M.

Hello :) i woke up at 2 today... *yawns* hehe. I feel different today.. i feel.. hrm.. light. I don't know if that's an appropriate tern to use to describe how i feel, but i don't feel weighted. And i haven't even finished studying for my exams!! Argh! Not even one subject! But i'm gonna persist and try later.. i have to atleast finish 2 outta my 3 subjects. It would be totally pathetic to get 5/100 or something. i mean, i might suck but i don't think i suck that bad! I had a good (and highly emotional) talk with B last night.. 4 hours? i think, it probably was and i think it was fruitful. I realized that i live in this really perfect world.. where everything has to be perfect, but wait, the reality is that, nothing is perfect. Nobody is and nothing will ever be. And we talked about everything and i think it helped us firgure out our feelings and stuff and basically everything. I guess i knew from before, that there were sparks. There's always been sparks between us and i think they will stay for awhile. But i guess its' just not a fire. And true, there are many reasons that didn't make it a fire, the distance, the fights the arguments. Well, we have a very complex realationship. And i guess, for the longest time, we put ourselves on this limbo realm and just waited and waited. Well, we decided that we'd be friends and just see how things goes.. though i don't really think that there are any lines or sort. I think we'd be like before, just no expectations. That word has been in head ever since, expectations.. expectations... did i have any? Guess i did. Stupid me. But why did i in the first place? I guess i just really didn't think it through and had this whole perfect image in my mind.. that no matter what, things would work. What B brough up, did make sense. What's the use of a relationship, when you have to work for it? The sparks, the fire, should be there, and everything should fall in place. Plus, if there's so much to work for, it would make both of us tired. And that's totally true, im' tired enough. im' playing Bette Midler's I'm Beautiful (Haha.. yes, i need some encouragement!) Anyway, after 3 1/2 years, we've managed to come to a conclusion that we should stay friends, despite our truly strong feelings.. and just see how things goes. Well, i guess it's through these problems in life, that i get to learn stuff about myself. I think more with my heart, than my brain and i guess that's why i'm emotionally driven. And perhaps, that's something i need to work on. I need to be able to think with my brain too, i need to be practical at times too. And i gotta be able to solve stuff in all situations. Well, i'm growing up :) It's through these, that i know i would be able to learn.. And i guess, i'm too rash at times.. (Damn.. this seems to sound like some confession box!) Well, so lets' welcome the new Steve, a new steve for a new beginning :) With that, i have to go, freshen up and study! One thing for sure, i know i'm so gonna do badly for this exam.

Oh yeah, i really gotta thank Leslie. Thank you so much for calling me at 3:30 A.M. to see how i was and thanks for being so concern and considering that your History paper was at 8 A.M.!! And i'm really grateful! Thanks so much and yup, Gotta go!


25 June - Wednesday
12:04 P.M.

Afternoon! *yawns* I just woke up an hour ago. I have still alot of study.. but i think today, i'll be able to get more stuff done. I think i'm getting the momentum. Yesterday, i couldn't sleep as i kept going to the loo, wanting to piss, but than, i tried but i couldn't! And i hate that feeling of wanting to piss and not getting to! It's annoying! I'm listening to Jewel's 0304 Album now.. wow, it's fantastic. Go out and buy it! Obviously, Intuition's fantastic. And there's this song called Stand, it's very rnb'ish and it's got great lyrics. I like her very simplstic way of putting the lyrics across. And how she uses generalisations to bring a point across. Like, "Walked in a corner shop.. the old lady with the gun.. seen the hero trying to run.. There's Children paying bills" It's simplstic but i think the meaning sorta stands. There's this other track, America, my fave track on the album. It's really cool :) I thought she actually sounded a bit like Madonna, at one part.. And she talks about everything from spam to freedom. It's very cool. "Leave the Lights on" And "Sweet Temptation" are extremely cool tooo. I can't give a grade for this album, so far, as i haven't heard the whole album yet. But i think it would definately get a 4 or 4.5, judging from what i've heard so far.

I gotta go and bathe and stuff.. urgh. Yesterday, i had this discussion/argument about divorce and stuff with B. I mean, i was thinking about it and perhaps, my views might be a bit biased. I guess, in the Singapore society, divorce is not really encouraged. But nowadays, divorce and seperation is very very common here. Not as common in the States but it's very common. But they are not really putting statistics or stuff up. (i think they are afraid of what the numbers might tell!) I guess, the structure of a family, is in itself different in the Western society or in a Asian society. One thing, i have to admire about the western culture is how civil they are. If the parents go through a divorce or a seperation, the parents still stay as "friends" and talk and meet at weddings or funerals or stuff (unless it was a cheating drama). But in an asian society, thats' quite hard to find. Usually, they would just cut off all ties and move on. I've grown up with this very naive perception. i guess cuz i've always had that picture about meeting the perfect one (perhaps after looking really hard) and than being together forever (i know, stop laughing!) But i guess, that's how i've looked at it. Though, i guess alot of people these days wanna make sure they marry the right one. what's the use of marrying 4 times? Won't it be better to just marry someone and not worry? Plus, we have too many JLo's and Liz Taylor's that i'm sure people don't need to add to that numbers. I guess that's why people marry later nowadays, so that they are sure that they are marrying the right one. That's the thing.. couples shouldn't marry if they are not sure or not ready. All this divorce just taints what marriage should be. But i guess, again, these views are different across cultures. I have nothing against divorce or seperation, i think it's better if 2 people are fighting to end it, as the fighting might hurt the kids more. but i think it's because it's so easy to get a divorce, that people are sorta complacent.. "Oh, it's not working.. let's get a divorce." I mean, i'm not sure if couples try or not. Though i probably have no right to say this, considering that what i'm saying is just based on what i've read and stuff and not real-live experience. But B was saying that i was saying all this because of the "indoctrination". and i thought that was really uncalled for. well, i'm not get into the word indoctrination, the last thing i need is for the government to have a file on me... (though they probably fucking do!). But i think i have this view, because i was brought up this way. I guess, that's why i really wanna go stay in a western culture and experience all this stuff. So, i can compare and contrast and goods and bads. Every culture would have it's goods and bads, i don't think there's anything in black & white. Ok, why am i saying all this hear? I don't knoe! Probably because, it was buggin me. What i need to do now: Get more sleep! What i gotta do later: STUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See ya!

24 June - Tuesday
11:53 P.M.

*sniffs* i've been sneezing the whole day. And my throat feels funny. It's probably all this studying.. i always seem to fall sick when it's exam time. Anyway, today it was sort of like sweets galore as i munched on soo much browmies and my mum bought alot of Indian sweets for me.. my fave! But i only ate one, cuz i really couldn't handle that much of sweet stuff, after i munched on a brownie & ice cream. Today was very useful. i'm very proud as today seems to be the official first day in which my studying took a greater speed. I guess, i needed a few days to get the momentum. I analyzed 10 chapters of Literature today. I wanted to do more, but i guess it's the time constrain. Plus, on many instances, Orion was a great distraction. Though, he really acts as a sort of therapy for me.. and i think he does help me de-stress. A few things i've discovered these few days studying:
A. I hate studying
B. I suck at studying
C. I suck at time management
D. I suck at concentrating
E. I love clubbing

*grins* Atleast, i'm able to keep my spirits up in boring times like this. I decided that i'd make a list for my personal life. I haven't thought of it all proper, but 'ill ponder about in in my free time, once my wretched exams are over. Shit.. reality check: 5 Days more for exams. Joy to the world. I just popped some nuggets into the oven and i'm probably gonna gobble those down and watch Seinfeld and study some more :) Yes i know, what an interesting life. What i really need now: TO CLUB! After my exams are over, i'm gonna club consecutively.. i'm talkin every freakin day!


23 June - Monday
11:55 A.M.

Morning. *yawns* I just woke up.. about 1 hour ago.. i had my breaki and now i'm still feeling sleepy. You know what, i had the greatest clubbing experience yesterday. It was seriously, the greatest. And i so damn enjoyed it. Well, Leslie & i, including some other guys went to this really cool club and it was a blast. Ok, the music wasn't really my sorta thing.. alot of those Uk remixes and stuff were being played and i'm not really into those really dancey remixes, though it depends. I would have preffered if they had some cool hip-hop songs or rap. But anyway, i think it was the best experience as i just felt liberated and everything just seemed nonchalant. The people were ok, some were great looking, but it's just the whole world just seemed to fade away and all that really mattered was just hitting the dance floor. And guess what, i lost this silver hand-bracelet that i've had for years and i looked around for it, but i couldn't find it at all. That's $11 wasted. And i spent quite alot too, which really annoys me though. I really didn't wanna take a taxi, but leslie wanted to. Plus, it was no consolation that the fucking taxi driver had to cheat us, by  $1. I was already quite drunk and one of my eyes were blurry (probably the smoke) so i just left the freakin cab. Anyway, gettin back to the club, i met quite a few cool people :) i was kinda glad. Thought i was totally annoyed with myself as there was this instance where i was dancing, and this really really cute person kinda hit on me and we kinda chat for awhile.. but the fucking music was so damn loud that i couldn't even hear what the hell the person was saying! All i said was like.. "I can't hear you.." and we held hands for awhile and that was it. I just continuted dancing! What the hell was i thinking? After that, i kept going, "shit!".. i mean, i coulda said something like, "Lets go and talk at the corner somewhere?" or something like that. But well, i guess these things happen. And i managed to get a free drink too *laughs*.. though i really wanted an Apricot Brandy & 7-Up.. annoyingly enough, Brandy & 7-up came with my ticket, but Apricot Brandy had to be purchased. Then, there was this annoying bartender, female, who said that they didn't give water but sold Evian for $8.. Would anybody pay $8 for water? Well, i went to the other bar and got some water free :P Anyway, i gotta go study.. it's not like i've atually accomplished anything. And my exams are in exactly 7 days. *sighs* well, i gotta go lie down. See ya!

6:52 P.M.

*yawns* I just am having a little break from studying. I just baked some brownies! well, before 3 that is. I started studying at 3and i'm taking a break now. I managed to get 3 lecture notes done! I'm gonna do some Literature done now, wish me luck. Yesterday, when we were going to the club, this girl was giving out free brownie samples.. which were extremely delicious. I decided to make some for myself and i spent about $5 only and i have quite alot! I let my dad try it and he said it was great (and no, he's not saying that because i'm his son, if he doesn't like it, he'd say so) I SO wanna go clubbing now!!!!!!!!!! haha! Anyway, i'd just have to control. Fuck. Something that i'm obviosuly not good at.. *groans* it's 6:56 now... and i gottta start my literature at 7:00... Yesterday, leslie and i took some candid shots.. i'll put them on the site, once they are developed and stuff. Here's stuff i gotta do today:
1) Cut my Nails (They are long, unsightly and it can be used as a weapon, urgh)
2) Finish my Literature (Yup..)
3) Gobble the Brownies (with ice cream and Hersheys... my substitute for sex!)
4) Watch Friends/Alias
5) (shit... i don't have a 5!)

Anyway... I gotta go! See ya!

21 June - Saturday
1:28 P.M.

hey there :) Well, i just spent the whole morning talking to leslie and we were having a great time hanging out at my place.. listenin to songs.. laughing and yup. I'm glad that lately, we are able to hang out alot, despite out homework. I think it's good that we're the best of friends. Anyway, I was supposed to study in the morning and stuff, but it's 1 and i haven't done a thing! I decided that i wouldn't go clubbin tonight.. as i would go Tomorrow! with leslie! And we're gonna have fun. I've actually never gone clubbing with Leslie ever before. i know, we're the best of friends for like 5 years and yeah. Guess what? Someone that i really like is somewhat available.. on some circumstances. So, i hope i could say that i would get into something cool soon, not serious.. but perhaps atleast romantic. And NO, i'm not gonna fuck it up this time. That's a big no no. i wish i could have like a thoughts page or a blog where i can really lash out.. i mean, be really honest about my personal life and everything. I consider this my diary but since people might read this (if they ever get the address), i tend to try to talk stuff on the surface. Plus, i think i would rather not everyone know who the real Steve is anyway. I would rather be a little.. hrm.. mysterios. (damn.. did i spell that right?) I was reading certain funny gay titles of movies, coutesty of Ru Paul (surprise, surprise) and "she" changed the titles of the movies to certain funny stuff, and i couldn't stop laughing. One was called "Saving Ryan's Privates.. haha. Anyway, i gotta go shower and study!!!!!! grrrrrr!

See ya!

20 June - Friday
1:07 P.M.

Hullo :) It's been such a tiring day.. i had a literature exam at 9:00 and i had a history lecture at 11:30 and it just finished like 40 minutes ago. I'm kinda relaxed now as i was talkin to my friends Su & Grace and it was really funny. They wanted me to leave school and go with them to eat something.. but i wanna stay here and study. one thing for sure, if i go out with them i won't study. Annoyingly, i love their company and they are great to hang out but i would have to sacrifice my studies for that.. and on Tuesday i went out with Jo & Florence to celebrate Jo's B'day and i didn't study and yesterday i had Sushi with Leslie, Kenny & Nesh. So, i would have to sacrifice my friends i guess. Thought Grace and i were thinking of going clubbing tomorrow, sorta like a reward for our studying. I think it would be a great motivational tool. Study and you'll get booze. Well, i'll have to think more about it though. Today i plan to start work at like 2 pm. and finish at like 7:30. I intend to study the UN stuff i have to and also work on some English stuff. I'm not sure if i'll go home and study or not though.

Grace wants to go to Zouk.. a club that i've never been to. Though i've always wanted to try it out. I don't think i'll get a hangover though. I think i'd just try to drink a little.. maybe not a little too. That's the thing about alcohol.. . Anyway, lately the house has been kinda empty. Shayne's in Melbourne visiting my Granny and Keith is in the Army for awhile. So, it's just my parents, me & Orion. Though, i'm quite glad i'm in school though. For the past few days, things have been kinda worrying at home. My dad's company just started retrenching and 1500 staff are supposed to go. And that's quite alot considering that the company has like 6000+ staff. My dad's been working there for 30 years.. and i just hope he won't get axed. I mean, i don't think they are going about this in random, they are probably looking at people who have too many medical leaves, diciplinary problems and whatevers. My dad has never taken a medical leave once in 30 years and he has no record of anythin. I just hope that things would be fine. My mum's totally fretting about it and having sleepless nights. Well, i think God would shine some grace on us.

On a more lighter note, i had some responses from the release of my album. Some were good and some weren't. So far, i can say that the prospects seem ok in Australia. I still have 100 copies to send out.. but i will do that on Monday.. As i the postal office would be open for a really short time on the Weekends. im' glad that its' the weekend. Though, it's probably gonna be full of studying... urgh. I might be going clubbing with Leslie on Sunday.. though i'm not really sure about that.. i guess it depends on him :)

Lately, i have been reflecting alot.. reflecting alot about my life and also about what i'm doing. I mean, i feel like there's something more to what i'm doing now. Apart from school, apart from the music.. i feel that there's something else for me to work on. Im' just not sure exactly what it is. My personal life is still very boring.. i'm not complaning.. i'm not working on it so there's really no need to complain. Now that the album's released and alot of stuff is settled. I think i should try going out more. Once i've confirmed the website.. i think i could get out more.. i still haven't really gone all around Singapore yet.. Im' a Singaporean, living here for 18 years but i've not really explored the place. Not like as if there's alot to explore.. but i've not gone ice-skating for a long time.. or gone to he snow palace or city or whatever they call it. I've not really seen the new stuff here. And i think i should. And i wanna spend some time with my friends.. who i have totally neglected due to music. Speaking of neglect.. i'm so craving to eat some chocolate brownies.. damn.. i should have just gone with Su & Grace than! Anyway, i've gotta go start studying soon.. isn't my life so damn boring? I guess you're probably thinking, "what an as"..and yup, believe me, i'm thinking the same thing too. I have to go, i'll see you and i'll try to leave a message soon.


June 18 - Wednesday
10:32 A.M.

Hey there.. well, i've not started studying yet and my exams are in like 12 days. Well, i'm definately gonna start today. That's for sure! Yes! i'm so determined! Im' gonna do hours for hours and make sure i make it this time. Well, i wanted to start on Monday but i kept stalling... Never mind. I watched Monsoon Wedding just now. It's a really great movie. I would give it a 4/5. I think i found it amusing as it showed an indian family, that's traditional but yet modern. I guess, comparing them to my family, i would say that we are very different. I think, we don't do anything traditional at all. I don't think.. its' like i don't want to do anything traditional.. but i feel that my views and values are different. I think, when i was younger, i was quite traditional. Tradiotional is a sense that i would follow most of the indian customs.. like on specific festivals. For example, on Diwali, io used to wake up bathe and put new clothes and we would go visit relatives and spend the whole day out from house to house and get loads of money and eat loads of Indian sweets. Now, on Diwali, i just wake up and eat what my mum cooks.. usually she cooks alot of cool stuff. Like a mutton Briyani or something. And i just watch TV the whole day and probably i'll visit my grandaunt's place in Sengkang. But that's about it. Going to the temple's like once a year and i pray like.. hrm.. once in a while. I guess it's also the lifestyle. But my family's extremely modern that i don't think its' wrong to not be traditional. I mean, i'm proud of my culture and religion but i not being traditional doesn't make me less of an indian. Plus, in Singapore, due to the multiculturalism, everyone is sorta influenced by a few cultures. But to think about it, i like being modern. I mean, i have views that are traidional.. but i can blend them with my modern perspectives and i guess that's what makes me who i am. I remember i had a friend who used to say that i wasn't being indian.. what's being indian anyway? I think people have this stereotypical view of how a specific ethnicity should behave that they expect everybody to sorta behave in that guideline. I find that absolutely myopic. Lately, i've been hooked to Indian sweets.. i passed by Little India that day and bought some sweets.. ahhh. Plus, there's this really cool shop that sells them for a reasonable price and his stuff are great too. Anyway, I actually felt like writing a song just now.. but now i will have to get to studying soon.

I woke up at like.. 2 am.. i slept at 6pm. I was very tired. Yesterday, i went out after school with Florence & Joanna. Well, it's Joanna's birthday on Friday and we were celebrating it. We went to Kenny Rodgers and had alot of stuff there. I kinda stuffed myself with Pasta and then, i ran into someone that i really didn't wanna bump into. Then, i came home, slept and yup. I woke up and watched some VC on tv and i decided to watch Monsoon Weddding. Well, it's 7:28 now.. i'd probably have to go & bathe and start work at like 8.. urgh. Well, i'll have to start anyhow. I'll see ya.

Prasad Steve.

June 14 - Saturday
12:35 A.M.

Hello :) Im' feeling kinda up & about.. i guess cuz i had quite alot of sleep. I slept from 2:30 P.M. to 8:50 P.M.. could you imagine that? Well, yesterday night, i woke up at 4 am, answered e-mails and went for a run at about 4:30 am.. than, i came home, took a shower and headed up to school cuz there was supposed to be a history lesson at 9 to 12 and than Economics from 2-4 pm. I reached school at 6:30.. (I wanted to go early cuz i wanted to start studying!) So, as i was sitting down, i got an SMS from my friend and she was saying that the class was cancelled cuz my teacher had somethin on. So, there i was, on the West of Singapore, 1 and a half hours away from home. So, i just walked out. It was not really bright but the sun was about to rise. Now, the weather in singapore is so damn humid! It's 32-34 degrees Celcius in the Afternoon and even in the night, it's quite unbearable. So, we kinda just switch on the air conditioning alll the time. So, anyway, it was kinda breezy and i decided to find something to munch, but nothing was open at 7 am.. i mean, the only decent place i could find open was  a 7 11 and i didn't wanna eat any cream puffs or snacks for breaky. So, i decided to go to the airport! Well, the food cafe's and stuff there are usually open very early and they are nice too. So, i took a train there and it was fantastic. Whenever i take a train there, i always get awed by the station as it's so futuristic. It just totally gets you. It looks so modern, it feels like you're in this sci-fi film or something. Anyway, i walked up and kinda loitered around and decided to have some burger king. Then, i just walked around, looked at the fish tanks, and enjoyed the Eye candy :)

I'm quite excited about my clubbing outing this weekend.. i've not gine clubbing in ages, but i've never gone clubbing with my best friend Leslie. So, it's gonna be really cool as it's been ages since we've spent time out :) Anyway, i'm listening to All Saints' Black Coffee now.. ahh... it's just really funky. Well, i have school later.. at 8 am. So, i'll be going for my routine run at like 3:30 and than, i'll have a shower and go to school. I'll probably study till the night in school or i'll come home. I guess it all depends on my mood. I've been doing alot of updates on the website and i'm glad that the groudwork's mostly done. Though the really time consuming parts are not done yet. Il'l get it done today and on Sunday. I've only got about 70+ more copies of the album to pack! Yey! Yup.. i should be able to finish that by Sunday too. My aim is to finish all my music stuff and whatever and get down to serious studying next week. I'll have exactly 2 weeks to get prepared for my exam.bah. Oh yeah, an i have wretched English homework to do by Friday too.. how fun. Well, looks like i'll be occupied tomorrow. I'm gonna go read some Ghost stories now and stay warm under my blanket! See ya!


June 11 - Wednesday
5:30 P.M.

Hey! It's been like a month.. since i left a message. But i've been kinda busy and well, i'm glad i'm free-er now :) Well, May wasn't that much of a very interesting month. I guess school was really taxing and i really didn't have time for alot of stuff. I was working on my music stuff as well, and i managed to have lots of progress. Well, let me just tell ya what happened in the last month in a short of summary. Oo.. anyway, i'm listenin to T-Boz's My Getaway.. i like this track. It kinda has this casual flow to it. My fave album now has to Christina's Stripped. My bro bought her album and Jewel's. The Jewel album that he got wasn't the latest one with Intuition.. I don't think that's out right? Yup, he got This Way. Anyway, Stripped is fantastic. I think every song is really really cool. Gettin to the point, in the beginning of may i had like a few tests.. History.. and i was mugging for those so it wasn't that exciting. I also managed to sell quite alot of stuff away on Ebay this month.. and my cupboard looks nice and empty! It actually has space to breathe in! So, that's cool. So far, i've sent about 350 copies of the album, Go Figure, overseas. Countries like Sweden, Canada, Turkey, Russia and Australia are done. Haven't really finished USA, UK and Singapore. But i will in this week. The process of gettin the Cd's  ready was very long.. and so it took me a while to get them all packed and properly labelled and stuff. I think the post office people now kinda recognize me and they are really nice. Well, for someone who spends alot, they better be! And then, in mid may, there wasn't anything exciting as i was staying in school everyday till like 7:30. Oh yeah, i didn't go to school in the Second week for 2 days and in the third week, i didn't go to school for 2 days or 3 days? i can't remember. Though in he last week of school (that was last week), i only didn't go for the last day! See, isn't that an improvement?

Well, in the mid-May period, i had a great time with my friend Joanna. We went to watch this Rock and Hip Hop gig at Orchard and we went to watch The Matrix Reloaded and had sushi at this Midnight Japanese Sushi joint, Edo Sushi , till 4am! I know, pretty late, but it was fun. I think i never really had that much fun since ages. Plus, it was cool as i told her all about my music and stuff and i gave her a copy of Go Figure (her b'day's on the 19th of June)..which reminds me that i gotta get her a Birthday card. I guess it was really fun cuz we were behaving totally dumb and oblivious to everything that went around us and we were having this Himbo-Bimbo thing going on and it was hilarious. She would say something and i would go, "No Way!" and she would say, "Yes Way!" and it was classic. *chuckles* Believe me, it was really kinda funny. i couldn't stop laughing about it, even when we came home. The gigs were ok.. the hip hop one was better though. I thought the rock one was way too screamy for me. I guess i like Alternative stuff that's not that screamy. Linkin Park's fine but i'm not into M.Manson. So, we watched The Matrix.. and you know how the movie's hyped about being good and stuff. Well, it was good.. i mean, i found the graphics and the effects fantastic. Truly something i've never seen before.. and the plot was good. But i really didn't get the content. I mean, the script was just a bit too abstract for me. Perhaps, if i watched the first The Matrix, i would have gotten it better. I watched the first The Matrix, ages ago, so it kinda was blurry to me. And Channel 5 played the The Matrix only on Sunday, after i watched it on Saturday. Joanna was fun to hang out with too. We are planning to go clubbing this weekend or something, but i think cuz it's her Birthday, she might postpone it to later, next week. So, i'm kinda cool with that.

Then, Third week was a bore. I was studying alot and preparing for my SAT's which were Last saturday! Could you imagine that i spent everyday in school studying till 7:30 for it and in the end, i didn't take it? Well, cuz my Tamil Language A'Level Paper was on Monday and i felt that if i went to do my SAT's and studied more for it, i might jeapordize my tamil paper. Plus, after some convincing from my parents, i thought fine. Plus, i don't wanna have to take Tamil again at ttill the year ends.. i can't imagine all the time i'll waste doing all the wretched homework! You know, there are some cool songs that i'm chillin to now.. My fave one is R.Kelly's Ignition (Remix). His track, Snake is also fantastic! I also love Busta & Mariah's I Know What You Want, Aaliyah's Don't Know What To Tell Ya, Craig David's Spanish, Craig David & Sting's Rise & Fall. I really like the Rise & Fall track, it's really meaningful and i just love the beat. It's a very good track to chill out to. Eminem's Sing For The Moment's Fantastic too. I haven't caught his video yet though. Oh yeah, speaking of Videos, Shania Twain's Ka-Ching! is fantastic. My dad met her 2 months back on Singapore Airlines and he got me an autograph of her. She looks fantastic. Though, my dad was saying that she's really short. He was saying thaty Kylie's even shorter. Jewel's Intuition is a very very cool track and the video's really great too. I think she's really evolving into a artist who can use the genres to compliment her style. I previewed her new album and it was fantastic. There's this song called America and it's very catchy. Check it out. I think she's putting alot of emphasis on the music now, including the lyrics and thus, her songs are unique now. And i liked the way she kinda made fun of the artists in the music industry in her video, Intuition. I thought she was parodying Mariah, JLo, Holly Valance and Avril. Though i'm not sure if i'm right or not.. but i think this will help her get more appeal. Well, 'im glad i can say stuff on my Thoughts page.. i miss it actually. It's difficult with this wretched timetable, but i'l try more now.

My school break now is till the 30th. It's a very short break actually.. 3 damn weeks and ion the 30th, it's my exams! So, you can imagine that i'll have to mug like hell next week. I decided that i'd finish all my music stuff this week and get into serious studying next week. i have to actually. i could use my breaks to say stuff here.. it would be sort of a de-stressing. but id' be worth it! I've been having a great time with Orion.. he's nice to play with and now that 'im more home, i've been playing with him and taking care of him. By the way, did i mention that the girl that was supposed to do the site bailed on me? Yup, i had to do the site all myself and that's why it's delayed. But 'ill manage it somehow. I intend to finish it by this week, so ateast i won't have any distractions. I was very happy with the new pictures from my photoshoot.. they were taken 3 weeks back. I think they show a really different side or me.. a very grown up side of me. And it's cool. Anyway, i gotta go now.. and 'ill try to leave a message later tomorrow :)

See ya!

May 02 - Friday
12:53 A.M.

Hello :) I know it's such a wierd time to be up. I had quite an ok day today. Pretty much monotonous. Wasn't that much of a blast for Labour Day. I actually just went up to sleep.. and lay down for awhile. Than, i just tossed to my left, my right.. and i got up. I decided to come down and put something in my Thoughts page. i was just very.. i don't know.. not in a mood to sleep. I was just thinking of life. I mean, does happiness derive from just the everyday life, or do we attain happiness through love? Well.... sometimes i wish i didn't go to college. Even today, i spend the whole day just studying.. doing homework.. you know i have my SAT's this weekend.. but i decided to not go for it and shift it to June instead. I feel stressed. Not only that, i feel different at times. I guess if i knew what i was working for in college, i would be focus. i rememboy how i didn't wanna go to college.. but there was so much pressure around me.. "go to College.. go to college.. that's better for you.." it was like a song that was sung repeatedly into my ears. I don't think i actually thought of what i exactly wanted. Or what i exactly wanted through college. I guess 'im feeling this because, i come back home everyday almost half dead. I have no energy for anything. I have no personal life, yes, thats' very much too. I don't think i can actually find someone i can trust. And perhaps, i'm just tired of looking? I guess, emotions aside, a relationship would just compliment life, bot direct it. But i wish i could get one that could direct it. i would wanna give up, sacrifise and cry for love.. i guess i just never got the chance (or right person) to experience that. I guess i was just feeling depressed just now.. i guess we do get into theae moods once in awhile huh? I'm glad it's the music that keeps me going. ironically, i spend more time on other things than on it. School takes up 65 % of my time.. music.. 25 % and Friends 10%. Sometimes i think maybe it's just me.. i'm just so stubborn.. but than, why can't i be happy? Or beter yet, why aren't i happy? I'm not happy now.. i was not happy yesterday.. tomorrow? Im' not sure if i'll be happy. I hope so.

Tomorrow (Or today) is gonna be a long day.. school finishes at 4:10 and i have gotta meet Jonathan to give him the final product of the Go Figure outline. Our meeting that day was fine.. i managed to work out exactly what i wanted in the album and stuff. Things seem to be going fine. Well, i expect the the cost of everything to hit my budget.. but i hope i'll be able to take some $$ out of my bank account.. as when my mum closed my old bank account, i told her to transfer all my money to her accoint (stupid me) as i wanted to keep my new account, solely for e-bay purposes and paying my credit card bills. I hope she will do the transfer as i expect postage for the album copies to come up to $1000. Well, that's just a rough estimate. So far, 489 addresses are confirmed. But i expect to add some people from the UK, which woulkd probably increase the amount to about 600+. But since i am getting 1000 copies printed, i wouldn't mind sending more abroad. I just really wanna get it all done by next week. I guess i wanna have less stuff to worry about. And i also wanna concentrate on writing new songs. Ok, i better go now.. it's 1.11 A.M. 'night.


7:10 A.M.

Hey :) Mornin! i'm in school now.. i'm kinda glad that i got this fast computer in one of the classes, and i'm just listenin to my Discman and i thought i'd just say a few things. ooo.. Lil' Kim's playin now.. I love the line when she says... "How i make a sprite can disappear in my mouth.." haha! Anyway, that earthquake in Turkey is so devastating. I was reading bout it yesterday and i read that the death toll stands at 80 but there are alot of students still stuck under the rubble. It's really sad that kids, so young.. have to die like that. But i guess there's no way to actually control earthquakes. Perhaps, in the future, technology might just be able to control certain natural disasters. The students in my school hostel have been put under quarantine as someone there got infected or is a suspected SARS case or somethin like that. Actually, i'm not really that acquainted with everything to know about SARS. I mean, i read almost everything bout the war and all other developments, but i guess i was just so saturated with SARS info that i just stopped reading stuff about it. I read and looked at stuff on tv, but the media is totally capitalising on it. There's tons of programmes with it, and it's mentioned almost everyday, when you're talkin to people and it's like on the cover on magazines and newspapers, of all languages. I don't know.. it's like as if there's nothing else goin on about in the world or something! I really really really wanna watch X Men 2 and it looks fantastic. But i have such a busy timetable today. I have to meet Jonathan and i have to go to the Post Office after that, to post some items. So, i'd probably come home at like 8 or something. But atleast i can confirm that today, the manufacturing of the CD will start. I think i will be able to finish the website by this weekend and probably Adrianna can start working on it. Wow.. just realized that the budget for this is really kinda high. It's probably the most expensive thing i'll ever be spending on. Well, once the bell rings, i'll have to work on a Literature presentaion that i have. I have 2 today, both on 2 different books. I know, it's exciting right? I so need to pump some excitement in my life. I realized that i'm not gonna just groan that life isn't fun or i'm not having are out of this world personal life. I mean, i'm not gonna just sit my ass there! I decided that if i'm not happy, i'm gonna do something bout it. I mean, i don't see why i should'nt be entitled to some satisfaction? Well, atleast for now, i'm concentrating on the release of Go Figure and well, in my free time.. i am gonna watch some movies.. and i am gonna go on dates. Ok, maybe not too much of those. Though i've not really been clubbing for ages.. hrm... Well, i just wanna break the monotony of this. *Listens to DMX's Party (Up In Here)* Damn.. i love this track. I remember that it's always played in clubs.. i love it when it comes on. Orion was so cute today.. he woke up and kept showing so muh affection to me and my mum, i guess he wanted his breakfast, though it's earlier than his usual time. Anyway, i really gotta go now and get ready for my assembly. urgh! See ya! Steve.

11:55 A.M.

The air smells great.. The wind just seems perfect and the weather is fine. I just feel a sense of bliss. And that elated feeling of joy and certainty is just creeping up my spine...*ahhh* oh wait, Miss K's absent! Well, so, i had only one Literature presentation to do. I have an Econimics lecture now though.. but oops.. hehe. I'm here :) See, the things i do for you guys. My school finishes at 4:10, but i'm leaving soon.. actually, in a few minutes. I'm not really feeling well though. Anyway, guess what? i got the website up and running. www.steveandre.net is officially my new website. And it's only a few days, (i can just feel it in my bones) when there would be a grand launching of the new website and the release of the new Album, with a contest that will away free copies of the album and stuff :) I just wanna give back to all of you out there, who has been supporting me. I know there have been a significant amount of people who message me asking for help, to help them get record deals. Well, believe me, i'd love to help you, and i would do what i can. But i'm having trouble even helping myself. And once i can get something substancial for me, than i can help you guys. But i believe in following your true feelings and aims, that's why i'm doing this. So, please don't be disheartened if i can't help you immediatly. I guess when i decided to come and do this thing, i realized that there's so many things to think about. I guess you'd have to think in the minds of the A&R people. What do u think they are looking for? You have to also find a genre that you're totally comfortable with and be able to write songs. It's in the writing songs part that artists get most of their revenue. I did loads of research, bought books, joined websites and spent quite alot of money. To understand what they want, you also have to look at the competetion.

I guess something that the music industry relies on, perhaps rely is too strong of a word, but something that is quite necessary, is an appearance or outlook. Singers today are not just singers, they take the roles of models and actors. So, there is a sense of impression making and the buisness is such that an appearance is a statement. I guess it's also human nature. I mean, even i, when i look at Jennifer Lopez or Madonns, I go "wow... she looks hot in this or that.." I guess it's the hard reality that we have to face. Even Sheryl Crow mentioned that it's impossible to get famous without looking pretty/handsome. And an appearance is an identity. Now, however, we cannot look at beauty in a very stereotypical way as well. I guess if you look at it this way, if you have your own look, it's your own individuality. You would rather have people to admire you and be able to connect with you. Plus, At the end of the day, it's the voice that counts. They can use anything to make you look good.. beauty is very subjective. But the true talent cannot be imitated. That was a very harsh reality i had to face too. It was only when i felt more confident about my appearance was when i decided to fully venture in to this. And most of times, when i do get conscious of my appearance, is when i'm either going out on a date/outing or if i'm having a photoshoot.. which reminds me that i need to get a photoshoot. Anyway, it's been a good day so far. I mean, i would be able to get some errands done and i'm quite happy bout that. I would probably be going out tomorow to watch X Men 2 with my Pals and they wanna go out to an Irish Pub after that. But i have to meet my other friend Joanna to discuss some Literature stuff. So, it's gonna be tough to decide.. Pub or Homework? Should i be studious or act wild boy? Hrm.. well, i guess i'll cross that bridge when it comes! Note: Moi is easily tempted.

Its' 12:20 now.. annoyingly. The official early time to leave school is 12:50.. I might as well just wait for the wretched thing to ding and leave than. Atleast i'm able to write stuff on my Thoughts page. I remember that yesterday i was thinking about death. I don't know why, it just crossed my mind. I was thinking of what it would be like after death. I mean, when you're alive, you have this feeling of being alive, knowing and just accepting whatever that comes. But what about death? How would that feel like? It's not that immediate loss of the soul from the body, that i'm talking about.. it's more about how i'll feel dead. Ok, i guess this just sounds very strange but the topic of death just crossed my mind last night. I guess it was quite natural, considering that i was thinking about life. Sometimes i think how life passes so quickly.. i can still remember all the stuff that i did when i was young.. (stupid and not that stupid stuff.. ) Don't know what's wrong with me.. i'm in this deep-mode or something. I guess i was thinkin about how my relationships with the people I liked/like are just.. i mean, funny. I mean, i guess, the first one i had screwed for it's own reasons. But in the other stuff that i was involved in, i just feel that i was taken advantage or used. Ok, in one, i was definately taken advantage of.. but i'm not sure of that other person that i am involved with. I'm not really sure how to evaluate it at all. Sometimes i just wanna give up, sometimes i wanna hold on. It's like a hold hokey pokey syndrome. Damn.. it's cold in here. This library's always cold, to begin with. Hey.. did i tell you that i wanna join this Song-Writing Competition and the first price is $10K! Yup, there are other cash prizes, such as, $2000 and $5000 and $500 consolation prizes. But the entering fee for that is $25 US. But i wouldn't mind investing a bit. Plus, $25US isn't alot of money actually.  The website cost me $100 and i'm actually making a list of how much i'm spending on this album, as an overall. I think it would be quite alot. I mean, i rarely go out and chill, which is good. Some $$ here and there goes to food (once in a while.) but alot does go to transport. I also spend quite alot in gifts to my friends birthday and Ebay bills, plus phone bills.

Anyway, It's 12:45, gonna get ready to march this ass outta here! So, i'll try to put in a message again!


April 28 - Monday
11:25 A.M.

hey :) Firstly, i wanna say Happy Birthday to Bal! Happy Birthday to you and i hope that you'd have a great year. Though we did get into this stupid and totally unecessary quarrel, i'm quite glad we sorted it out and dinner was great. I haven't really had pasta for quite awhile. Thanks again, and oh, i hope you like your prezzie *grins* Anyway, my weekend was very much.. productive.. but i had a bad or should i say lazy day on Sunday. I'm so glad that Thursday's a public holiday. I truly think that the weekends should be longer. like school should start on Monday and Finish on Thursday and Friday to Sunday should be non-school days. But as if people are gonna listen to me? I think 5 days a week are just so taxing.. argh. Anyway, i'm in the mood again (yes, i know, you're probably going, right..) for cookies. Well, i can't help it, i bought 300 grams of Famous Amos and i gave it all tp Bal, and i only took 1 cookie. I can just feel it in my tongue right now..(the cookie..) *ahhh..* ok, focus. i can't talk for long as i've gotta go do some work. I have some Econimics stuff to do. But there has been loads of progress with the release of Go Figure and today, i'm still gonna work on the website. Well, all in all, the deadline is May 7. I was thinking of just sending it all out and then, wait for the replies as school closes in June 7 and 1 month is more than enough time, to review it :) well, gotta ciao but i'll drop in from time to time :)


April 26 - Saturday
5:11 P.M.

hey! I just saw Madonna's American Life video.. and i'm astounded. It's probably one of the best videos i've ever seen. It's so chic and so stylish and very very original. Only and ONLY madonna can come up with a video like that. It truly shows not only her sentiments towards the war, but in a very creative and stylish way. And at the end, there's a little surprise and i'm not gonna ruin it for you! So, go and check it out. Seriously, it's better than alot of Madonna videos, though most of her videos are fantastic.. This one is just.. wow.  i'm still thinkin about it, in my head and i'm listening to American Life right now. You should check out Madonna's remix of American Life which features Missy Elliott. It's the Timbaland remix, i think. Well, looks like she's gonna appeal to more fans, with a hip-hop groove. American Life is my favourite song and video now. Looks like she's done it again. I decided that i'm gonna buy American life, i think the Album'a gonna be a smash. I heard Nobody Knows me, and it was fantastic. I heard critics kinda slammed it, but haven't they always slammed her albums? Justify My Love was banned but it went to #1 and i mean, this is Madonna, that's a good reason enough to buy her album. Anyway, getting away from this excitement, let me tell ya what i've been doin so far. Well, i woke up at 11:50 A.M. and i was workin on my music stuff. I managed to confirm all the Addresses to send the album, Go Figure out to. And i'm really proud of that. i'm gonna give you a comprehensive list of where all the albums are going. It's according to Country to Country. Take a peek:


(A&R, Managers, Producers)

01. Victoria
02. New South Wales
03. Western Australia

United States Of America

(Radio Stations)

01. Alabama
02. Arizona
03. Florida
04. Georgia
05. Indiana
06. Kansas
07. Michigan
08. Pennsylvania
09. Texas
10. Washington DC


01. California
02. Florida
03. Georgia
04. Louisiana
05. Maryland
06. Michigan
07. New Jersey
08. New York
09. Pennsylvania
10. Texas
11. Virginia


01. California
02. Georgia
03. Louisiana
04. Missouri
05. New Jersey
06. New York
07. Pennsylvania
08. Virginia


01. California
02. Florida
03. Georgia
04. Illinois
05. Louisiana
06. Maryland
07. Michigan
08. Mississippi
09. Missouri
10. New Jersey
11. New York
12. Pennsylvania
13. Tennessee
14. Texas
15. Virginia
16. Washington DC
17. Wisconsin


01. Saskatchewan


01. Katrineholm

Yup, thats' the total list. I'm really really proud of it. Eveything's going as planned and i'm glad bout that. I'm gonna get the album out by Next week, and the new website will be up soon. But that doesn't mean that steve-chronic will not be updated! If i have anything i wanna say, i will say it! So, keep coming here!


April 24 - Thursday
11:23 a.m.

Mornin'! It's been an ok day for me so far. I mean, i was terribly sleepy in the morning, but i kinda got over that just now. I only had like 3 hours-4 hours of sleep last night, but surprisingly, i'm quite up and about. I had a stomach upset just now.. i guess it's due to the Turkey sandwich i ate yesterday night. But forget about that. Anyway, i'm glad i can use my school breaks to say stuff, i mean, my thoughts page mean alot to me. I was supposed to meet the guy Jonathan today at like 4:30, to discuss the plans for the printing and manufacturing of Go Figure, but looks like i'll have reschedule it nest Tuesday. My aim is to get the album sent out by the beginning of May. The latest date i have in mind, is 7 of May. So, i have a tight schedule to work on. Luckily, i managed to finished all my homework, though i do have some stuff to do, i can complete them this Saturday afternoon. Anyway, when i was designing the website, io wanted something totally new, futuristic, encompassing all the elements of Go Figure. You will understand what i mean, when the site is launched. The address will be confirmed in the nest few days and i was thinking that i will keep steve-chronic.com as well, for a year, to keep it as a link to steveandre.net, as i bet people have been really used to steve-chronic.com. Adrianna, the one who i hired to do my site, will probably be able to get on with the technicalities of the site, this weekend. I just have some finishing touches to do, before i pass the final draft to her to work on. That's the same for the album. I haven't completely finalized the design, so i don't wanna meet Jonathan today. I guess, i will be able to confirm the Go Figure design, the addresses, and the site design by this weekend. So, i intend to move along quickly.

I'm glad that i passed all my subjects! Haha. But it was barely.. atleast i passed.. As compared to last year's F's, i think my E's are much better :P But anyway, my aim is to get the album out and website out, than i can just work on my college work. I mean, once Go Figure is released, it would be one burden off my shoulders.

You know, i wish i did more spontaneous stuff thes days.. I mean, it's been a while since i got drunk and puked or almost got arrested.. *grins*.. *sighs*.. perhaps  i gotta get out more or something! This whole being a student and studying thing can be kinda like a pain in the ass at times though. I'm supposed to have this goody image or crap.. well, wait till they visit the site. (which i'll make sure they'll never..) But i don't knoe.. i just hate that stereotypical perception that people have of students. Firstly, that they have no money. I remember that i went out with my Friend Marianne to eat someone, in our college clothes, and we were treated ok.. but when we went out in out outside clothes, we were treated really really nicely. It's like as if students have no credibilty or respect these days! Secondly, people have this percetion that students are naughty or love to play a fool. Well, maybe that has a point in some ways .. but hey, im' serious at times right? Now.. stop chuckling, i am! I guess, i try not to express my political views so vocally here, as i feel that i'm a musician, and that is what i should be focusing this website on. I don't want it to be a political tool though. But anyway, since we are on that thought, i saw the ad for Madonna's American Life, and i so wanna get the album. It just looks very very cool.

I would probably take a sick leave tomorrow, as i'm not feeing well.Than i could atleast get that much deserved rest, that i think i so need! I am kinda craving for cookies right now.. don't know why.. i think i just want that sweet taste in my mouth. *thinks of Famous Amos Cookies..... ahhhhhh* And i could do with some alcohol.. ok..let's make that alot of alcohol. I don't think i would be drinking any stuff this weekend, since i'm gonna dining in a Italian restaurant, sort of thing..
Well, i gotta go now.. i have to go and collect some books i left at the xerox shop, i'l catcha later!


April 23 - Wednesday
7:20 a.m.

Hey guys! I'm in school now.. school's gonna start in 5 minutes, but i thought i'd leave a quick message. Well, i'm so tired! I slept yesterday at 3:40 am and woke up at 5:10 am.. and yeah. But i am quite up and about. I realize that if i keep thinking that i'm tired, i will be tired. And i practically didn't do anything yesterday. I got very easily distracted, with my dad coming in to the study room and talking to me and with Orion and his antics. Today i have quite a short day and a few breaks in between. I don't have to go for my tamil class, as my teacher said i didn't have to! This was becuz on Monday, i got 40/40 for a test and he was so damn pleased. i have like about 3 breaks in between and my school finishes at 2:10. But i have this wretched seminar thing to go to, and that starts at 3 and would probably finish at 5. *sighs*

I so can't wait for the weekend. I'm like dying for a break. I managed to confirm the addresses of the people i'm going to send Go Figure to. I have so far done all the Radio Stations, Producers and Managers in the US and Australia. I have to finish all the A&R people in the US and that should come up to like about 500 plus people. I will probably consider the UK in a much later date. But planning for the CD is goin well. The new site is emerging, and i'm still designing it in the scraps of time that i have. Well, i gotta go now, cuz the bell's gonna wretched ring. I'll catch y'all later!


9:35 A.M.

Hey you. i'm back again! Well, it's my break now in school, and i thought, what the hec? I'll gtalk to ya'll for a few minutes. I have a lesson in like 15 minutes. Today's gonna be a long day, and i have got this essay outline to complete by tomorrow. Anyway, things at home have been kinda cool. I think Orion has really changed our lives. Atleast we have something to dote on and i think, it has brought us closer as a family. I have been thinking of some new songs... but i don't really have the time to write it all. It's such a waste. Well, blame it on the system here.. kinda sucks you dry from all strength that i really have no energy to pursue my own interests. I'm really really excited about the new website. I wanted steveandre.com but annoyingly, someone kinda already has the address. So, i'll have to make do with steveandre.net. Bummer. Anyway, i wanna say a huge shout out to my Aunt, Ghandi, who e-mailed me from Melbourne for My Birthday! Thanks alot!

Oh yeah, speaking of Birthdays.. i have gotta get a gift for my second bro.. He wasn't home to celebrate with us, cuz he was in the dorm. but i was thinking of this really wicked shirt to get him from Levis. You should go and visit the new Levis website. It's totally cool. Did i mention that i watched The Hours and The Recruit a few weeks back? Yah.. i was chilling with my friends and we decided to watch those. I wanna catch Anger Management though. It looks really cool. My fave song now is Madonna's American Life. I just saw the pictures of the album and single and they are really cool. I was recording a new song, That You Do, and i managed to finish the first verse. But i don't think i can complete the whole song, due to the lack of time. So, looks like the tracklist of Go Figure will have to be the way it is. And i'm supposed to call Jonathan (the guy who's printing my album) to discuss about the album. *sigh* damn.. there's alot of  stuff to do. I can't wait for Friday, when i can have a breather. I have this outing this weekend, with someone who, i have wanted to see for a while. I hope that goes well and we kinda have this romantic dinner planned and i'm kinda awaiting. Some nice italian food and a movie and w'ell probably hang out the whole Saturday and Sunday morning. hey.. i deserve a break too! i've had an average of 4 hours of sleep everday for the past 3 days.. urgh. Anyway, i have to go. the bell's gonna ding soon and i don't wanna have to dash to class. So, 'ill update ya'll on what's goiing on and stuff, when i can ok? I will, i promise.


13 April - Sunday
9:45 A.M.

Mornin guys :) It's 9:45 in Singapore, 9:44 P.M. in New York and 5:45 a.m in Baghdad :) *smiles* see, this is what happens when you watch too much news! Anyway, i woke up really early today at 6.. i've been having really early nights.. i slept at 11 last night, which i think is good.. i mean, it would be better when i start going to schookl tomorrow. Im' listening to my fave track now, Madonna's American Life. It's a totally cool track and i especially dig the rap part that she does. A thumps up for Mad! I bet the album's gonna be great. Yesterday, i had great progess with the track i was workin on, i managed to finish the first verse and confirm the amplitute and positioning, which took me a few hours. Today, i should be working on the chorus. Oh yeah, i wanna thank everybody who wished me happy Birthday on my birthday. Thanks for remembering! By the way, the new site should be up by this month and it's gonna be so cool, you're gonna wanna visit it everyday, let me tell ya. Plus, i should be having a new photoshoot this week for the new single. The album is very much confirmed, thought i'm still finalising the tracklist.

Well, i'm gonna have to stop writing soon, as i'm gonna be off to start reading a book. Than, i'm gonna work on an essay, and if i'm free later, i'll ut something up ok? I've been playing with Orion the whole day. believe me, he's really fun :) Ok, i'll see ya later!

12/04/2003 - Saturday
6:36 P.M.

Hey there! I have not said alot for awhile.. I'm so sorry for that. Well, i stopped posting messges when i started to study for my exams.. *listens to Lil' Kim's The Jump Off* damn.. i love this song. You should catch the video, its' fantastic! Anyway, my final paper was last thursday, yup, 9th of april. Actually, the papers finished on the 26th or 27th but then i had 2 and a half weeks off with no school, due to the SARS outbreak and the school were all closed for more than 10 days. Well, i didn't do much though but i've been very busy with loads of stuff and i'm gonna try my best to keep ya'll updated with all the stuff that has been going on with me. Well, alot of things have happened.. guess what, I have a kitten now. Yup, his name's Orion and i got him on the 28th of April and he was 5 months old than. So, now he's about 6 months plus old. He's really cute and he's a Maine Coon, a Native American cat. He looks very exotic, fluffy and very lovable. I'll put up pictures of him below, so, don't worry. He's been keeping me busy alot, as i try to make sure i play with him a while everyday and i spend some time with him. You know, sometimes when i put him on my bed.. he would just drop *plomp* on my pillow and lean to one side and give me that look. I guess having a pet is probably the best thing anyone can have. Not only is it theraputic, it just makes life less mundane and he makes me laugh all the time with his tricks and ways. Anyway, school's been a dread.. i'm just so hating it.. well, what can i do huh? I will try and leave messages more often. Now that school has started, i usually like to de-stress by pouring it all out on this site. You know, i miss saying stuff here and this is my online diary and it's great to just be able to have that freedom to say what i wanna say.

By the way, i'm still saving up for my album and i can say that it's gonna be released very very soon as i have enough money to get it manufactured. I basically sold alot of my stuff on ebay and saved all that money. I'm trying to make sure that the album can be released by the end of April, but i'm not sure if that will suffice. I have me SAT's on the 7th of May and i have homework to do too today, that is. I woke up at 5am today.. yeah.. i know you're probably going "why the hell?" but i slept at 10 as i was sick on Thursday and i went to see a doctor on that day itself and i had a medical leave for Friday. So, i've been kinda resting as the medication kinda get's me drowsy. I woke up, ran around the field a little while and came home to answer e-mails and read the newspapers. You know what, i'm feelin really hungry now.. i'm home alone, with Orion and everybody's kinda gone out.. Anyway, I've been working on this new single .. but i'm not gonna tell ya'll. It's gonna be a great surprise! All i can say is that, it's gonna be a bang. And i've also been working on a great new site with a brand new address. So, there are gonna be loads of changes, so brace yourselves :)


There's Orion on top! These pictures were taken a few days after he came to my place. I know he looks like a cat, considering that he was only 5 months that time. I love the first one the best and in the second pic, hes' giving that pissed look *haha*, it's probably because we were trying to asl him to smile for the pic :P These were taken on my bed, by the way.

My fingers are achin. i've been typing non-stop today.. which reminds me that i have a history paper to do *argh* I turned 18 last wednesday. It feels kinda wierd though.. i mean, i don't feel older but now that i'm 18, im' like legal for everything. I mean, when you're 16, you're a teenager, when you're 17, you're an older teenager, and when you're 18, you're like a really old teenager and a young adult. I guess it just kinda makes me think how i would feel like at 30.. hrm.. ok, maybe i wouldn't wanna think about that now :P I had cool pressies though. My dad gave me $100 and my 2 elder brothers gave me $50 each and i felt so bad that they were giving me so much money. Well, all that money when to the Help-Steve-With-His-Brand-New-Album Fund *grins* and that's how i managed to get enough. But i guess it was worth it, to sacrifice my stuff and to not go out alot. I mean, i've been workin so hard for this music thing, i can't just give up now, can i? i hope you'll visit the page often and check in on the updates, as i plan to put in more thoughs as days go on, now that school's started and it's gonna grab every aspect of my life. But i might not write lenghty stuff, as i have loads of work to do. *breathes out* Ok, i have to go. Gotta finish on a verse i'm workin on, bathe and read! So, i'll catcha soon ok? Oh yeah, by the way, i just took an IQ test and my score was 129. i'm not sure if that's good but it said that Intellectual Type is: Visual Mathematician... ahh. I never expected that :P If you want, you can go take one too, go to www.emode.com . Ok, i'll see ya!


24/2/2003 - Monday
1:38 P.M.

Hey... i hope ya'll are ok.. i know i've not been putting up mesages.. damn.. my timetable is so damn stressful. and i'm so tired. You knoe, for the past week, i've been just going to school, coming back home, sleeping, waking up, doing my homework and going to school back again.. it's a damn vicious cycle.. And today, i didn't feel well, so i did'nt go to school. Later, i'm going to be seein a doctor.. as i've been gettin these bad headaches and it's been killin me.. and i thought, i might as well get myself checked out. as i in, i'm goin to GH for a cat scan.. Well, i woke today, and on the TV, there was the Grammy's goin on. It was quite good.. though there was too little hip-hop stuff for me. Suddenly, i got kinda hooked to Norah Jone's Don't know Why. I always had her song in my computer and i have her album, but i never really listened to the song as my brothr kinda hogged the album. But i just found it very soothing.. the song i mean. Lately, i've been finding school a littlee bit hard to manage.. my exams are in like 32 days time.. i thought i'd start studying in 2-3 days.. so i'm gonna finish homework and stuff abd start revising.. though i hope i will be able to not procrastinate.. I do'nt really chat much with my friends on the phone now.. it's just occasional talking to my best friends, but that's kinda essential, isn't it?

I had a performance on Saturday, in school.. but i wasn't too pleased with it overall.. the music sucked, as in the PA system and the mic kept on screwing up. I thought that wss really irritating. and so when i went up on stage, the musoc didn't come up! And i hhad to talk to the crowd and just cheer them up.. and it kinda demoralizes you when you get mistakes like that. Thank god it was just an entertainment thing and i wasn't competing, as i atleast didn't feel much pressure, in that way. Anyway, i have been writing some new songs.. and i'll put them up when i can ok?

So, how was your Valentine's Day? Mine was ok.. kinda sucked actually *laughs* I had school till 6.. then by the time i came home it was 7:30 and then whatever i had planned had to be cancelled due to last minute changes, so it kinda sucked.. I can't wait for my exams to end.. i guess that would be till the end of March.. early april. Anyway, it's gonna be 2 now, so i'm gonna go.. gotta start reading! i'll talk to ya soon!


20/2/2003 - Monday
12:29 P.M.

Hey you :) It's my break and i'm in school now.. i just ate quite alot.. and i do feel sick.. but i guess i should be fine. im' gonna be getting a Hepatits B immunisation blood test later. Cuz, im' getting the injections and they are testing the blood.. urgh.. i don't know if i mentioned it before but i have a phobia of blood.. though i  don't know why i still watch horror movies! And i totally dig it.. but the blood still kinda freakes me out.. i guess it all came about when i was like 8 or 9 and i was riding a bicycle with my dad and we were laughing and stuff and suddeny a spike from the wheel out and went through my leg, just above the ankle. It was so painfull, i screamed. i still remember it.. and there were so much of blood and my dad carried me to the doctor.. I guess from than on, i could never really look at blood.. plus, i always hated it when i got that taste in my mouth when i bit my lip or had an ulcer.. it just kinda grossed me out. Anyway, i guess i'm jittery because i know that a nurse is gonna poke me with a damn needle.. damn.. talkin about it is not helping as well! let me switch the topic..

I keep thinking of my fren's cat.. Miya.. she was so adorable.. i remember my fren was makin fun of Mariah carey and i started singing one of her songs and Miya put her paw on my back and it was like.."Hey.. stop that.. i don't like her too" or something.. *laughs out loud* And when i stopped, she just went away! It was so cute! She's so adorable.. she's brown, a caramal shade on the top, with a white chest and paw area. She's a normal cat, im' not sure of her specific breed, but she kinda looked like a tomcat.. And she looked so healthy and so fury.. i just couldn't stop patting her. She digged the attention too :) I can't wait to see her again though. On Saturday, Nesh sent me this messge, "Save it for someone who cares, i'm really sick of u n i really couldn't care less whether i never hear from u again or not. you've turned so fake and plastic bye".. I thought that was kinda harsh.. i guess since i consider my thoughts page as a diary, a very personal diary, i am quite willing to discuss about my relationships with my friends. Well, one thing for sure, i felt that he thought i was fake or plastic, he should atleast tell me in what way and how or whatever.. i mean, i have to admit, our relationship has been deterioating.. i mean, we were close till like last year when we went to different colleges. But i don't think i was not close to him because of the fact that i didn't like him or what he represented or stuff.. i guess it was because we just stopped spending time together.. and when u stop spending time someone.. you would generally drfit apart. There were many differences.. and we did fight.. oh believe me we did.. but i just don't think i could ever understand him, as a person. We'e not on the same frequency and we have really comflicting views on certain things.. but i don't think that makes me "fake and plastic:.. one thing for sure, i try my best to be as honest and true not only to myself and feelings, but to the people around me. And there was never a day i not thought good things for him,or about him. It's sad actually. Well, i'm not gonna think about it much.. i'm glad i do have other good friends i can rely on. It's just a matter of building that relationship and trust.. ahhh.. that was like such a long deep conversation! Anyway, i feel really fresh for letting that out. and i really gotta go.. the bell's gonna ring! So, Bye!!


24/01/2003 - Friday
4:42 P.M.

I'm back! The pizza was great! My frens got 4 boxes for us.. and it was really delicious. I bought some drinks for my friends, mingled and i thought i'd come up to the library and put a message! Yup.. i'm do darn glad that it's the weekend. Today is 3 of my friends birthday celebrations and my dad's too. I got him fish yesterday.. one big lion fish, 2 baramudi's and 2 clownfishes to put in the tank and i think he likes them, and i'm glad. I gave my fren Charissa a bear thing, which i knew she would like, Darrel: some nice ribbed condoms and i gave Grace a red hot bikini and jeans condoms! Hehe.. yup, it was my idea all right. But my friends chipped in and stuff, so that was cool. I've got a lecture now.. yeah.. its' from 5-6:30 but after that my frens and i are chilling at Olio Dome.. for cake and coffee and snacks.. ! Well, i better go soon though.. i don't wanna get late. I'll have to tell up about the track i've been writing, My Constitution and 2 Of You, One Of Me. They are fun, groovy and personal.. and very mature. I'll probably hit the sack when i get home.. i know that 'ill be really tired after dinner.. Damn.. i forgot the camera.. oops!


4:01 P.M.

Hey! *yawns* yes... its' been such a tiring week.. believe me. i only had 3 hours of sleep last night.. of possibly even less! Though i had ok lessons today.. i managed to finish my work and i skipped my econs test and my teacher caught me! Argh! I lied that i was seriously sick and that i was lying down in class, thus i couldn't make it to the lecture/test. I felt so damn guilty.. he gave me the test question and told me to do it in the weekend :( I feel so damn bad... Well, the bell's gonna ring soon.. and i have to leave soon.. but i have loads to tell ya'll. more of like my weekly grumbles and crap.. and yeah it is alot :) I 've got homework to do in the weekend.. but forget about that.. i've gotta Pizza-Party to attend to now and dinner reservations at Olio Dome. hehe. So, i gotta go and i'll talk to ya'll later!


12:29 P.M.

Hey you :) It's my break and i'm in school now.. i just ate quite alot.. and i do feel sick.. but i guess i should be fine. im' gonna be getting a Hepatits B immunisation blood test later. Cuz, im' getting the injections and they are testing the blood.. urgh.. i don't know if i mentioned it before but i have a phobia of blood.. though i  don't know why i still watch horror movies! And i totally dig it.. but the blood still kinda freakes me out.. i guess it all came about when i was like 8 or 9 and i was riding a bicycle with my dad and we were laughing and stuff and suddeny a spike from the wheel out and went through my leg, just above the ankle. It was so painfull, i screamed. i still remember it.. and there were so much of blood and my dad carried me to the doctor.. I guess from than on, i could never really look at blood.. plus, i always hated it when i got that taste in my mouth when i bit my lip or had an ulcer.. it just kinda grossed me out. Anyway, i guess i'm jittery because i know that a nurse is gonna poke me with a damn needle.. damn.. talkin about it is not helping as well! let me switch the topic..

I keep thinking of my fren's cat.. Miya.. she was so adorable.. i remember my fren was makin fun of Mariah carey and i started singing one of her songs and Miya put her paw on my back and it was like.."Hey.. stop that.. i don't like her too" or something.. *laughs out loud* And when i stopped, she just went away! It was so cute! She's so adorable.. she's brown, a caramal shade on the top, with a white chest and paw area. She's a normal cat, im' not sure of her specific breed, but she kinda looked like a tomcat.. And she looked so healthy and so fury.. i just couldn't stop patting her. She digged the attention too :) I can't wait to see her again though. On Saturday, Nesh sent me this messge, "Save it for someone who cares, i'm really sick of u n i really couldn't care less whether i never hear from u again or not. you've turned so fake and plastic bye".. I thought that was kinda harsh.. i guess since i consider my thoughts page as a diary, a very personal diary, i am quite willing to discuss about my relationships with my friends. Well, one thing for sure, i felt that he thought i was fake or plastic, he should atleast tell me in what way and how or whatever.. i mean, i have to admit, our relationship has been deterioating.. i mean, we were close till like last year when we went to different colleges. But i don't think i was not close to him because of the fact that i didn't like him or what he represented or stuff.. i guess it was because we just stopped spending time together.. and when u stop spending time someone.. you would generally drfit apart. There were many differences.. and we did fight.. oh believe me we did.. but i just don't think i could ever understand him, as a person. We'e not on the same frequency and we have really comflicting views on certain things.. but i don't think that makes me "fake and plastic:.. one thing for sure, i try my best to be as honest and true not only to myself and feelings, but to the people around me. And there was never a day i not thought good things for him,or about him. It's sad actually. Well, i'm not gonna think about it much.. i'm glad i do have other good friends i can rely on. It's just a matter of building that relationship and trust.. ahhh.. that was like such a long deep conversation! Anyway, i feel really fresh for letting that out. and i really gotta go.. the bell's gonna ring! So, Bye!!


19/1/2003 - Sunday
11:06 P.M.

hey! I just came back from dinner with my parents.. i felt like putting a message, so i though, what the hec? It was great.. my second brother just got his licence and he drove us to dinner and then, he drove us back to his University Dorm and than, my elder brother drove us home. It was cool. My dad kept saying how i was the last one to learn to drive.. hinting that iv'e got a few more months to get 18 and get legal to learn to drive. But anyway, i gotta do some literature after this and probably read some history and sleep.. i don't know why but i'm feelin sleepy.. i guess its' the weather.. it's such a lazy feelin.. It was my Aunt, Ghandi's birthday on the 17th, Happy Birthday Aunt! I got some payments yesterday, so im' still trying to save up for the album..*sighs* Anyway, tomorrow's a long day.. i don't think 'ill be able to put a message up tomorrow as i'll be finishing school at like 4, then, i'm goin to go to the library and do some reading.. I gotta cut my hair! Not because my teachers are bitchin.. but because i wanna maintain it at a certain length.. oh guess what, i checked the chart positins and they ARE CLIMBING!!! Here's THE update!!!

Strain For The Shimmy                                  - #285    (In Pop)
Strain For The Shimmy (Intertwine Remix)       - #717    (In Rap/Hip-Hop)
Not Into You                                                - #1097  (In Pop)

i'm really glad with Strain For The Shimmy.. i think it's going really well! I remember it debuted at 1500 something when i first released it. But i'm really glad with the feedback and the response.. it's really encouraging :) Anyway, i gotta go now, so i'll see ya'll later :) 'Night

4:05 P.M.

hey People! it's moi here... Comment allez vous? *laughs* i'm not that good at french.. just a few words that i know :) Im' fine! It's a great day.. the weather is so stormy and it has been raining non-stop since i woke up.. i just love it when it's so cool and wet.. it's just nice tosleep or have a hot chocolate and lie down.. you know what i mean? Well, i don't have that much homework to do, but i'm gonna start in a few minutes :) I just woke up actually, at 3:00... i came home at 9:00 today.. yu, i went out with my fren last night at like 11. Anyway, i'm listenin to Madonna's Paradise (Not For Me).. i think it's so appropriate for the mood now.. i have a performnce next month.. and im' still thinking of what exactly i should do. It's a convention thing that all the collegues in Singapore are attennding. I decided.. I have to start excercising tomorrow! I look like a freakin toad.. *grins*.. im' serious.. plus i think i gotta have stamina.. i'm listenin to Smoke City's Underwater Love.. its' one of the best chill-out songs ever.. you should check it out! You know what i'm longing for.. a nice warm brownie... ahhhh... Anyway, i'm just answering e-mails and i got replies to some of my ads in the music classifieds that i left all over the net. I really wanna learn a new language properly.. like Spanish or French or perhaps Arabic.. i mean, i can speak Tamil and Hindi and English and that's it. I don't even have time to read my own school stuff.. hehe. Anyway, thank god i didn't put learning a new language as a new years resolution, cuz then i would have to do it :) Well, i'm gonna go now, gonna have a shower first, then i'll do my work. I'll see ya!


18/1/2003 - Saturday
1:09 P.M.

Hey you! It's me again! Yup, it's finally the weekend.. i slept kind early yesterday.. like at 11 plus. I got my phone fixed! And yes, so, it's vibrating properly now and it's cool :) Wow.. it's the 18 already.. it's really quick how time flies.. to me, it feels like New Years was like yesterday or something.. I've been eating rice now, well, i usually don't. It's just that i think i've lost too much weight and i think because of the lack of nutrients, i'm getting sick very easily. i'm still havin this dry cough and i'm still feelin a dry throat,. it's annoying.. this virus is just ain't gonna go that easily. Well, i managed to do my errands yesterday, but i didn't do much work cuz alot of time was taken going here and there.. in the tube and stuff. I'm listenin to Ching Ching by Ms. Jade, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado.. it's a wicked track! Anyway, remember that poem/song i said i wrote before? Well, i'm gonna put it below, so read it and tell me what ya think. Basiclly, i was just thinking of a song with a sad, war theme thing.. but then, it came to look more like a poem.. so, i'm not really finalizing it yet, but it's called Israel and it's cool.


Wander the alleys in fear
Children losing their innocence so near
When lights are shot in the sky
Shuffled feet rush for shelter
Blood and tears is all they see
In everywhere they turn

When will we ever see
life is a really short journey?
Holding to old memories,
Wishing for tomorrow to be
Full of peace and love, finally
Letís hold our hands and pray for mercy
Oh god, show them some light to see

Time to stop the children from shivering
War is not the way for them to see
The worldís beauty in godís infinity

I really like the words though.. i think it's very straightforward.. and well, at the moment, i'm writing a new song, it's called My Constitution. Its' really the most hip-hoppish track that iv'e written and well, i'm really proud of it. remember that track, That You Do, the cool dancey one i told you about, well, i'm listening to the music now i just love it.. i feel like singing it.. hehehe. im' gonne put the lyrics up, so, u can read it:

That You Do

ooÖ ooo.. yeah..

I do what I can for you
And I appreciate what you do
But why do you trip on me?
Youíre not my father, my brother or my family.

I can do what I wanna do
I donít live my life for you
I donít have to explain myself
Or let you put me on a stand
All you need is some growin up to do
So donít judge me with your
Crap and stupid reasons, that you do

If I feel what I think is right
I donít need your opinion down my throat
What I do is my personal lifeÖ
It shouldnít affect you, it shouldnít ever affect you.

I can do what I wanna do
I donít live my life for you
I donít have to explain myself
Or let you put me on a stand
All you need is some growin up to do
So donít judge me with your
Crap and stupid reasons, that you do

So what if we think differently?
Everyone has their own policy..
But does that have to affect you and me?
What has it got to do with you anyway?

I think thereís a line to be drawn
Of things you should or should not say
I donít want someone around me
Who behaves in this kinda way

I want people I can trust
And not to be afraid of telling all my
Secretes and stuff..
Kinda used to being betrayed
Or having that wrong thing done against

I can do what I wanna do
I donít live my life for you
I donít have to explain myself
Or let you put me on a stand
All you need is some growin up to do
So donít judge me with your
Crap and stupid reasons, that you do

So, it has come to this point
Iím tired of going any closer
I feel like Iím at a stage
Where I canít stand you any longer

I can do what I wanna do
I donít live my life for you
I donít have to explain myself
Or let you put me on a stand
All you need is some growin up to do
So donít judge me with your
Crap and stupid reasons, that you do

*smiles* You know, i was thinking of putting a live performance of That You Do up on this site... but i'm not sure.. my voice is kinda killing me.. but Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you! Strain For The Shimmy and Strain For The Shimmy (Intertwine Remix) Are doing REALLY well on the Charts!!! IM" SO HAPPY! When i checked the statistics, i was dumbfounded! Here's an update:

Strain For The Shimmy                                 - #353    (In Pop)
Strain For The Shimmy (Intertwine Remix)     - #718   (In Rap/Hip-Hop)
Not Into You                                               - #1090  (In Pop)

Yup, Not Into You is not doin so well..  i think its' just too poppy.. and it is.. but Sony liked it. I'm really glad that Strain For The Shimmy is doing well. It's because of all the people who voted and requested for it! So, thanks everyone who went and reviewed the track and requested for it. It means a great lot to me. I mean, it is a sense of accomplishment, but also i worked so hard on these songs, i think i'm finally gettin that recognition. I mean, i went through a massive promotion.. went tons of e-mails, faxes.. though i'm done with e-mails.. i'm not done with the faxes. I'm still gonna continue promoting anf next week, i should get enough $$ to meet that guy and get my album printed! I can't wait.. i mean, to send it off to all the record companies! Anyway, i gotta go now, its' 1:57 and i gotta go start doing my homework.. though i'm not in the mood to do so, i'll see ya later!


16/1/2003 - Thursday
7:44 P.M.

Holla! Well, i just had my dinner and i came back from school at like 5. On the way home, i bought ice cream from this guy who sells it on the movable truck/motorcycle thingy and i really like his ice cream.. I've bought it thrice this week.. for me and my mum. Anyway, why am i talkin about Ice cream? I don't know! Let me play some music.. i think i could go with some moody music... *fills his playlist with mp3s* Anyway, I had a great day at school today.. surprised? hehe.. i know.. i guess i complain alot huh? U knoe, i remember before,i used to be so rebellious.. (not like i'm not now) but well, i just don't do it in front of my teachers! Well, i have this tyranic teacher, Miss K, who herself proclaims to be a bitch and believe me, she is. I mean, she good as a teacher, but as a person, i'm not sure. I mean, she was sick that day and i called her to ask for the homework that the class needed to do, and well, that's my job as i'm the Literature Rep and she was like, "You're late" and i called 2 minutes after the bell rang and bbecause i was moving from classes to classes.. there wasn't even a freakin Hi or Hello or Heya! Anyway, she was sick, so i said, "Oh you sound bad.. i hope you're ok.." and guess what she said, "Of course i'm bad! If i was'nt i would be in school, would i?" And i was like.. right.... And she constantly picks on my hair.. and well, i just nod my head and saw "Yes, miss k" to everything.. but that doesnt' mean i actually follow! I remember the first time i went to nher lecture and she shouted at me because she thought my pants was not school pants and i said, "Well, do you want to come and see the back of the pants where the school label is?" and yup, i rebelled and she hated me! She told the teachers that she did.. it's probably because i pissed her off. But now sh'es okay with me.. I don't break the rules in front of her and i avoid her. Anyway, that was a damn long paragraph about someone that i sometimes get pissed off at!

I just talked to my bro about his fren, Tara and she does websites and people pay her like $1000-$2000 for websites! Well,i want a new design for my site, but for $1000? Im' not sure how i'm gonna get that much cash. *sighs* Looks like i have to edit the site myself.. i don't mind doing it.. actually, i love doing my site, but i don't knoe complex stuff and my computer knowledge sucks, so i can't do those animation and stuff. If only i can find an online guide or something.. and i can re-create this site to a cool new design. I will look into that in the weekend! Yup! It's Thursday.. just one more day to the weekend! Im' not sure if i'm goin out tomorrow but iv'e gotta get my cell phone fixed as it's bitchin full-time.. the vibrator isn't workin and the tones are'nt workin that well too! And i ca'nt live without my cell, so i'll have to get it fixed tomorrow. I've got a bunch of  errands to do tomorrow. I wanna call the General Hospital.. as i've been having this flu for a month and it's not gettin better and i'm still havin a dry cough and with my asthma, it's not helpin. So, i thought i'd call and make an appointment or something as i gotta see a doc and get stronger anti-biotics and get a blood test or something. I'm listenin to Atomic Kitten's It's Okay.. i like their songs.. they are very feel-good.. though lately i've been diggin on old tracks, like Melanie B's Word Up and Paual Abdul's My Love Is For Real. I gotta get well, cuz next month, i have a performance.. im' singing to this audience in school.. it's a convention thing and i was invited to join the celebration and contribute a number and i felt honoured :) I actually had another competetition to join, but i didn't as it was last year and the auditions were really far! But anyway, give me a sec, i gotta answer my ICQ messages.. i'm talking to 2 people at the same time.. Bal and Jarred.. (Hey you 2!) Anyway, i had a great day at school as i managed to get the work i wanted to get done, done and  well, i gotta start on work soon, but i felt like comin here and listen to some music and say stuff to ya'll! Well, school was great cuz i had this great lecture about the Soviet Union, the collapse of the Soviet Union, to be exact. I always found the Russian History very interesting and well, todays' lecture was very enlightening.. I learnt about how the Soviet Union collapsed, why it collapsed and what the consequences where and the formation of the Russian Republic and the Independent Republics. Just looking at a map, the Soviet Union was so big.. it's amazing.. just thinking of an empire or regime like that is extremely grand. But it was sad that the regime was oppresive and repressive and the people were unhappy. I don't know if it is just the seeds of communism or Soviet Ideology? Though, when you look at the communist countries of the world, not one of the are doing well except for the People's Republic Of China  due to the fact that their opening up.. i rememeber i had this fren of mine was arguing with me like3 months back that China was democratic! God.. it was so funny to think about it after that! Anyway, i mean, looking at Vietnam.. i mean, the economy is bad and countries like Laos and Cambodia are also not doing well. And there's this rise in prostitution and those sexual stuff, as the women have no other prospects and then lead a live such as that. It's quite sad when you think about it... i mean, sometimes i feel like i take this affluent like fo granted. Just now, i read the most appaling article in my life, that i had to print it out and keep it. It was about the Democratic People's Republic Of Korea or North Korea and it was about their torture camps.. my god.. the stories were appaling.. thank god the Americans saved Seoul back in 53.. i mean, just reading stuff and looking at the North Korean Regime, it's scary and with that whole nuclear crisis goin on.. they have missiles that can reach any South Korean and Japanese city.. hrm.... Ok.. now why am i engaging in politics now? haha! One minute i'm yapping about music, school and then politics.. Anyway, back to Russia.. i think the lecture did shape my views  towards communism and help me view my feelings and also, i just felt sorry for the people who were part of that repressive regime. I mean, by statistics, Stalin killed atleast 12 million of his own russians... and that was because they were tained by western influence or they were a threat to the Soviet ideology and national security.. though he was a fantastic leader and he created the regime. I think that there should be more flights to Moscow and that though it will take time, i can't wait to see the Russian economy and the Russian culture take off.. i mean, there's this sense of mystery when it comes to the Russians and i just find that so interesting. Wait.. i think i can remember the 15 independent republics that were formed... hrm... ok, damn.. let me look at my notes.. oh yeah! There was the Russian Federation, Ukraine, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Belourussia, Azerbaijan, Georgia, Tadzhikistan, Moldova, Kyrgystan, Lithuania, Turkmenistan, Armenia, Latvia & Estonia.. ya.. those are the 15 independent republics.. cool heh? i just find it so interesting.. well, i'm gonna have to go now..it's 8:22 now and i was supposed to start studing at 8:00.. so, 'ill try my best to leave a message tomorrow ok? Ok, i'll see ya!
Bye bye!


15/1/2003 - Wednesday
2:15 A.M.

Hey! It's past 2 and well, i'm gonna be up for the rest of the day, i guess. i came back from sch at like 4 and i slept at 5:30 and woke up at 12:00... 6+ hours of sleep is quite enough for me, i guess. I got my homework done yesterday and i'm gonna do some once i've finished this message. One thing for sure, i miss putting up messages on myThoughts page.. its' not like i really have no time or stuff.. actually, it's usually that case *grunt*, but usually, i think about alot of stuff that i wanna say here and then i just get on doing other stuff like homework and stuff. I'm eating cold chestnuts now.. i love them.. especially when they are really chilled.. and my fave song now is Justin Timberlak's Cry Me A River.. i think it's fab.. yup, i knoe i'm kinda cynical of pop, but wait, aren't i pop too? *winks*? Anyway, after this, i gotta drag my ass to my table and do my Economics.. *groan* and learn for a literature test i have later today.. Today, i finish school early though, at 2:10, so i can come home early and hit the sack.. Lately, it's been like that.. i come home from school, sleep, then wake up and do my work. I guess i'm fresher when i wake up. Oh yeah, i hate a date on Sunday.. well, it was at 3: am.. and i came home at 5! (without my mum or family knowing of course..) i lied and said i went for a jog.. *grins* and i feel kinda guilty.. but what could i do? If i told my mum i was meeting someone at 2 am, she'd be like "What?!".. so, i went ahead myself. So, you could say i sneaked out, but guess what, im' not gonna do it again. I feel bad, i guess. I mean, my parents are really cool and i guess if i have to meet someone late, i'll just have to cancel it then. Well, i guess it was my impulse acting and i wasn't thinking with my head or conscience. This month there are many Birthdays. My dad's on the 24th as well as my cool fren's, Grace. My other fren, Charissa, also has her Birthday on the 24th. My bro's (shayne) birthday is on the 4th of Feb and my close fren, Marianne's B'day is on the 7th. So, i'm kinda brainstorming for cool gifts for them. Oh yeah! Did i tell you what i got my brothers for Christmas/New Year? Well, i got my eldest brother (Shayne), a Kamasutra *laughs*, and believe me, it's one very visual Kamasutra.. i never knew there were so many positions though! And i told him that i would borrow it when i might need it *smirks* Damn.. i'm full of expressions today aren't i?

My aunt, Ghandi and i have been communicating by e-mail and that's cool. She left a message on the Guestbook and i thought that was really nice of her (Hi perimah!) She likes Not into You and Once and she said that one song was too overbearing.. hehe... cuz i gave her a copy of The Demo and she listened to it. I guess the overbearing one had to be Love Is Somethin' I Need.. hehe. i guess there's too many F's there for her to bear (sorry!) She lives in Melbourne and it's great that i can still talk to her once in awhile.. which reminds me that i gotta answer her e-mail and she's my mum's older sister. Anyway, i got my other brother (Keith), a Giodarno Shirt.. it was pretty nice, and well, he needs clothes, so i thought, what the hec? I might as well get him stuff that he really needs! Well, i was planning to go clubbing with my frens this weekend.. we wanted to go to this jazzy club but i'm not sure if we are all goin or what. A, i have homework. B, i need to save money. C... hrm.. i don't think there's a C.. But anyway, i would like to chill in a nice jazzy place but well, i'll see how it goes. And i have 2 dates this weekend.. both not finally confirmed.. cuz they are busy.. Well, i wish i could talk more about my personal life? Should i? hehe.. Well, i'll sleep on that. Ok, give me a sec... i've gotta switch Cry me A River to another track, this one has been playing back and fro for like 7 times.... *changes the music to Automatic* ahhh... Now.. where were we.. oh yeah.. dates.. Well, i have met like 4 new interesting people that i like. I guess i've never dated anyone younger than me.. i don't know why. i think it's because its' hard to find someone that i can click mentally and spiritually with on the same frequecy. ok, though the spiritually part would only come about after a few months of dating. Well, this 4 new people are nice. One's a lawyer.. the other is in the University, one more is in Advertising and the other one is a Financial Analyst. They are 29, 27, 30 and 23 respectively. I know  what you're thinking.. they are much much older.. but well, i don't know.. i've never dated anyone from school at all and i find it hard to click with people who are my age or younger. With people my age,or younger, i can only talk about school, homework, music, movies and teen stuff and well, i like talkin about stuff like that. It's not like i'm that mature or anything.. there are times when i like talkin about teenage stuff with the other guys in my class. There are a few people in my class that i talk about my personl life too.. there's only 3 of them, to be specific, Grace, Adriana and Marianne. I guess because they tell me their stuff too and i feel like i can trust them, well, theyknow this site, so if you're reading this.. (Hi!), but anyway, apart from that, i don't really talk about other stuff with other people in school. Most of the conversations i engage in are casual and well, i like to joke alot though. So, i usually talk to older people and i like talkin about politics, work, relationships, life and stuff like that. I guess hearing their points of view and  experiences are interesting, cuz i get to learn about different aspects of life and that's cool. I ca'nt talk about stuff like that to younger people, cuz they haven't experienced all those stuff! But i'm glad i have like 3 groups of friends. There's the ones from my secondary school and primary school that i'm kinda close too, there's the ones from college and there's the older people. U know, i think i talked alot about my personal life hear today *grins* but i'm not exclusively dating anyone at the moment, i guess i'm just keepin my options open, that's all. Nothing wrong with that huh?

I've saved almost around $800. That's not enough to do the album though. I need atleast $1200. I'm saving like hell though. I decided that i'll bring bread to school and save on recess cash. i get $7 a day and i can save that if i control my mouth a bit. But annoyingly, the food in my school is so good.. i had a chicken cutlet today and it was fab. i actually missed my school food in the holidays. By the way, i'm still sick.. i was really bad a few days ago.. abd i was bad yesterday too.. but i went to school as i don't wanna miss lessons. The work will just keep piling up if i don't do anything. Damn.. its' 2:45 now.. i was supposed to stop writing at 2:30 and start work. Ok, i better stop now. Well, i 'm gonna get on with my work and i'll write a message soon. I will.. as i have loads to tell ya'll. Thanks for reading :)


8/1/2003 - Wednesday
3:11 A.M.

Hey everyone! My first message for the new year! Well, its' been a very tiring new year for me.. and painful. Well, i was sick with a flu all through Christmas and i had a relapse on the New Year.. and the only good thing happened to me on New Year's Eve was the ability to watch 8MM.. one of my all-time favourite movies. Then, i took a sicky for 2 days and rested on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and guess what happened yesterday? I puked and had dihhorea! I ate something from this shop and it was bad.. i never ever gonna buy anything from that shop again! I'm listening to Jay Z's Bonnie & Clyde.. i love it. School's started and so far, it's been cool. I mean, i like seeing my friends again. Though, yesterday i felt really really bad as my tummy was aching and i had to rush to the loo a few times.Even just now, i've gone to the loo like 3 times. yup, i know what you're thinking.. pretty screwed-up body.. Well, i decided that i'm gonna start dating again. I mean, the only reason i stopped the last time was because i wasn't meeting anybody i distintly liked or stuff.. and because i had exams.. but now i think i could do with some bham bham in my life.. *winks*.. No.. NO, i'm not talkin about that! I mean, just some romance or stuff. Well, i'll just keep my options open though. I have loads of school worl to do.. which i will do (later) or in the weekend.. and i intend to watch The Ring with my pals this week.. it's a totally spooky show, but i think it's great.

I came back from school today at like 4 and i slept at 5:30 and i woke up at 12Am. I've gotta get dressed for school st 5.. but i'm gonna start studying soon. So far, the album is going well. It's still in the being manufactured and i will be givin a few away, in some new contests that are gonna be put up. A Whole new image for the site is definately gonna come up, to go with the new album. So, stay put and you'll see. Anyway, i've been writing songs and i'm very glad.. as i stopped writing for a few months due to workin on the album and on Shut Up and my Aus trip, but i think it's good that i am starting to write again, after the break. Well, the latest song i wrote is called, Bow To You (Wherever You Are) and it's very reflective, yet personal. It's slow and a little gothic. i will put up the lyrics soon, don't worry. I gotta go now, cuz i have got homework to do. So, i'll write in tomorrow or later ok?

See ya!