31 December - Friday
8:14 P.M.

Goodbye 2004, Hello 2005

So, this is it. I'm sitting at the edge of 2004 and 2005 is just hours away. I'm nervous, but excited. I mean, this year was a roller coaster ride, but now when I think back, I've grown alot this year - thanks to all the drama that unfolded in the beginning of the year and also the experiences that I went through getting over it, shifting my mindset and adjusting to a whole new different routine. A new name, a new lifestyle, a new house, new responsibilities and consequences - this year was full of all things new - but above all, I've grown to understand the old me, let my guard down when necessary, ease up a bit, take a few risks and love the new me.

And as I struggled to find out what sorta me I was comfortable with, I realized that I didn't need to. I will always be me and this me would only develop but will never change. To my family and my friends who helped me so much this year, I love you all to bits.

So, this is it. Goodbye 2004, hello 2005.

See you next year :)

Love, Steve Andre.

25 December - Saturday
12:27 P.M.

Merry Christmas!

So, it's finally here. Christmas 2004. What a crazy year but what a beautiful day :) I had a fantastic Christmas Eve - having coffee and cake with Rohai and Kelvin and just talking about the craziest things in the world. And later, I'll be attending a little gathering at Marque's place for dinner and drinks. I feel at ease mentally and I guess that's why I'm feeling so positive.
Well, I'm gonna be off now - to cuddle & squeeze Orion for all that fat cat is worth :)

Steve

22 December - Wednesday
5:11 P.M.

New Found Freedom

3 days to Christmas and finally everything is falling in place. I feel like I've finally come to terms with myself. Yes, I do over-think and over-analyze things once in a while and perhaps for the past 2-3 weeks, I've been letting it go out of control, with over thinking every single detail in my life. But does it really help? It's just unnecessary stuff for my head to worry about.

This week, I closed 2 chapters in my life. I finally felt liberated and I can start 2005 with a brand new slate. Before this year, I was so sure of myself and all that I represented, but alot has happened this year and I wouldn't say i've changed, but I've developed. I won't change and what I go through would always be just facets of me, but I will essentially be the same. I will never change and, as I grow older, I'm gonna face new phases and go through different things - but it's just gonna be the icing on the cake.

I was afraid that I've changed - but then I realized that I've always been the same and things will change, but I'll always be the same inside. And perhaps I'll never be able to justify my actions based on what I feel now, but you know what, I don't care :)

We constantly think about the relationships in our lives - our friends, family and the people around us. But I realized that of all the relationships I have, the most special one is the one I have with myself. And as the new year comes, as much as I'm gonna celebrate the relationships I have with my family and friends, I'm also gonna celebrate the relationship I have with myself, the one relationship that I know, will last forever.

To this new phase with myself: Bring it on.

Steve.

16 December - Thursday

The clouds mourn the death of
the meliorist.
How they moan and cry.
The monarch, the jester,
the court, the keeper,
are all one.
He said his piece,
He's done his deed,
And he's dead.
The meliorist.

I have to admit - for the past few weeks, I've been in total denial of the fact that I'm moving. "Just forget about it - maybe it's just a nightmare that would eventually end". Well, I think it's time for to accept that it's true. Yes, I'm moving. Why is it that denial is such a comfortable cushion? Perhaps it's something that I'm used to? Chose what you accept and deny the rest? I should get involved in it - why don't I feel so passionate about it, like the rest? I don't know - I guess it's the idea of leaving this place. I'm gonna miss the walks home, the cats - Burmese, Skinny Burmese, Greedy, Tiny and tiny's unnamed kittens, the cat with 3 paws, the 600 glow-in-the-dark constellations on my ceiling, the memories - my friends, me, my family.. etc.

It's just nostalgic. I never thought we'd move, but now it's all confirmed. Ironic that a few months back, I was ready to move to New York, but her I am makin a fuss about just moving about 15 minutes (by car) from my present house. Well, this is it. I'm moving. I'm moving.

Steve

05 December - Sunday
8:03 P.M.

Finally

This week was crazy - ok, not physically, but just the stuff that went on in my head. After the confrontation I had with my brother and dad, I realized how much I actually believed in my ideals, beliefs and thoughts. So this is it. This is me. If it didn't happen that day, it would have happened next week, next month or even next year. It was bound to happen one day atleast. It did make me realize that, everyone in the family is different and we basically have our own set of values that govern our actions. They just wanted to understand me, ok, atleast try to understand me. Maybe I'm just in my world too much that I forget about the people that I care about and who care about me too.

I can't remember when was the last time I felt comfortable in my skin, but today, I finally felt like this is me. Fuck the past. Stop over thinking about the tiny details. Life is all about the experiences and so what if not all of them were perfect, life is not about being perfect. Yesterday, when I was walking out of my SAT exam (which didn't go as well as I wanted it to..), everything flooded my mind. Just about every single thing that could enter my mind, did. And in that moment, I was suddenly transported to this wilderness that I myself couldn't recognize. Why am I over thinking every sodding thing and being oblivious to what is going on now, when the past is long gone?

This week's gonna be boring and totally un-exciting. But you know what, I actually want it like that. I have no plans and I intend to just do SAT problems on a daily basis.

So, the house is sold and my days here are numbered. I can't believe that I'm actually gonna live somewhere else but here. All my memories of living somewhere was this house. This was home and I thought it would always be. As much as I hate changes, this year was full of them and I got used to it, so this would be nothing in 4 months or so.

Well, I'll be writing in soon, since i'll be quite free considering that my close friends are all going overseas in Dec :) Take care babes.

Steve.

26 November - Friday
2:34 P.M.

The ways of the court
Will not force me to aquire
This conspiracy,
My only chance for salvation.
I have nothing left and
Risk is of no consequence.
This will not weaken the monarchy
This will not weaken me.

Steve Andre

24 November - Wednesday
12:52 A.M.

I deplore this existential existence
What is my function?
What is my purpose!
What can suppress
this jolt of anxiety?
Increase, release
flummoxed disease.
I refuse to make sense
of this jargon.
I refuse.

Steve Andre.

22 November - Monday
7:53 P.M.

The Third Party

I never really got this third party brouhaha. So, if you're sleeping with someone who is technically attached, what does that make you? Or if you have feelings for this person, who mutually reciprocates emotionally and physically, is there a place or politically correct term for you?

Is this world, people say they only want one thing, love. Well, most of them end up wanting sex, money, cars, jobs, etc. in their pursuit of love. But who am I to judge? It's not like I've got a clean slate to put forward. In our pursuit of love, do we forget the mechanics of it? Or have we become so selfish that we don't bother whose toes we're stepping on? Or maybe, you could fall in love with two people?

Life itself is so complex, minus the love and romance (or in my case, the lack of it) how can love or the dynamics of it be really understood? As much as you want it so bad, you are willing to share, which seems a bit ironic. You either want it so bad, that you'd settle for the least you could get, or you are totally comfortable with someone else's fingerprints on your peaches. Perhaps it's due to the difficulty of actually finding someone. I mean, once you actually find someone who you have some chemistry with, you don't wanna let go. It's the fear of not finding someone else. Or it's also the hope that he/she would leave his/her partner for you. hrm.....

Why do we put ourselves through this pain? okay, so some of us are a little sadomasochistic (anyone else raising their hands apart from me?) For others, it's wanting something that they know they cannot have (or for long). Or sometimes, it's really the feeling. What do you do if you like 2 people? Or if the person you're seeing is already attached? Sometimes our hearts tell us one thing and our minds tell us something else. Finding a balance between the two, can be a bit impossible at times. Everybody screws up and screwing up is just part of our nature.

I decided to ask around what people would call this "third person", since there is no specific term used to describe this third party, and here's what I got:

1) The Slut
2) The shameless slut
3) The cheater
4) Cheap!
5) The go-getter
6) A gooseberry sandwich! (don't ask me what's this supposed to mean)
7) "A lot of uncensored stuff"
8) A Prasad? (Very funny)
9) A whore!
10) Husband stealer
11) Filthy skank whore (okay, we get the point..)
12) Third Party (okay, wasn't this the question?)
13) Playboy
14) Mistress
15) For a guy, an opportunist. For a girl, bitch
16) An asshole!
17) Nothing nice, obviously
18) Someone who knows what he wants

Okay, of all the responses I got, only 2 had a positive connotation, the go-getter and someone who knows what he wants. The rest basically found the third party a revolting (fill in with any of the above). So, why is our impression of the third party so negative? What if the third party didn't know that the person he was seeing was actually with someone else? Or what if he/she just couldn't control their feelings and emotions? I'm not condoning it or anything, as i do believe in a true relationship between two people and I bet a few of you out there are smirking with a "really?". But yes, despite being jaded this past year or so, I still have the same opinions I had before regarding relationships.

I decided to write about this because (no, i'm not in a third party relationship, I bet much to your disappointment. I think I have enough drama as it is) we are very quick to judge people who are in these relationships. And we always tend to pass judgments without even realizing what's really going on. These people are people, just like us. People who are ruled by emotions, just like us. So, if they are sluts, aren't we sluts too?

Steve

18 November - Thursday
6:11 P.M.

My Christmas Wish List

1) 60 GB Ipod
2) inMotion iM3
3) iPod Remote & Earbuds
4) Belkin Media Reader
5) Griffin iTalk voice recorder
6) ipod Clip case
7) ipod Dock
8) iMac G5
9) Swatch Bijoux "Greekagain" Matt Silver Ring
10) FOSSIL Philippe Starck Sand Digital or Steel Watch
11) FULL DVD Seasons of Sex & The City, Absolutely Fabulous, Queer As Folk (USA), Will & Grace
12) Digital Camera

Well, I thought i'd cook up a Christmas wish list early, so if any of my friends intend to get me anything, they'd know what I'd want in my stocking :P

Steve

16 November - Tuesday
12:59 A.M.

I Want You

I don't have to feel guilty
I don't have to get over you
And I know I won't,
As I don't want to either.

I want you,
I want you,
I want you.

Steve.

12 November - Friday
8:47 A.M.

Happy Diwali

As the gods fought for light over darkness centuries ago, and as Hindus and everyone else celebrate the festival of lights, I feel that, to an extent, we are still fighting for the victory of light over darkness, in every spectrum of the world.

Sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do - perhaps I really do think with my dick? I feel like there's this war of idealism vs realism in me. But I will always be idealistic, to an extent. That's just who I am and essential to my being. A cell of idealism could probably be found in every atom of my body. I miss so much of the past - someone in the past, to be more precise. But anyway...

Steve.

08 November - Monday
10:12 P.M.

I'm calling it quits,
I'm exiting this scene,
I'm taking my leave,
Don't call me weak.
I'm holding my flag,
and it's not with contempt.
It's time to move on,
It's not been much help.

I can't wait for the hols to start - from Wednesday to next Monday. It's gonna be crazy. I intend to have a fucking good time! And yes, I think I deserve it! Work has been hectic, but I've been trying to deal. I think I've almost mastered the whole trying to do 1001 things at the same time - or pretending to do 1001 things at the same time, whatever :)

I did my SAT's last Saturday and although I don't think I'd do a fantastic job, it felt good. It felt nostalgic, sitting there and having a teacher tell you the instructions and time to start. Crazy enough, I think I am missing school, well, to a certain extent. I felt different that morning, there was this sudden surge of energy in me - I suddenly felt motivated and I just wanted to do the exam and do it well, and believe me, I don't think I ever felt that when I was even in school. Well, I intend to prepare for my next one, which is in December and I also have another one in January.

Well, I outta go now, kinda shagged and I wanna catch some shows on TV. Oh, and here's a little preview of my new photo shoot:

Steve

03 November - Wednesday
7:34 P.M.

They beckon me to come.
At dawn, I pray
by the sanctuary,
while the Siamese poets
deride their indigence.
The temple was the altar,
the floor; the heavens.
I have died over and over
but I have never lived.

A few things I learnt about acting:

1) When the director says good, it doesn't necessarily mean that the scene turned out good. And when he wants to do another take of it, it's because he "just wants to".

2) When the call time is 8pm, that means the filming will start at 10pm.

3) Don't ever piss off the make-up artist.

4) Reading the script before filming starts would actually help.

:)
 

Steve.

30 October - Saturday
2:03 P.M.

Good boys go to heaven, bad boys go to Amsterdam!

The Songs page is finally working fine :) I managed to get the songs ALL uploaded. So, go download the songs from my album, "Go Figure". I intend to do more updates, but gradually, due to work and time constraint, but you can expect some new stuff very soon :)

Orion's Birthday was ok - could have been better if the fucking cake shop actually delivered the correct cake! I did call them the next day to make an inquiry about that and I wasn't intending to make a fuss, but after their indignant replies, I decided that I would make a fuss, hell yeah. So, I sent the rest of the cake back and the shop sent it to their production side to investigate. I ordered a Veggie Chocolate Mousse cake, which is a Chocolate Mousse cake with no eggs. However, I was delivered a Veggie Chocolate. And the cake we got had no mousse and it was basically sponge and cream. Obviously, there wouldn't be any mousse as we were delivered the wrong cake! I was annoyed because, it's basically the principle. I should get what I ordered. And if they offered to send the correct cake when I called, I would have settled there. But the woman on the line kept repeating that the Veggie Chocolate and the Veggie Chocolate Mousse was the same, and i was like, "Well, how was I to fucking believe you if the cakes taste totally different"? So, I decided to go all the way and send the cake back. And if they don't do anything - I decided that I'll be writing a commentary to the forum section in the newspapers, and I don't think it would be a very pleasant one.

Work this week has been crazy - but I was able to hold up because I was waiting for today. Saturday! I'm having dinner with Serene and Rohai later at Coca Steamboat at Takashimaya. Yesterday, I met Adrianna at the bar and I went mainly to support her as she was part of the backstage production of this event and it was great. The set was great - the music was very chill out and after the competition was over - they played really good hip hop music and we hit the dance floor and I can't remember when was the last time I danced like that. It brought back loads of memories from prom, but yeah :)

Yesterday, I got a call from my friend, Matthew and he wanted me to star in this local television production, called Singapore Shakes. I thought I would have to audition, but when the director saw me, he told Matthew that he wanted me to do the part :) So, I'm quite thrilled about that. I was at the set yesterday, but my scene was pushed to another day, as they have been working for 16 hours straight. So, I guess I'll be starring in Singapore's version of Winter's Tale. It would air in about 2 weeks time, I think, but i'll put more information up here when more details are confirmed :)

Well, gotta go now :)

Steve.

28 October - Thursday
8:17 P.M.

Happy Birthday Orion :)

To the cutest, fluffiest, laziest and most squeezable cat in the world, Happy Birthday :) I can't imagine how we actually went through life without you 2 years ago. You have brightened up the house in so many ways and have brought us so much closer. To the youngest child in the family, happy 2 years :)

Steve.

26 October - Tuesday
8:56 P.M.

What!?

Okay, my English is deteriorating! Today, I asked my boss "What time shall I search for you?" Search for you? And he actually corrected me. I was appalled. (Okay, a little at the fact that he was correcting me, when it's usually me correcting him and mostly due to the fact that, that line slipped out. I don't think I've ever made such verbal mistakes before.. urgh.

Steve.

25 October - Monday
10:10 P.M.

As I plead and I beg,
This sacrilegious moment
seems almost diminutive
I have graced the alleys and lanes before
But for this, I am afraid
This moment, timeless it may be
Is just one of the many.
Please.

I received a package in the mail today - the usual brownish paper bag envelope - and it ended up being the magazine that I wrote an article for like a month ago. I decided to subscribe to it as, I wanted to support the organization and I honestly thought that the material was intelligent, witty and entertaining. So, i was flipping through the pages of the mag and suddenly, I saw my article! I was like, "What?!" I thought I missed it, as I assumed that it was printed in the last issue. It was so overwhelming! To just see the article and to think about the fact that thousands out there were probably reading it (and hopefully liking it). I don't know - in that moment, I felt motivated. I worked really hard on that article and I guess just seeing it out in print itself was good enough. I guess this day couldn't get any better :)

Orion's gonna be 2 this Thursday :) Can't wait! We're planning a surprise party for him, and getting a big chocolate mousse cake.

Well, gotta run. bye!

Steve.

24 October - Sunday
4:39 P.M.

From the shores of Cyprus
As I lay down by the beach
and all I can think of is you.
From the skies of Honduras,
As I scale the mountains,
And all I want to look at
is you.

I watched De-Lovely that day and it was fantastic. I think I can put it on par with The Hours, okay, maybe not. I still feel that The Hours is better :P I thought De-Lovely's ending was a tad bit abrupt though. It ended with death. Ok, as much as everything in the real world does, the movie didn't really show a life after the death, or atleast, even a promise. I mean, my life's bleak enough! Maybe it was supposed to be that way? But it did transport me to a world - where I did forget about everything in my world - kudos to the movie for that.
Alanis Morissette, Diana Krall, Robbie Williams & other singers join the cast in really making this film very original.

I feel like everything's a mess - I'm procrastinating in everything. My SAT's are in 2 weeks and I have loads of studying to do. Work is a bit messy - I'm not even gonna go there. And then there's the moving and granny being in the hospital, etc. Sometimes I ask myself if I really believe in divine intervention? All my life, I was never really superstitious. I never did understand that whole, you had to cut your nails only after the sun set thing, the not walking under the ladder thing and the infamous, not taking a picture of 3 people in it thing. I don't know - I just feel like life's is too short to worry about these things. I mean, there is probably a gray area between superstition and reality, but how far do you go in appropriating it into your life and worst still, taking it as gospel truth?

Am I asking for too much, but then sometimes I feel like I deserve it. I'm tired of failed relationships and attempts. It's just too much (wasted) energy.

Steve.

20 October - Wednesday
11:07 P.M.

Adrianna's Birthday

I had quite a blast last week - with my self-proclaimed holiday and with Adrianna's Birthday. What do you get when you put 2 cam whores together? Well, you just get twice the amount of pictures! It was fun - to catch up with her and Dewi - and on Wednesday, Rohai came over and on Thursday, Joanna stopped over to watch The Hours and snack - these are the people that make my daily life bearable, with the usual drama and gossip. What can I say, my friends and I have alot in common :) Here's a snap I took from Adri's get-together:

I'm planning to do a whole new website - with a brand new format - hopefully, I'll have the time and patience to accomplish that. But when I do - It's gonna be loaded with pictures :) Anyway, gotta go.

Steve.

11 October - Monday
9:16 A.M.

The Anarchist

This is my fourth day in the hospital - urgh. Okay, it's not been hell or anything but I just wanna get out. I have an ultrasound scan of my liver this afternoon and if the results are ok, I would probably be discharged. Or, they would just wait till Tuesday morning and discharge me. Which is what I don't understand. What am I doing here?

I feel like I've been transported to a total different plane - the atmosphere's depressing - but I'm trying to deal. Because of all this drama, Adri's Birthday dinner thing had to be postponed to this weekend. And yes, I don't think I would be getting a severe gastric attack and get myself warded in a hospital again, so I guess everything would probably go on as planned this weekend.

When I first realized that I had to stay here for more than a day, the first thing that struck my mind was my schedule. I have loads of things to take care off. Perhaps, this was fate's way of telling me to slow down and take a break? Well Fate, I would have much preferred a migraine :P

Steve.

10 October - Sunday
 

You

You,
Were tall, hard nosed and
Shiny forehead,
Big hands, eyes that never
looked into mine
She said it would be a fire -
or the fire in your heart.

You,
Were tall, nice smile and
Wavy haired,
Big hands, arms that could
be loved, but not for long
He said I could do much better,
And I saw it as you walked.

You,
Were tall, dark eyed and
red lips,
Big hands, a stare that
looked on, but with no vendetta
All you said were a few words,
But that was all I needed to hear.

You

The charade was a blast - every morning he put on his mask and made it to the town fair. It was bliss. The woman who sold the blueberry currants was there, Little Jim, Crisp the Clown and of course, the County Go-Go Girls. The tent was huge - it stretched from the left side of the brook to Barrymouth lane. He loved going from one stall to another - saying 'gooday' to the familiar faces. How do they keep that smile all day? Was it the crowd? Or was it the money?

And so he sat, with all his idiosyncrasies, quirks and past failures. And now you're telling me to drift away from my friends, the ones who I have found solace in for the past few years?

And now you're judging them based on what you "know" and from what you "think" you understand?

And you're worried and afraid that i'll be judged?

I'll be judged??

We're all judged. Everyday of my life - I have been judged, judged for not conforming, for not being like everyone, judged for just being myself. I have been scoffed at for my aspirations, belittled for my views, ridiculed for my individuality, but at the end of the day - this is me. And I've come this far, that I'm ready for anything else that might come along. As much as you don't want people to judge you based on stereotypes, what makes you so special to do so otherwise?

It looked like a cabaret. There was a whole show put up - and I was the only one who thought that everything was real. It wasn't'. You will never understand. And I thought I did, but I didn't. And now I know.

All my life - I thought that there would be hope - that someday, there might even be a chance. All of a sudden, I just felt stuck. I took some risks this year - purely because, for the past 2 years - I sacrificed that aspect of my life due to school, music and fear. Fear of what, you say? I still don't know. Or maybe I do. Hmmm. But I finally felt like myself.

People are people. Am I the only one who sees that? Don't we all have the same blood flowing through our veins? Don't we all have mothers and fathers too? So why this classification and labeling?

You will never understand. I wish I could understand - You.

I guess what disgusted me the most was not the instruction to keep away but the fact that, that notion actually crossed your mind. And the basis for that notion? Because it's wrong.

"There's a right and wrong and we are worried about you"

What is right and wrong anyway?

I never was able to classify exactly what is right or wrong, as my views are very different - and as much as you want to say that I'm naive or "young" and "innocent" to know how all "this" works - I have my own views. And I'm sure.

Steve.

02 October - Saturday
4:17 A.M.

Le Plan!

I just made a pact with myself - on my 25th birthday, I would wanna celebrate it in Paris. I don't know why - but I wanna be in Paris for that. Don't know if I can get my friends to follow - or maybe just 1 or 2 special people - but no matter what, I want it in Paris.

This week was an eye opener - I got alot of things figured out, my goals reestablished and my faith restored. The past 8 months have been crazy - too crazy to describe - but I think I can handle it. And for once, I feel like I have control of what I'm feeling.

Well, I'm gonna start studying this week, as my SAT's are next Saturday and I really wanna get a good score. I don't think I would have enough time to write entries - but I'll write down my thoughts on pieces of paper and transfer them to the site on the Weekends or on days when I'm free.

Anyway, I've gotta go.

Nite'

Steve.

29 September - Wednesday
2:54 P.M.

A Grande Please?

Sometimes I feel like I'm running most of the time in my life - I'm always running for the bus, train, appointments, taxis etc. and the running never stops. And I don't know why I do that, as when I do get on the bus, I'm usually all sweaty and i'll feel really uncomfy for the whole ride. I did run into a few relationships before, and I tripped and I think I even broke a leg in one. But it healed and I started walking again. I ran into other things - school, decisions - and I stumbled a few times more. Maybe for once, I should just miss the bus and wait. Maybe, the next one that comes would be less crowded and the ride would perhaps, be better.

As much as I want to do things - accomplish the goals that I've envisioned since ever - I do want to sit down once in a while, take a break and have a coffee. Sometimes perhaps we take things that go around us too seriously. And as much as I might not like what's going on or might go on, a lot of things that happen around me are transient and I guess I shouldn't worry myself too much with the details.

Marque is leaving for the UK in a week or so and it's funny how when we first got to know each other, we were friends but not really that close. In the last few weeks, we have become closer and it's ironic that it has to be so late - when he's about to leave. I remember that he was the one who introduced me to the clubbing scene and to alot of his friends and we did have quite a few unforgettable  times. Last Saturday we went clubbing and it was a bomb. Apart from the usual drama, we did have a good time and it brought back loads of memories of the first time he brought me to the clubs. And in this one year plus, I realized that as much as I have changed, I actually haven't. I was still the same me that night, and although I am tired (yes, I know, I'm 19 and I'm tired?) of the clubbing scene, that night was exceptional. Marque might never come back and I guess I might never go again to these places that he introduced me to, as he knew the people there and it was easy for me to get used to the place and people since Marque was the bridge. It felt nostalgic. To me, it signified an end of an era.

Steve.

27 September - Monday
2:43 A.M.

My Type?

People keep asking me what's "my type" is and when an acquaintance asked me that last Wednesday, I casually replied that to me, It was important for the person to be able to communicate in good English. It doesn't have to be Victorian English or anything, but good enough for me to understand. It's just that I grew up in an environment where we spoke English all the time and to me, that's the only language I'm very comfortable using. And the reply was, "So you'd go with anyone who spoke good English?"

And then, I thought about it. What is "my type"? What do I find appealing in someone? Okay, so apart from the good English factor, I'll have to be physically attracted to the person - so the person's gotta be cute, in my perspective. Not too tall or too short, around my height or whatever's fine. Intelligent - someone who can basically hold a conversation. I don't always talk about music and movies and it would be nice to talk about different things once in a while, and with someone who's equipped with the general knowledge of how things work. I don't really dig smoke, so I guess someone who doesn't smoke would be better. And of course, a sense of humor. And I guess that's it.

I realized that when they asked me what "my type" was, they were probably thinking of factors like age or race. But I guess, to me, when I first look at someone, it's not the age or race that I care about, so I don't see why that should be a factor in determining what "my type" is.

Steve

25 September - Saturday
2:30 A.M.

The Condemned

For the last few weeks -I've been feeling really drained and lazy mentally - I know I want to study and I want to do my SAT's all over and get good grades. But then, there's this whole monotony and stagnant feeling that I've been feeling. I know this is gonna last for another 1 year and 8 months (and by this, I mean the Army) and I know I have all this time to use - but i think what's really bothering me is what this past 8 months has already done to me. I don't think anything else has ever changed me so much as this. I always told myself that I'm not gonna change or allow them to change me, but looks like some of my perceptions of things have changed and I guess it is inevitable. I found out how things go on - really - at work. I guess it's not about just doing your work but the impression that you're giving and although it's against my principals, I have to play this game - this game of impression making. I'll have to act and put on this show - not like as if I've not been doing that all my life. Sometimes I feel like this whole world's a circus. The thing is that I never had these sort of perceptions before. I never felt jaded or anything but now, I guess I have an impression of how this works. My boss told me that day that the world was unfair, but I told him that maybe the world is, but it's just that you're making it unfair. I mean, as much as things don't go our way, they do go our way sometimes and I guess it's just how we view it.

Well, work is getting better. It hit rock bottom that day with this whole misunderstanding I had with my boss and this SMS war we had and not forgetting the whole talk about impression making. Well, I think I'm learning this game well and I'm just gonna have to play it for the next 1 year and 8 months. I guess I know that I don't like corporate jobs. Okay, so a 9-5 job gives you constancy, but if i did this for 15 years, I'm not sure how i would really feel about the job, to begin with. I think it would kill me. As much as i like some sort of constancy, I like change in other ways - I wanna explore this world, there's so much to discover and learn. I did quite alot of stuff at work yesterday - changed the labels on the cabinets, administrative stuff and I was doing work till like 8 pm and I left at like 9:40 pm or so. But when I left, I felt better than I've felt leaving work the past few days. I guess it's because things are getting better at work and now I'm just gonna make sure that I don't make any stupid mistakes and that I make sure the impression they have of me, is the impression I'd want them to have of me.

But enough about work.

Every year, my parents go on this "I wanna move, hey shall we move?" mood and it usually starts with the browsing in the newspaper classifieds and then, actually visiting the houses and lastly, discussing about loans and stuff and finally, dropping the subject altogether and getting on with the usual monotony. But somehow, this year, it has gone a bit too far. Today, my house (Oh wait, my Dad's house) was put on the market and we (oh wait, they) just had some potential buyers who came and saw the house and well, I didn't expect it to come this far. I never thought we'd actually leave this house. I remember when we first came, i loved this place and my feelings haven't changed for the past 8 years. I still love this place with all it's facilities and with all the memories. I lived my teen years here and this was where alot of the "first time's" have happened. I'm gonna miss this place alot and the thought of actually leaving it is depressing - but I guess, hey, they want to move and I guess I don't really have much of a say.

This new place that they saw is a 3 storey place at Loyang Villa's. It's a private property and my parents seem quite excited about going there. I don't know, I haven't even seen the place and they wanna bring me there to check the place out, because they want the decision to be a family one. What was that again? A family decision? hrm... Sounds extremely new to me.

Things are just changing so quickly - sometimes I feel like I need to hold on to a grip somewhere. I so miss the times when I was in school now. When Joanna, Adri, Su, Dewi & Rohai and everybody else were there and everything was just fun. Anyway, things can never be the same forever, I guess.

Well, I decided that in this new house - my room's gonna be my way. I'm gonna design it and chose the furniture that I want. I'm not gonna have some fucked up crap furniture in my room. Anyway, enough about the house, or should I say, houses.

I finished my first article as a freelance writer - I think I mentioned that before already? And now my editor is quite interested in giving me another article to work on. I suggested doing something about relationships and he seems quite keen. I mean, i think a topic like that would really appeal to a wide audience as alot of people go through problems or whatever in relationships and since it's a universal theme, I thought it would be good to write about that in relation to the theme my editor gave to me. So, yeah, i'm actually enjoying this writing thing, which I never really expected. I just thought I would try something extra to perhaps earn some money so that I can pay my dad.

I was thinking about it though - I can't be writing articles, studying for my A'levels and my SAT's and still go to work 9-5 everyday. I decided that this would be the last article I'll write for now. I'll just tell my editor that I'll have to concentrate on my studies. And I'm gonna come up with a schedule to plan how i'm going to spend my time - it's basically gonna be between gym and studying. And although for the past few weeks or so, i've been so disillusioned with what I'm gonna do or what I feel - I feel it now. And I know what I'm gonna do.

And to all of you who think that i've forgotten about the music, let me just assure you that I haven't. I'll always be a singer and one day, it will happen, I know. As much i feel like I might not get the chances that I got before, I know i'm just gonna work twice as hard as I did before and make sure it happens. I have made mistakes and I have done things I wish i never remembered but nothing is going to change what I want in life. Nothing.

Nothing.

Steve.

22 September - Wednesday
4:28 A.M.

Me

So here I am, with all my mistakes, moods and foolish behavior - but this is who I am. Okay, so this year, I got a little carried away - i'm not going to name the events but those who know me, know what I'm talking about. And yes, I've made mistakes - but I'm not gonna let that get the best of me. I'll always be me. And i'm not throwing my values outta the window - regardless of how much you want me to.

I've tried so hard - to stay in this dark cave, to sacrifice my personal fulfillment and it never really got me far anyway. Okay, so the word is going around and yes, the thought of it scares me. I wanna keep it all to myself but then, at the end of the day, all i have is, myself. Maybe I just have to accept that this is part of me - and for everything else - they just have to get used to it. This is me.

So, I'm on medical leave again today - and I guess you're going, "I'm surprised"? I know i have these aims - i wanna study, i wanna get the music going but i feel so disillusioned. I had everything planned and the classes got fucked and now i'm really not sure what to do. Can i self study till the second year classes start?

I just wish that this all ended soon. I know when it does, i'd probably go, "whew, that wasn't too long". But well, it just feels so endless now. Sometimes I feel like I have this vision that's far from reality - bigger than this place, this country, this everything - I just wanna break free.

Steve.

19 September - Sunday
10:10 P.M.

Pardon My Silence

Things have been getting on better for me, I guess. Apart from the constant pain that i feel on my tonsils, I guess everything else is fine :) I was on medical leave from Wednesday to Friday this week and i managed to use that time to get the rest that i guess, i really needed. I also used that time to reflect on things in my life and do the things that i've always wanted to do - but couldn't do due to commitments from work. Did I mention that I'm a freelance writer for a magazine now? Well, since i do have free time once in a while, i decided that i should write and yeah, try to get paid for it too! Well, my first assignment was regarding the Singapore Arts Museum and i had to conduct an interview and i had to write an article in the range of about 800-1000 words.

At one time in my life previously, I thought being a journalist would be a good career prospective and "journalist" was always my cover to tell people what I wanted to be, to avoid the "Huh?" look on their faces if I actually did say singer. But after doing the research, the interviews and actually writing it, i realized that i enjoyed it. The thought of people reading what i have to say is actually quite scary - seriously, I'm not even sure if anyone is reading this too, considering the almost zero promotion that I'm doing for this web site and my music generally. So, I was thinking of saying yes to more assignments - if the editor does give me some more and yeah, use the time I have in a useful way.

So hopefully, things go on the same way, but as we know, my life always gets fucked up one way or another, so let's just wait for the brouhaha :)

Anyway, I should probably go :) So, i'll see ya.

Steve.

11 September - Saturday
12:43 A.M.

This Day

With all that has been happening around the whole in the past 2 weeks - the 2 plane crashes in Russia, earthquakes & typhoons in Japan, typhoons and heavy rains in China and Taiwan, the hurricane problem in Florida, Barbados and Jamaica, the siege of 1000+ people in the Russian school in Beslan and the car bomb that exploded in Jakarta - I think we need to reflect on what's going on in our world, today. There will always be tragedies, and un-called for incidents but i guess in such uncertain times like these, we need to be grateful for the people that we have around us, the ones that we love and cherish - our families and friends. It's easy to blame all the problems on terror organizations, politicians and god, but i think before we blame other people, we need to look at ourselves. Life is too short to worry about trivial things. Sometimes, constancy can be a blessing.

I remember when it happened today, 3 years ago - I was studying for my History final and I just couldn't believe it. I was watching the television and the more i watched, the more it seemed so surreal. Even when i was reading the newspaper article about the seige in the school in Beslan, i just couldn't understand it. How can someone have the heart to kill or even hurt a child? Before - what happened in the news used to bother me alot - I used to think, why? Why this person? Why this place? Why this time? Why? And for what? But now I guess, I try not to bother anymore and i try to look at my life at a more micro level.

I watched "Big Fish" and "Dancer In The Dark" today - both of which were really good movies. After watching "Big Fish", I started to think about how jaded we are nowadays, I mean generally. People are concerned about working, earning, saving and so many other things, but what about living? I mean, if life was just a nine to five job, gym on Saturday and Sunday and spas and massages every fortnight, how much of a living can that possibly me? A life like that would be like being reduced to a mere machine. I feel like we lose the ability to dream when we get older. We question less, we try to explain everything - things must make sense or either have a logical explanation to back it up - but what about dreams, myths and tales? What about those little wonders that you used to wonder about when you were young?

I remember when I was young, I used to keep asking my dad why there were clouds in the sky. How come they don't fall down? They look so big and is there something holding them? And if there's nothing holding them, how can they stay up there for so long without dropping down? Okay, i was probably 8 and I only started learning science at like 11 or 12. I mean, of course now i know how the clouds get there but i used to wonder. I used to wonder about alot of things - some of which i don't anymore. But why do we do that? We get older, we get jaded and we lose that sense of curiousity and wonder in us.

I wrote a song today - which was quite spontaneous of me - considering how for the last few songs I wrote , i spent quite alot of time planning and piecing the lyrics together. The one I wrote today is called "Anybody Else (Two Years Ago)". It's a love song and I'm the sort that can never write a lovey dovey track but somehow today, I felt like it. And since the last love song i wrote, "Once" was 2 years ago, i decided to add that to the title. Here's the song:

Anybody Else (Two Years Ago)

So many have come
And so many have gone
But it never felt the same
It all ended the last time I saw you

I try to act like I could feel
For someone else
But I’ve tried and I can’t do
It was such a long time ago
But I can remember everything
The first time I saw you
I knew I’d love you
And nobody else could ever be like you.

Chorus:
When every once in a while
It all blanks out, I don’t know why
And I do things that would make
Me forget you
But why should I confuse myself
When I know,
I don’t want anybody else.
I don’t want anybody else.

You’re so far away
And when you’re here
It’s like you never even went away
So many things could have changed
But with you and me,
Time stopped and started
When it suited be.

I never could understand
What I felt but it just felt so good
When everything seemed so right
and looking into your eyes
was all in all delights

Chorus:
When every once in a while
It all blanks out, I don’t know why
And I do things that would make
Me forget you
But why should I confuse myself
When I know,
I don’t want anybody else.
I don’t want anybody else.

I don’t want anybody else
I don’t want anybody else
But you.

I'm quite happy with it - it's very different from the last few songs that I wrote.. At the moment, i'm thinking of another track, "Out Of Character", it's a bit gloomy and nostalgic.

Anyway, I should probably stop as I wanna head off to bed soon :)

'Nite

Steve.

09 September - Wednesday
12:16 P.M.

Dating In Singapore

Dating in Singapore sucks. Since I started dating, which was.. hrm, at 15 or 16, so it's been about 3-4 years ago or so, i got to realize how sucky the dating pool is. 90% of the people I date end up not being from Singapore and even this year, i dated only 1 local person. Ok, I'm not picky when it comes to dating, though there is certain qualities that i'm very particular about. Firstly, the person has gotta be able to speak good english, atleast good enough for me to understand. And that crosses out like at least 70% of the population here. And out of the 30% that's left, most are either already attached or in some pseudo marriage.

People here usually end up dating people who they meet in clubs/bars and from the internet. Most of my friends got to know their boyfriends/girlfriends from the internet. For me though, i've never dated anyone that i've met from a club or bar. Firstly, the people I end up meeting in a club or bar just end up being just the "person from the bar or club". You just meet them there all the time and outside the bar or club, you really don't have much to talk to them about. I don't know about the other people here though but I just find the clubbing scene here very showy. I mean, everyone's so concern about how their are portraying themselves that they forget that going to a club is about dancing and having fun, you know when you're supposed to let loose and not worry about anything at all? I remember how when I went out with a bunch of friends last year to a club in the capital territory, one of my friends actually said something like, "You can dance ok right?" I was like, hrm... despite that being an insult, why is that the matter? When you're in a club, you just dance to relax, you don't have to do a J.Lo. It's just a night out, not a music video. I remember once seeing this guy who had his moved orchestrated and yeah, he was probably a dancer but it was just so strange as it's more like as if he wanted to show that he could dance as compared to dance just to have fun. For me, just sitting down and bopping my head is a dance too. Ok, it doesn't have to be ass jiggling or hip gyrating, but hey, that's how I show that i'm having a nice time. It takes the fun out of the spontaneity of things when the people here are so conscious about their outlook.

Most of the people I've dated were from the internet - and I met someone last week that to a certain extent, allowed me to have an epiphany. Why am I actually even bothered to waste my time on the internet searching for someone that i might possibly have a connection with when the pool of people i have is really nothing much in the first place? I'm not dissing the people here - i'm not saying that they suck or they are bad or anything - but it's just that i find it quite difficult to find someone that I can really click with, on all levels. To have an understanding and to have things in common.

I guess right now, i'm not looking for a relationship. The last thing on my mind is a relationship. Work takes up my time from 9-5 everyday and i have my music/studies to worry about. These are things that i've worked for, for years. And i'm not gonna get just throw that all away for a relationship that might not possibly even last. Right?

Steve.

01 September - Wednesday
8:28 P.M.

Medulla

I've not written stuff in 2 weeks - ok, I won't blame it all on work, though work is a reason, my laziness is probably a better reason to explain my quiet demeanor. Lately, i've been hanging out with all my friends and just catching up. Alot of stuff has been goin on! Joanna's now studying in SIM and her school is directly beside my camp, so that day we met for Sushi :) And we went to Sakae Sushi at Raffles Place. And it brought back loads of memories, as we used to do that almost every week last year, around this time too. Although we were supposed to be studyin, we were either eating or sleeping or doing some other stuff. And I hung out with Dewi that day at Cali - it was good to see her since the last time I did was at the SAJC dance night. And on Monday, I went out for coffee and desert with Marianne. We had coffee at Coffee Bean and had my fave Sticky Date pudding at The Marmalade Pantry. And when Mari and I were walking in, we met the Queen of Vice, Adri! *grins* So it was really cool. Yesterday, I went to visit my school teachers in SJI and it was so cool, meeting my teachers and reminiscing about the times in Secondary school. My sort-of science teacher's getting married and she was showing her rock off :) And after that, Rohai and I went to Tracy's house to see her dogs and we went to Sizzler's to have lunch. So, yeah, I've been a bit busy goin out and about.

I bought Bjork's new album, "Medulla" yesterday and it's fantastic. My fave track is "Oceania", the song she performed at the opening of the Olympics in Athens and "Who is it? (Carry My Joy On The Left, Carry My Pain On The Right)" and "Where Is the Line?" are my other fave tracks. I get the feeling that for this album, she was stripping down the walls and going back to the basics - vocals. And she really manipulates the technique of potraying the vocals is such a way that it embodies the soul of the song - where music takes the back seat or even is unecessary. The vocals are raw, and in some songs quite industrial sounding. "Oceania"'s nostalgic and relaxing at the same time, and whenever I listen to it, I fee l elated - ok, I'm not sure why, but it just does.

Did I mention that I've gotten my stay-out status from camp already? So I just go to work in the morning and I finish at about 5:30 P.M. or so.

I do have more to say but my head is ringing and I'm gonna go and take a rest or something :)

See ya.
Steve.

14 August - Saturday
1:14 A.M.

Me & my screwed up head!

So, what happens after death? Ok, so for some there's the "heaven and hell concept", for others: reincarnation, and most of us, don't really think about it all. We wake up every morning, take that same bus, get our lattes and Cappucinos, go to the same gym at the same time, call our assistants, personal friends etc, but do we really live like that's our very last day? I have thought about it a couple of times, but i can never rule it down. First, it's the physical aspect. Is it painful? Do you feel and immense amount of pain, for a second, and then nothing? Or do you feel nothing? Then, it's the spiritual aspect. What happens? Does the soul linger or does it go somewhere? Personally, I never really believed (or could believe) in the heaven and hell concept as it seems a bit too simplistic. I can somewhat relate to the reincarnation concept, but I'm not sure if i can totally agree to all of it. I mean, I can feel, sense and I'm aware. But when I die, do I feel the same things? Is my conscience alive? I mean, what embodies a human being is all aspects of the individual, the body, mind and soul. So, without the soul, you don't really exist anymore. Right? Is the soul alive? As a soul, would I still think? I mean, these sort of questions scare me. Not because they are no answers, but because they'll never be answers.

It's scary to think that in a second, you can just cease to exist and everything around you and the people around you, can change, and change forever. The idea of death itself doesn't scare me, it's the after that does. What happens after?

Last month, I bought 5 shirts from G2000. When I saw them, I knew I had to have them. Screw the fact that I get a a pittance from the military and screw the fact that I knew I would be broke by the third week (Not like I wouldn't reach that status if I didn't purchase those shirts). So I got them. I travelled to Marine Parade, Orchard, Dhoby Ghaut, Tiong Bahru and to the other outlets to get the right size and shade. And after I got them, it was just that. I really really wanted them, but once I did, I didn't feel significantly happier. I think as I grow, i'm still trying to figure myself out.

I'm trying to think about what really satisfies me. hrm.. I wish I could have that perfect list or perhaps type out the stuff that I know you guys would love to read, like sex and threesomes, but you know what, I don't think those really satisfy me (anymore). If this was my last day, I think I would spend it with family and friends. Screw the Ipod and Digicam that I really wanna buy.

At work, my boss thinks there's something goin on with me and this other girl, Siti.

Boss: So, what's up with you and Siti?
Me: Huh? Nothing. We're just friends.
Boss: Yeah, right.
Me: She already has a boyfriend.
Boss: There's nothing wrong with having two boyfriends.
Me: What? Please! I'm not that sort of person! I'm a good boy.
Boss: You call yourself a boy?
Me: A good guy! I have strict principals.

The moment those words came out of my mouth, I realized how contradictory I sounded. I found having 2 boyfriends taboo, but I'm totally cool with same-sex marriages, threesomes, bisexuality, homosexuality, mixed-marriages, blah blah.. I think I've been having a jaded perspective of myself. After all these years, I still haven't changed. I'm still the hopefull romantic. And speaking of irony, me having strict principals? (when I'm no stranger to the term "Third Party"...) I guess, as much as I shrug at the love fanatics, I would have to say that my views are pretty much love-oriented.

This week was quite crazy. My office is now at Clementi, which is the Western side of Singapore. Though, the plus point is that it's 30 minutes away from the City :)

For the 2 Italian women who laughed at my Grandma who was unable to read something properly, fuck you.

Goodnight :)

Steve.

04 August - Wednesday
10:21 P.M.

Shagged!

I'm so tired. I came home at 9 p.m. tonight and although the day wasn't too packed, I'm exhausted. I think I have mentioned that my camp is moving right? Well, it's moving from Changi to Clementi in the West. And the unit at Bedok is movin to take over my camp. And the camp that was previously at Clementi has moved somewhere else, and that unit would have moved too.. I don't get it. If everyone just stays in one freakin place, there wouldn't be any unecessary carrying, moving and crap right? I mean, is there much of a difference that the offices are in the West of Singapore, instead of the East?

I'm now a clerk and not a storeman anymore. Ironically, I miss workin in the store. Being a clerk isn't torturing but it's just that I have to share the office with the bosses, which can be a bit nerve wrecking. My lessons are gonna start in September and it's gonna be full swing. It would be lessons 4 times a week and the reast of the time, I would have to do self-study. Well, I have been relaxing for the past 2 years, I think it's time I start studying :)

Well, gotta go.

Steve

30 July - Friday
7:18 A.M.

The Meliorist

Sometimes I feel like I'm at constant war with the universe - where everything's not supposed to go my way and I'm supposed to get disappointed. Either that or I'm just too ambivalent for words. When I finally felt like things were tolerable and hopeful, it had to get fucked up.

I'm not sure if I'm waging this useless war - where it doesn't matter because I'm never gonna win or I might find some victory along the way. But I guess I'm to blame. I tend to have expectations and end up building castles in the sky. And to think that I would have learnt something from the February fiasco? I guess I should just go with the flow. Hmmm.

Steve.

28 July - Wednesday
5:55 P.M.

Color Blind?

S: So, what are you again? Are you Indian or Hindustani?
P: (There's a difference?) I'm Indian
S: Yeah, but what Indian?
P: I'm Indian Indian.
S: But there's so many different Indians right? Pakistani and others?
P: Yes, but to me, they are all the same. I'm just Indian!
S: But how come you don't look like him? *pointing to another guy*
P: Because everyone looks different?

It's so wierd. When someone's telling me about some new person in their life and I go, "Cool, so how's he/she?" and the reply is usually, "She's Bangladeshi" or "He's Chinese" or whatever. I don't know but when i usually ask more info about someone, i usually think the age and name would be the first few things to talk about. Why is race the first thing?

I'm so tired of answering the "What are you?" question. I'm a human being, citizen of the world and living thing! Period. Why is it that I've gotta try to put a lablel on myself to make it easier for you to classify or categorize me? So your opinion or impression of me's gonna change depending on what label/category?

Although there are 191 countries, 8 billion people, thousands of languages and hundreds of different cultures, i've always believed that there's only one race: the human race.

So, stop seeing and start living.

Steve Andre.

25 July - Sunday
7:04 P.M.

A Walking Contradiction

I feel so lazy. I don't know why, but I'm in one of those "i don't feel like doing anything moods". I woke up at 3:15 P.M. and i've been bummin since. ha. I watched "Le Divorce" yesterday and it was kinda boring. I kept fast forwarding it and i really wanted to watch Catch Me If You Can or Finding Nemo but my bro took those VCD's from me. Yesterday, it was my mum's 50th birthday and we had quite a blast. My dad bought her an orchid plant, my brother paid for dinner at Sakae Sushi and i got her a vegetarian Chocolate Mousse cake that she loved. So, all in all, it turned out quite well. We took family pictures which were cool cuz i can't remember when was the last time we took pictures as a family. I don't know, was it 8 years ago or something? And this time, we had 6 people in the picture, not 5 like before, cuz Orion was with us :)

Lately, I've been feeling this empty feeling inside me. I'm not sure what it is but it just feels.. empty. After the fiasco that happened 2 weeks ago (ok, those of you guys around me would know what I'm taking about..) things just sorta fell out. I had this drive and everything, and now i just feel distracted. I guess what happened did affect me and i'm just trying to put it behind. It surprises me though. I always thought that I was the type who could sleep around and not have a conscience and just "fuck it" but i guess i always just thought that. But i'm not emotionally capable for that. I'm modern in perspective and  i've nothing against dying your hair or having piercings or wearing skimpy clothing (hell, the less the better!), alcohol, smoking, homosexuality, mixed marriages and yeah, but i guess when it comes to romance, I'm still very much an old-fashioned kinda guy. I remember i used to have these same perspectives 5 years ago or so, when i first started dating and although through the years, i have become jaded to a certain extent, i'm still me. I still can't do the whole one night stand thing. I thought I could, but I can't.

I guess all i need is some self-control and perhaps i should just not take it too hard on myself. Sometimes i feel like i'm a walking contradiction. I mean, i believe in all these things but at the end of the day, i just go and fuck it all up. Does that makes sense to you? Well, it doesn't to me. But I guess I did learn something from all the shit that happened: sometimes i've gotta put my foot down, on myself and listen to what my heart says. I'm tired of rushing and regretting and getting all sour about it. It's such a waste of time! Anyway, i guess all this drama was probably the reason why I've not written much on my site cuz i've just been thinking about stuff and organizing things in my head.

Work is getting a bit busy now. We are moving to a different camp in the Western side of Singapore, so that's a little bit crazy. Considering that all the stuff has to be packed and loaded on a truck and brought to the other camp and be unpacked there. Most of the packing has already been done and this week is quite busy, as i've heard that there is loads of work to do at the office, you know, getting ready for this and that. I have a Medical Appointment on Tuesday, which is quite a crucial one and on Friday, i'm the Duty Store man, so i've gotta stay in camp till Saturday to pass over my duty. Apart from that, work is just same old, same old. It's just more physical now, due to the moving and most of the paper work has stalled.

Su's in Australia now and i miss her quite a bit. I haven't really heard from her yet, and i think i'm probably gonna give her a call tonight. Adri's gonna start school soon and Joanna's gonna start work soon too. Everything's just goin with the flow, i guess. And you know what, that empty feeling is still there. hmmm. Maybe it's the schedule. I have a routine that sorta repeats. I guess things would change when school starts in September. I'm quite excited about it, studying Literature and History again. Well, i've gotta go now. Have an errand to run and gotta have my dinner.

I'll leave something soon :)

Steve Andre.

18 July - Sunday
2:30 A.M.

I Regret

The vile blood that runs in my veins,
Represent the sovereign acts of my conscience.
Unabated by the mistakes
This blood will still flow.
The religion that I prescribe is the
Basic conviction of my sanity.
The path that I’ve lived and
The journey that I am to follow
Needs no explanation.
I regret,
But I’ll still reign
By the acts of my conscience.

By Steve Andre.

15 July - Thursday
4:51 A.M.

The North wind blew
and with it, my aspirations

I've not written stuff in days - i have to apologize. I guess the return of some sort of normalcy to my life sent me galavanting. I've been writing in prose/poetry lately (read my previous entries?) Don't know why but i guess lately, i've been quite inspired and when i write, it just takes the form of poems. Not like i'll stop writing songs, but i guess this is just an oppurtunity for me to explore a little bit of my writing and see how far I can go with this. I never really thought of writing poetry, but I guess these things can't be forced and they gotta come to you.

June was a crazy month and i'm glad that it's July. Three weeks ago or so, I went to Malaysia for 1 and a half days. Johor Bahru, to be specific. And it was fantastic. I applied for leave from work and i decided that i needed a break for myself. Plus, i felt like i really did wanna spend some time with Su at her place. It was great and we hung out at City Square, watched a movie for 3 Singapore dollars, bought loads of snacks and it was just forgetting everything back home and enjoying myself :) Then, when I came back, I brought Joanna out for her Birthday celebration and we went to this really cool restaurant at Arab Street called, Cafe' Samar. It had great Middle Eastern food and it was cosy and perfect. Then, we headed off to The Marmalade Pantry for desert and after that, we went to this bar called Hideout to chill. After an Apricot Brandy, I was in heaven :)

I've been on medical leave for the past 2 days - been having a fever and a sore throat. But i guess it gave me a good chance to stay at home and rest, just do the things that i've missed doing.
Anyway, i should sleep soon :)

Bye.
Steve.

02 July - Friday
8:32 A.M.

Cancelled

Immediatly, my spirits fell.
And then, it hit me,
I've been living
In my own perception
for the past 4 months.
What I thought,
was not what it was.
Today, I woke up.

By Steve.

01 July - Thursday
8:33 A.M.

I'm Cold And I'm Shivering

The pellets can be heard
from miles away
They are walking
but they don't know
where they're going.
White walls and shiny railings
bode age and history
I'm cold and I'm shivering.

Cars sweeping past
over the wet roads. Splashing.
The fans are noisy
going round and round.
I reminisce the times
when the four walls surrounded my only concerns
The pellets can still be heard
I'm cold and I'm shivering.

By Steve.

30 June - Wednesday
2:50 P.M.

No Exit

Boot marks on the wall,
Creased and stained,
Chipped edges and creaking
gates,
A shadow overcast,
It's time to leave
I'm running through the hallway
But it's never ending.

By Steve.

28 June - Monday
9:32 A.M.

The Symphony

When I walk, and I feel
I get goose bumps.
How can I possibly pull this off?
When I think about how
things can go as planned
I shiver.
Am I living it or is this
a parallel universe?
A symphony has all it's
instruments lined up
My cello is weak, my drums are meek,
And my melody creaks.
I want my piece to soar.

By Steve.

27 June - Sunday
4:28 P.M.

My Simple Life

S: By the way, there's no hot water.
P: What?!? *horrified look*
S: *laughs* So sorry!
P: That's ok. I mean, I do bathe in cold water sometimes, I mean, like at Camp.
S: But it's ok right?
P: Yeah it's fine! Don't worry about me. *trying to be reassuring*
S: But do you bathe in hot or cold water?
P: It's neither actually. I like it to be not so hot, not so cold, warm but the right temperature. A little below room temperature perhaps. I can't give like a definate exact temperature.
S: Ok, I'll get my maid to put a thermometer in the pail for you to check the temperature *jokingly*
P: Ha!
S: Oh by the way, there's no shower, you don't mind using a pail right?
P: You serious?
S: Yeah, I am.
P: Erm.. yeah sure. You're really serious?
S: Yes! And by the way, we have to wake up at 5 in the morning.
P: Why?
S: To feed the chickens
P: Chickens?!?! Who said anything about chickens?
S: Yeah, the cock will crow forever then, if we don't do the chores.
P: Are you serious?! I'm not waking up for no chickens!
S: I'm kidding!
P: Thank god! Well, atleast we have warm water.
S: Oh, I wasn't kidding about that though.
P: Oh.

S: The shopping center is just there, walking distance.
P: Walking distance?
S: Ok ok. *grins*
P: Your walking distance is very different from my waking distance.
S: Haha.
P: So where is it?
S: It's just there, behind that building.
P: What building? I don't see anything! You're tricking me!
S: I'm not. It's just there.
P: It's so hot, and I'm sweating...
S: Well, I was wondering why you were wearing long sleeves..
P: Because I didn't want to get bitten by mosquitoes like last night
S: They only come out at night.
P: I wasn't gonna take the chance. Where is the building?
S: It's near, just there. Ok, we've gotta walk here, down here.
P: Finally, some shade. So, is that the building?
S: Yes.
P: Is it air-conditioned?
S: Yes!
P: Great!
(Entering the shopping center)
P: Finally, civilization! And it's nice and cool... ahhh..
S: *Grins*
P: So sorry, I hope I wasn't bein obnoxious?
S: Yes you were!
P: So sorry! I couldn't help it!
S: It's ok, you're Singaporean!

Steve.

21 June - Monday
7:35 A.M.

A Void

Countless faces, porcelain bleached teeth, dim lights, psychedelic curtains... oh wait, is that sequence? Disco lights, furry pillows, champagne, wine and of course, Apricot Brandy. Chocolate, retro, tank tops, glitter, laughter and the smell of pretense.

Hey
(Smile. Or should I say try to smile?)
This is not my scene.

Shifting from couch to table, epiphany? Hmmm, I don't think so. Sweaty bodies, beads, listening to my voice.

He had a date and the place was full, but he was alone.
Alone.

Steve.

20 June - Sunday
4:02 P.M.

The Bohemian Photoshoot

  

18 June - Friday
6:08 P.M.

The stride of the perfectionist,
The words of a sycophant,
The stare of the dreamer,
And the murmurs of non-believers,
I’ve seen it all – in just one second
All around me.

Lately, I've been writing down my thoughts on pieces of paper whenever I can. Like say, in the office (when I'm free), or on the bus or MRT. And now I have quite a few sheets to type out :P I thought it would be more sincere to write down the thoughts that I exactly felt at that very moment instead of keeping it in mind, and writing whatever I wanted to, when I got the chance to get hold of my computer. It's been such a crazy week. There are rumors circulating around that some people from my branch (and probably me) would be posted to another branch or office. I mean, it would still be in the same unit and camp, just a different office and a different set of tasks to do. I don't know but I've gotten kinda used to my office and I don't think I would be happy being tossed here and there like a freakin toy. Oh wait, I am in the Army.

Somehow, the other offices are in need of manpower. This is due to the latest policy passed by the government regarding National Service. Those enlistees who joined the army from 2002-2004 would get 2 months off their “term” and those who enlist at the end of this year, would only serve 2 years instead of 2 and a half years. I guess when I heard the news, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to laugh or cry.

Oh yeah, not forgetting the unforeseeable hiatus that brought my life to a tragic standstill last Tuesday: I lost my cell phone. Yup. It somehow slipped out of my pocket while I was on the bus. And where was I heading to, you might ask? I was heading down to my old college to collect my A’ level certificate. I guess what my bro said was right, the A’ levels keep screwing me up.

And, when I called my phone back, hoping that the person, who found it, would pick up and perhaps give it back…guess what happened. It went to my mail box. That means that my phone was switched off. I couldn't believe that there would be people out there who would have the heart to do that. I mean, hey, don't you have a conscience? I didn't have any form of communication with the outside world for 2 whole days. (Ok, I did have access to a computer, television & radio but those don't count!) I felt so isolated. And I had my to-do list on my phone and I lost that too. Surprisingly though, after that, I felt this sense of release, like I didn't have to keep checking what were the stuff I “had” to do. I didn't lose much numbers though. Thankfully, last December, I sat down and wrote every number on my phone on a piece of paper just in case I end of losing my phone in the future. I did this cuz, it was on the night before that Joanna lost her phone and I remember how she couldn't get back quite a few numbers. Anyway, I got my SIM card yesterday (it was free) and I'm using my mother's phone temporarily till I get mine this weekend. I can't wait to stop using her phone. I'm gonna get arthritis using this phone. It's so huge and heavy, I feel like I'm carryin a freakin brick.

I can't wait for Saturday and Sunday. Adrianna & I are celebrating Dewi’s birthday tomorrow and I'm celebrating Joanna's birthday on Sunday (though Dewi’s birthday was on Tuesday and Joanna's is tomorrow). I just wanna spend time with my best friends and relax! This week, I've been rushing here and there and buying presents and running errands, I feel like I gotta have some time to breathe.

Anyway, I've gotta go – kinda shagged and I wanna go take a shower.
See ya.

Steve.

14 June - Monday
3:34 P.M.

Wild, wild weekend

I had a great weekend last week. Damn, it was great. I had a long weekend on Friday and had coffee and cake with Rohai and Kelvin at Starbucks and it was great, chilling out and talking about everything. On Saturday, I met up with my ex-bunk mates from Tekong (a.k.a hell hole) for dinner at Marche'. They had just finished their basic military training (BMT) and were having a week off. My ex-platoon sergeant also dropped by as he was in the vicinity. It was cool, I guess, since it was a tiny reunion. Though that one month of my life was probably the worst ever, these guys probably made it easier for me. Then, after that, it was a quick rush to the Youth Park, as I was meeting Su & Grace there to watch Su's students perform some skits. After that, we went to the zoo. Yes, the zoo. Well, when they asked me where I would wanna go a week ao, I spontaneously (and stupidly) suggested the Night Safari. So, somehow they took me seriously. I agreed, (despite my ever increasing debt to my dad) since Su was leaving for Canberra to study and I might not see her for a long time. So we took a bus there and I actually had a great time. We managed to see quite alot of animals like lions, tigers, bear cats, otters, bats and loads more. So, I guess you could say that it was worth it (due to the fact that we managed to coax the woman into selling us the student fare tickets *grins*)

After the safari, we decided to head down to the bar for drinks and to just chill. Grace didn't want the night of continuous fun to end just at 12. I though, yeah, might as well huh? So, we went to the bar, had a drink and then went to the club nearby for some dirty grinding. Actually, I wasn't sure about the club, due to the smoke and stuff. But they seemed really keen, so I thought i'd just hang loose for the night. The music was ok, but the lights were fantastic. It was packed, since it was a Saturday and at times, we couldn't even move. It was quite fun as Su refused to leave the club and we had to coax her to get into the cab. And of course, there was more than enough drama for me. At one point, I think I was surrounded by 4 people who I've had a history with. Yeah, couldn't my night get any better?

After the club, I was spent. What I needed was SLEEP. Well, it was a cool weekend, thanks to Su & Grace :)

Steve.

11 June - Friday
8:57 A.M.

Operation Sycophant

THIS DOCUMENT IS RESTRICTED. THE UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION, RETENTION AND DESTRUCTION OF CONTENTS IN THIS DOCUMENT IS AN OFFENSE. ANY PERSONNEL GUILTY OF SUCH AN OFFENSE IS CHARGEABLE BY LAW.

Due to recent monitoring of developments and activities in the arena, evidence garnered shows that previous methods of “passive” responses towards personnel in areas of conversation and attitudes have failed. This is due to the vulnerability and lack of involvement and tact of new personnel. New guidelines are being instituted to combat this situation.

Firstly, personnel are to practice “sycophancy” and agree to all orders given by superiors though this does not necessarily mean that the orders have to be followed, remembered etc. Personnel are to interact professionally and maintain a cohesive working environment. They are allowed to “joke” and encouraged to develop a “trusting” relationship and acknowledge one another. Though, this does not essentially mean that they actually have to be sincere in those relationships. The key is to create a fake, plastic, environment where everything said is not what is really thought or meant. This would act as a strong grid towards progress as a stable status quo would be established.

Each personnel must develop a façade. This would act as a shield and protect each of the individual personnel's private matters. There would be absolutely no transparency among personnel. Thus, instead of insults and disagreements, there would be cordial replies and respectable behavior.

By Order,
Steve Andre.

2:27 P.M.

The Treasure

He hunted and hunted, with great precision and perseverance. His spirits were high, drunk with euphoric pride and nonchalance to the world outside. He tripped and stumbled a few times but managed to get back on track, to pursue his find. The sun was scorching his naked neck and his sweat drenched shirt acted as a cooling agent in the menacing heat. Where was it? Was it near? He trekked to the spot where he expected the treasure to be buried. He reeked with the pulse of excitement. After clearing the figs, leaves and striplings, he began to dig.

The shoving became almost mechanical, with every push and shove resonating with the echo the forest provided. His lips twitched in accordance with the movement his arms were making. After an agonizing ninety minutes of digging, he finally hit something. It was hard and he clearly heard the clink. It was the treasure.

Finally, he knelt down and scraped the soil off the top and a rusty metallic box displayed itself to the forest. He used his shovel to dismantle the lock and after a few careful knocks, the box was unlocked. He could barely control his eagerness and his eyes widened with anticipation. He moved closer and opened the box.

It wasn't what he expected.

Steve.

10 June - Thursday
7:24 A.M.

Sleepless in Singapore?

Am I awake or asleep? Nowadays, I'm not sure anymore or perhaps, I've stopped caring. Sometimes, when I'm awake, the moments seem like mere visages, like scenes from a movie, though there's no introduction, climax or resolution. Monotony. Perhaps, from that side of the camera lens, the scenes would look perfect, in retrospect. But now, at this very moment, monotony.

Steve.

09 June - Wednesday
10:21 A.M.

Conquests Aside

Hotel Inter-Continental Singapore     DONE

Meritus Mandarin                                DONE

Four Seasons Hotel Singapore          DONE

Marriott Singapore                             DONE

Hilton International Singapore          DATE UNCONFIRMED

Grand Hyatt Singapore                     DATE UNCONFIRMED

The Ritz-Carlton                               DATE UNCONFIRMED

The Fullerton Singapore                  DATE UNCONFIRMED

I officially hate visiting the dentist. When I was there in May to get a filling, it hurt like hell, cuz it was done too deep and it hit the nerves on my tooth. After that visit, I had trouble eating cold stuff, ice-cream, drinks etc. for atleast a month. And today, I had another appointment (Though, I decided to go to the dentist as there was really nothing to accomplish in the office) to fix that. There I was lying on the reclining chair, with the dentist and his assistant/understudy beside me, and I was watching the bickering that was goin on between them. I mean, for goodness sake, atleast let me close my mouth or something! There I was, lying, waiting and watching all that drama enfold. Do I really need more drama in my life? Talking to Adrianna is good enough! (No offense babe!) So, he wanted more days off and the dentist, perhaps has been passing over some of his work load over to his assistant and after the Days Of Our Lives except was over, I had to endure more pain. I had to  go for an X-ray for my tooth and the dentist decided to take out the filling that was put quite far in and put a temporary one in for now. Well, looks like the tooth saga ain't over yet.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with my new lung specialist at Tan Tock Seng Hospital. Though, it's at Novena (about 30 minutes away from my place), I felt more comfortable there and my doctor was cordial, professional and generally good. Even the asthma nurse was very helpful and generally, it was much better than my previous specialist at the other hospital I used to go to (and I'm not gonna mention names, though its name precedes it's reputation, if you know what I mean)

This month is an exceptionally crazy month. I have loads of things to do on my to do list, which is never ending. I am also gonna try to clear the debt I have with my dad (Note usage of word "try"). I have 4 medical appointments, tons of errands and 2 friend's birthdays. I also have 2 outings to attend to. So, yeah. This month, in my opinion, is also an exceptionally crucial month for me. My medical appointments, education and my Music & Drama company audition (which happened last Saturday) are some of the stuff I have to attend to. My medical appointments are crucial as they are gonna determine my PES Status and my "position" in the army. Re-taking my A'levels is my top priority at the moment right now, so there are loads of things that I'm trying to finalize, regarding that aspect.

*sigh* Hopefully things will go as planned and i can get enough sleep this month! Gotta run!

Steve.

06 June - Sunday
10.30 P.M.

This chapter's closed?

With all your idiosyncrasies - shallowness, stereotypicality, lack of expression and understanding or even your lack of initiation in conversation - a tiny list of the qualities that I abhor - I still go to you and want you.

I shudder with disbelief that someone could actually have such perspectives on certain issues, for example, race or religion. Dark, fair, white or black? (Wait, am I being politically correct?) Mannerisms, ways and even comments aside, we are alike. Perhaps, at the end of the day, I'm just looking at myself. And maybe I'm the one I should abhor. I twitch at your replies, but wait, wasn't I thinking about that yesterday?

Perhaps, it's just a tantalizing feeling to keep going back for more, an addiction. Or maybe, i'm just plain masochistic? I like getting myself hurt by involving myself with individuals that perpetually mind-fuck me . Or maybe I just like being entertained.

It was dark, dank and definitely not the picturesque romantic scene. Oh screw romance. Forget the other 4.4 million people in this city, that night (oh wait, which night was that again?) the city was our audience - and we the actors were a cunning lot. Replaying our scene over and over again - it was brutal, raw.. to an extent, obscene. I liked it. I liked every single bit of it. Our hands brushing against one another and the no-commitment kisses. The touch was tantamount to sin, but wait, my place in hell was pre-ordained ages ago.

I want to quit, but will this addiction get the best of me?

Steve.

02 June - Wednesday
1:58 P.M.

The gods have spoken,
the skies are red.
The train crashed,
and everyone's dead.

I hate Harry Porter. On Monday, i managed to get a day off from my boss (I don't think I would be able to get another one as it's really not procedure) and my friend who works for a magazine invited me to watch the gala premiere of the movie at Cineleisure and so I thought, what the hec? I mean, it's a free movie :) So, i left my camp at like 6.00 P.M. as i only managed to get the shuttle from my camp to Tampines Interchange at 6 and although i guess, if i had gone straight to the City from the interchange, i would have been there on time. But well, impulsive me wanted to go home and get the brownies that i baked over the weekend to let my friend have a taste of it. So, i made a detour and got home. Spent 2 minutes and dashed off taking a taxi to the City. I only managed to get to the city at 7:14 P.M. and i ran all the way up to the cinema and there was so many people there. There were camera crew, celebrities and press. I looked like a total mess and i waited. Of course, to top the whole thing, my phone was flat. So, there was no way of contacting my friend. After waiting till like 7:35 P.M., i asked someone near me if she could lend me her phone battery as mine was flat. She was nice enough to, and she even went through the list of guests to check and see where my friend was seated. However, there were 6 theaters showcasing the same premiere that she was unable to find the exact seat where my friend could be. I felt like such a fool waiting there as everyone was going in and there i was, all alone! So, i messaged my friend telling him where i was and that i was waiting outside. And at 7:50, i left.

I was pissed. My phone was flat. I looked a mess and i wasn't sure if i should go back home or camp. I went to Cali, met a friend and she charged my phone for me and after having a shower and stuff, i felt better. I finally got my phone back at like 8:50 P.M. and when i switched it on, i got all my friends messages. He actually did come out to see me, he came at 7:50 P.M. and he actually hid the ticket somewhere for me to take, but of course, my phone was flat and i couldn't have known that. So, i guess you could say that i wasn't meant to watch the freakin' movie! After that came the angry phone calls, shouting and yeah. Though i guess we were being angry at each other when none of us did anything really wrong. So, i went home after that and spent about 15 minutes home and left for camp.

Today i have yoga at 4 P.M. and i would probably be in Orchard till about 7 or 8. I have some errands to do like get envelopes and change some greenbacks.

My brother just came back from his Boston/New York holiday and he got me some GAP Stuff. *grins* You know, one thing i don't really get is why my friends can't believe that a (straight) guy can't be just friends with a girl? As long as you're meeting someone of the opposite sex, some of them just can't believe that it's not a romantic sorta thing and that sex wouldn't be in the menu.

Anyway, i should going off now :)
Take Care
Steve

27 May - Thursday
12:49 A.M.

Just because I believe in a fair system, does that make me a communist?
Just because I'm Indian, I'm supposed to be crazy about chili?
Just because I'm modern, I'm not supposed to be religious?
Just because I'm young, I'm supposed to be a player?

As I was walking down the slope that day, with the heat scorching my feet and turning me to a shade of pink, I suddenly felt this sudden confidence.  I felt like I wanted to worship my difference, stay akin to my perspectives, and just show everyone who I really was. I didn't want to change anything about myself, so as to make anyone else feel more comfortable around me or to make it easier for them to figure me or categorize me.  Why give them that satisfaction?

What are you, by the way?
I'm Indian.
But you don't look typically indian?
What do you mean by typical? Can you define typical?
Well..
Open your mind. Not every Indian looks the same. Alot of them look very ambiguous because you cannot define how an Indian looks like.

Are you from around here?
What do you mean by that?
Are you Singaporean?
Yes I am.
But you look very foreign.
What do you mean by foreign? Can you define what a Singaporean look is?
Well, i would think that "A", that guy in our class, has a Singaporean look
In my opinion, i don't think you can define a Singaporean look as we are mixed as a society. They are different races and so many different looks.
Yeah, you gotta point.

Are you from Afghanistan?
No.
Where are you from?
Singapore.
Singaporean?
Yes, Singaporean.
Are you from Iraq?
No.
Are you from Iran?
No.
Have you been to Baghdad?
No.
Have you seen Ali Baba?
Well, i'll keep you informed.

What is your view of homosexuality? Do you believe that it's in the genetics or it's the upbringing?
Neither.
Then, what's your view?
Well, i think it's choice.
Choice?
I believe in individuals, not categories. Love transcends categories. Someone can fall in love with someone from the same sex or perhaps from someone of the opposite sex. But at the end of the day, it's love right? There's no such thing as a lesser love. Plus, if the love between two people of the same sex was considered to be of lesser worth in comparison to that people from the opposite sex, wouldn't that diminish what love itself represents, which is the freedom of loving someone regardless of differences? I think it's about individuality, love, time, place and freedom. I don't believe in the hypothesis of genetics, as if homosexuality or bisexuality was something that was engraved in the holy books that have existed for thousands of years, how can a mere test on sheep show that genetics is the cause to homosexuality? How can that apply to every single person, when clearly it would be a blatant generalization, as different people embrace different degrees of "deviant" sexual attitudes and behavior? More tests have be done in relation to the genetics theory. I think it would be highly premature to say that it's also upbringing. As the upbringing varies from person to person. In my opinion, using upbringing as a reason would be judgmental. What is your view?
Well, you have to give me a few minutes to think about it.....
(After a significant 5 minutes or so..)
So, erm.. what's your view?
Actually, I don't really have a view.

It's almost 2 am and i have to wake up at 5 in the morning. *groans* And i have a theory exam tomorrow, or should i say today? Well, i had the practical exam today and it was quite ok. So, i'm not so worried about the theory part. It's gonna be my last day in this camp today. I'll have to report back to my camp at Changi tonight by 11 P.M. and tomorrow i have duty! Yup, i'm the duty storeman. I just gotta open the main office, fill up certain papers, get certain documents signed and stuff. I'm gonna miss this camp that i've been in for 2 and a half weeks. I got close to some people, people who i don't think i would have engaged in a conversation with, if i was walking down the street. But what i found so intriguing about the people i met, was not the similarities that we had, but the differences. Similarities can be so boring. And I think I learned alot from this course - not in relation to the classes - but about the people around me and also the mindset. I was exposed to different walks of life and I have to say, it was an experience. So, I guess, what they say is true, experience itself is priceless.

I so gotta sleep. 'Nite.

Steve.

23 May - Sunday
5:09 A.M.

If I was to die, I would rather die in my village
If I was to live, I would want to, in a constant
If I was to dream, I would want it in color
If I was to sleep, I would rather, alone.

What a day. I had auctions put up, in a bid to hopefully earn some cash and then it was a trip straight down to town - for some revelry. After a little shopping, feeling somewhat poorer, it was a saturday by myself. Thinking about the bills, studies, future, everything.. sometimes i'm not sure where to start or where it would all end. I have a list, actually, 4 lists of all the things i have to do. And everyday, i have been doing stuff one by one to get my lists done, but i don't think when i finish all the lists, everything would be sorted out. I wanna sort things out but somehow, i'm not sure if sorting might solve anything.

I used to always wanna know where i was going with everything. But now, i don't really care anymore. I just wanna figure out how i'm gonna get there. Period.

Nite'

Steve.

22 May - Saturday
12:49 P.M.

When the sins show

People think they can just figure me out, just like that. And that just puzzles me. You look at me, say one word to me, and suddenly you know me? Or wait, you read a little thing about me, and now i am somehow intimately acquainted with you? I don't understand why people have to figure out others in the first place. I mean, do you need to nicely pack everyone in packages and label them neatly? Does that system seem so appealing to you? Stereotypes, labels and impressions - i thought those were the fad of the past. You know, being already in 2004, i would think that people would have opened up their minds to certain degree. It's a bit scary when you think about it, everyone forming judgments and being so critical and cynical about each other. I don't know, but i'd rather just give people the benefit of the doubt.

Sometimes i'm not sure if i even know myself. I have all these values that i constantly repeat in my head, but then, i go and do something or think of doing something that totally contradicts everything. Perhaps it's just a part of me changing? I guess when we grow, we try to fit stuff on, and then, at one point, we don't wanna try somethin on, but we just wanna show what we've got. I feel like everyday, i'm still gettin to know myself, with all the questions and sometimes, with the answers.

I feel like i've learnt alot this week, nothing related with my work or classes that i've been in from 9-5, but from what's been going on around me and from the new people i've met through this course. My course will end next Thursday and i have to say that i'd miss it, although traveling up north every morning and back in the evening is a pain, i feel like i had good experiences so far. Plus, i've been getting loads of sleep. I find myself not being perfectly honest with myself sometimes, and i'm not sure why. Is the truth so painful for me to even hear? I think in these past 3 months or so, i have learnt to understand myself and to try to correct the stuff that perhaps i feel that i'm not happy about. I've been making plans, and been pondering about the future and reflecting alot.

I think i can be too nice sometimes. I still haven't mastered the act of saying somethin to someone's face. I think i need to try to practice on the tact aspect. But i think i give in too much. Some times i don't think they deserve my generosity, because at the end of the day, i'm just taken advantage of.

This week was quite a eventful week. I spent time with Su, which was great. We indulged in sushi and my fave drink from NYDC, the Lemon Shiver. And i spent last Saturday with Joanna. Anyway, i've gotta run - so i'll see ya.

Steve.

14 May - Friday
11:24 P.M.

I am not interested anymore

I had to. I knew that if i did not initiate, i might not know for sure how i felt about things. Sometimes, it feels like such a blur. Are you really saying those things? Is this just an act? And am i just something for you to use? I needed to find an explanation as to why i felt so different looking at your message, though a few weeks ago, it would have struck a different chord. And then, i realized. This chapter's closed.

My course started and it's been quite cool actually. Though, traveling has been a real pain in the ass. I have to wake up at 5 in the morning and it takes about 1 hour to get to work and in the afternoon or early evening, it usually takes a bit longer. Though, i have been using this time to get all my errands done and also catching up with pals like Su, Dewi, Joanna & Adrianna. I can't wait for the weekend, i so need alot of sleep. I've only had like 8 hours of sleep in the last 2 days.

Well, i gotta go now. I'm way too tired to type.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Steve.

07 May - Friday
12:42 P.M.

Typically Friday

Thanks to that new virus that was released on May Day, my computer was sorta affected by it and i've not been able to access the internet via my home PC for like a week now. And at the moment, i'm using the computer at work for answering e-mails and surfin. *yawns* It's been kinda boring today.. just the typical stuff to do, but it's fine i guess :) Yesterday, i had quite a packed day though. I had a dental appointment in the morning, which was surprisingly very painful, as i had a filling done. You know, i never knew fillings could be so painful. And the dentist didn't wanna give me an injection, cuz my mouth would be numb for a few hours after that or something, so perhaps the pain was worth it. Then, it was a quick trip home in the pouring rain. I was having a terrible headache, coupled with bowel problems that all i wanted to do in that weather was sleep. But I had an appointment with my dermatologist at 2:30 P.M. and i decided to not postpone. So, then i went to the city, had my appointment, then went to get a blood test and then, i wondered off to the library to get a book. After that, i was just browsing for potential gifts for people around me. At about 7, i left for Toa Payoh to get my contact lenses done and then I went to Bugis to meet Dewi for dinner/drinks/browsing and we visited my fave dinner place, Billy Bombers. And you know what, she knows how to make my fave drink, Pink Pussy Cat and The Green Grasshopper! After that, i went back to camp and yeah, I was totally beat.

I have been writing some songs lately. I just finished "Just A Game" a few weeks back and at the moment, i'm writing another cheeky one called "On Your Knees" *grins*. I don't know why i'm getting in touch with my naughty side but it's cool cuz i miss the dirrty, naughty and sexual types that i used to write in 2001-2002.

I have been thinking alot about what I would wanna do with this time in the Army, since i do have some to spare. I have decided that i would wanna re-take my SAT's until i get the grade that i'm satisfied with and i would probably be re-taking my A'levels too. But i haven't decided if i wanted to take it as a private candidate totally and study myself or to join a private night school that offers A'levels. So, i'm just doin my research right now, and hopefully, by the end of May, I'll have one. My storeman course starts this Tuesday and it would last till the 27th of May.

I thought about loads of things this week - my education, finances, friends, life and love life and I have made some decisions in some of the areas and i'm glad that i've managed to figure out things properly. I have decided to cut all unnecessary expenses - though it's ironic that i gotta get gifts for 4 people in my life right now :P But apart from that, i've decided to auction some of my stuff on Ebay and i think i would be able to pay my Dad the debt i owe him by mid June. But anyway, enough about that. I'm glad that i feel confident about things now and i feel focused too ( and believe me, that's a feeling I don't always get)

Well, i gotta go now as my break's almost over. Cheers :)

Steve.

30 April - Friday
12:08 P.M.

Stressed!

These few days have been quite stressful, ok not with work or anything, but just what's been goin on in my head. Well, i sorta already decided that i would wanna re-take my A'level examinations as a private candidate, since I have the time now and also due to the fact that  my parents and I are not satisfied with the results. I could get the hints of "Oh you gotta have this to do that..." or "Oh it's difficult without a certain qualification to survive..." or the "How could you not think about this before?" and well, i guess i'm just tired of trying to find reasons as to why things happened the way they did, early this year. Don't you think I myself, would like some simple, logical explanation? But i can't just rule it down to impulse or rashness. I can't. Because, at that point, to me, what I did didn't seem like impulsive behavior, it felt like i was just following what my heart was telling me to do.

When I was in college, I use to come home countless of times with headaches and i couldn't function when i had the sporadic headaches. All i could do was sleep. I was this close to a breakdown in March 2003, as I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing in a college. Was i just these because my parents wanted me to be there? Or was i there because i wasn't sure of some other place that I could have been in? You know, thinking back, I don't regret the college experience as, I met 2 best friends who i trust with almost everything and i met so many people who i've grown to love. I've also learnt alot and i don't think it was a waste. When i was in college, i wasn't sure of what i was doing. Was music ever gonna give me anything? Was it meant for me? Was i cut out for it? Perhaps I'm just too naive to believe in this whole thing about following your instincts? I actually decided in August or so, that perhaps that the whole music dream was something i had to think more about. But just a few weeks after that, i got the letter. And i guess it changed my whole life.

When i was in Baltimore, I felt it. I felt that i was supposed to be there. I believed in myself again and it felt that all the countless sacrifices that i've made so far in my life was worth it. I felt that feeling and that's why I can't explain my feelings towards what happened otherwise.

Perhaps i'll feel that feeling again one day, and when i do, i'll know. But for now, i know that I wanna be focused on and I know that I can accomplish something in this 2 years plus that i have. And i'm ever so determined to get the good grades, as i know that i'm capable of more than what i achieved.

I'm tired of explaining. I'm tired of hiding.

I'm glad that it's finally the weekend. Tonight I might be meeting Dewi for a while, then i'm heading down to a bar with a friend to chill for a while. I'm quite glad i have something good to look forward to. Tomorrow, i have a few errands to run and i intend to just write some songs and just chill out at home, i guess.

Anyway, i gotta go now, so i'll try to write something later or tomorrow.

Steve Andre.

25 April - Sunday
4:38 A.M.

Feeling the moment

There i was, questioning myself. With all that i've done, written, professed and preached, here I am, denying what I've thought to be the gospel truth of my existence, the basic morality that I've lived upon. But for pride and satisfaction, I was willing to give up my humanity, within a mere matter of seconds. And here I am, still questioning. What is it, that drives me to make such incalculable decisions and what makes such desires root in my mind, that has been conditioned by years of denial. Denial and regret. How long will this show go on? How long will the audience sit patiently, waiting for the expected verses and lines, the scripted movements and the ever so changing scenes? How long can the show last?

You, with all your idiosyncrasies and foolishness that still sets me driving up the wall. You, with all the talk, of which every word has an underlining meaning. You, who has to be hidden from the truth that prevails in your thoughts and you, who has so much to offer, but withers in the slow, darkening night.

You, with all your promises, i find no trust. You, with all your expressions, i find no gratitude. You, with all that pretense, I find no sincerity and you, with all those memories, i find only pain.

Steve

22 April - Thursday
4:12 P.M.

A few days at home

Well, i have medical leave for a few days, due to vomiting and a fever. Though, i feel a bit better now. Just a bit sore throat that's like still troublin me. Oh yeah, go and check out Nelly Furtado's Powerless Desi Remix. It's really cool and it's a mix of eastern beats and stuff. I'm not sure what i intend to do these few days, now that I have time at home. Perhaps, put up more auctions and sort out my stuff. I do have some DVD's to watch and i guess i could use this time to do that :)

Well, i'm gonna go now. Talk a little later :)

Steve.

16 April - Friday
11:16 A.M.

New songs in my head

I really like Enrique's "I'm Not In Love" and i think Kelis is featured in there too? I'm not sure if that's her but it sure sounds like her. Speaking of Kelis, i was in HMV yesterday and i was so tempted to buy her album as i heard her latest single, "In Public" and it's fantastic. But of course, i'll just have to refrain. I still owe my dad! Anyway, Nelly Furtado's "Powerless" is really cool. Check out her website, if you wanna see one real unique site about a musician. I finished writing a song on the 15th and I decided to name it, "Just A Game" (Thanks Bal!). It sorta reminded me of the tracks i wrote in 2001, the Strain For The Shimmy era types. Written in a perspective of a celebrity, it sorta pokes fun at the lives of them and i think the whole song sorta spells out indulgence. Anyway, gotta go eat something, so i'll holla later.

Steve.

15 April - Thursday
10:44 A.M.

Hello more responsibilities, frown lines, carefree sex and (hopefully) wisdom

It's been generally good, for the past few days. Oh yeah, and i have to say, i thought my Birthday was fantastic. I was so touched by what all my friends did and with the planning and effort they put into the whole thing. It was perfect and the best birthday i've had so far. In the afternoon, while i was watchin a movie on my computer, Jinesh called and told me to go to the dining room. And when i did, I saw this Zara bag on the table! Okay, so he must have dropped it there by shoving it through the window. I opened the bag and i found this really cool olive green shirt that had black psychedelic curvy lines that sorta was interwoven with the green and it looked cool. Very sleek and clubby. It did look expensive and I was touched. I mean, he actually bothered to come all the way to my place. The shirt was from Jinesh and Rohai and there was also a card in the bag too. Since i had plans for dinner, I decided that I might use the shirt. Though I liked it alot, it was way too dressy and i was plannin on keepin it a bit simple, t-shirt and jeans perhaps?

Later in the day, my mum gave me some money. Well, half of my birthday gift. She was telling me that my dad and her intended to give me $100, but decided to give me $50 first and the other $50 much later. Sort of their way of "helping" me to "try" to control my expenditure. *grins* You know, since we are on the topic of finances, my mum was telling me that day that I lived beyond my means. Me? And i'm like, for goodness sake, what do i buy? Okay, we will not add the $600 that i owe my dad in this picture, but apart from the money I pay for "occasional" taxi rides, I think the other stuff that i spend on is worth it. I've stopped global sms-ing (though i guess, this is due to the fact that i decided to date Singaporeans, for a change *grins*) and I am controlling my usage of my cell. I don't know, maybe my finances are crazy, but I really can't think of a way to reduce my expenditure. Okay... cell phone bills, occasional cookie indulges, coffee and perhaps a few dinners (maybe 2?) are a necessity to me, on a monthly basis. I decided that I was gonna do something about this, perhaps e-bay more? Though, i really don't think i have anything more to sell.

Oops. Sorry for the long drift. So, after gettin the gifts, I got ready and I wasn't sure where we were goin, as Adrianna wanted to surprise me. So, I was supposed to meet her, Joanna & Dewi in the City and they were gonna bring me to the place. I thought I might be way too overdressed cuz I was wearing the olive green top and cuz none of my jeans went with it, i wore my prom pants. Before I met them, I did go and join my bunk mates who I became close to in Pulau Tekong, for a while to chat. Jason, Elvin & Issac were cool to talk to and we took some pics and talked for a while. After that, I had to leave, as our reservation was at 7:30. I met the girls at Lido and they brought me to the restaurant, The Marmalade Pantry at Palais Renaissance. I never really went there before cuz i always thought that it was way too expensive. But the place looked really good and the restaurant was cozy and very comfy. After loads of picture whoring and laughing and teasing the staff, we started to order. I have to say, the food is exquisite. We had the warm duck confit salad and i'm not sure what our other salad was, but it was either the sautéed portobello or warm spinach. It was filled with loads of seafood. For the main course, Dewi and I had spaghettinni and Adri had the lamb and Joanna had the linguini. I mean, it was perfect. The food was perfect and the company was more than perfect.

The desert was, and this was felt unanimously around the table, as simply orgasmic. Adri actually said she might give up sex for it, or was it Dewi? And you know what, i actually considered it too. But after we finished it, i'm not sure if we were all standing by over suggestion *grins*. So, the desert gives you calories but sex is a good form or cardio, so i guess with both, there's a healthy diet :) The desert was the  sticky date toffee pudding with vanilla bean ice cream and it's worth every cent of the $8 that it's charged. When you take a piece with your spoon, the sticky warm toffee just flows out and with a dip of the vanilla bean ice cream, it was a pure slice of heaven. And then came more gifts! Adri gave me this book called "Talking Cock", the male version of "The Vagina Monologues". The book comes with funny excerpts, illustrations, and funky facts. Joanna got me a really really really cool gift. It was a make-up box (yes, i know) filled with loads of stuff. She went through so much trouble to sorta custom make it for me, i mean she even put a condom in there too! (a pink one!) I was really really touched and they even refused to let me pay for part of the dinner. After that, we all went to The Marriott Hotel to have drinks at The Living Room. Very interesting decor, dark and comfy. It felt good, to be around my close friends and just hangin out. I was having my Apricot Brandy and i guess nothing could have topped that moment. Then, we all split at about 3 am plus. It was a fantastic birthday and i wanna thank all of my friends who messaged and called me to wish me. Thanks alot for reminding me that i'm growing older *smiles*

On Saturday, Su came all the way from JB to see me and it was so fun to see her. The last time I saw her, it was prom night and that was about 4 months ago. It was great to chill out and talk about old times and we had Buffalo wings and huge burgers at Billy Bombers. Though, they didn't have my fave Pink Pussy Cat or Pink Pussy Foot drink. She got me a Zara top too! But it was $50 and I wouldn't have paid that much for it. I sorta knew she was up to something and I wanted her to not buy anything but she did. Lunch was great but the movie was well, nothin great. We watched The Prince & Me and it was a bit draggy and predictable and yeah, ever so typical. (i mean, c'mon, look at the title?) Oh yeah, i also lost my camera on Saturday too. Yeah, talk about havin a crazy week.

I really like the new song by Michelle Branch... I think it's called "Till I Get Over You" or somethin like that. George Michael's "Amazing" is way funky too. I heard some of his tracks and they sound fantastic, a mix of clubby and rnb beats. I'm sorta digging those Sophie Ellis Bextor stuff. I find her voice really relaxing and it goes so well with the beats, though i'm usually not into those base and drum stuff. Jay Z's "Dirt Of Your Shoulder", Usher's "Yeah" are cool tracks that have been playin in my head lately. I was thinking of gettin Missy's new album, "This is Not A Test", as i saw the video for her "I'm Really Hot" video and i found the beats kinda wack. Though, i might have to put that urge on the hold, thanks to my ever so increasing debt :)

Well, i better get going. Way tired and so need a shower.
See ya!

Steve.

7 April - Wednesday
7:59 P.M.

Goodbye 18, hello 19?

With only 4 hours away to my birthday, i'm not sure to feel happy or nervous. I have been thinking about it and although 18 was a very crazy year... (i don't think i need to give a recap.. or do i?) and with all that drama, perhaps 19 would be as "exciting". No matter how crazy it was, i did enjoy it. And now with only a few hours away from a whole new year for myself, i feel a bit nostalgic. Pictures of school, teachers, all my beloved friends.. the jokes, the laughter, the tears and also the memories are floating through my head. 18 just whisked away so quickly. I don't think i even had time to register that i was 18. But i know for sure, that i'm gonna miss this year where i learnt and went through so much as well. It was a painful year, with a routine that I abhorred, though it's ironic, that went i think of college now, i miss it. Ok, maybe not the irritating tune that plays at full volume at 7:25 am in the morning reminding us that school's starting.. but all the funny crazy stuff that we did in the class, lecture theaters and the library. Though i was barely in school *grins*, i do have memories about it. I guess, 19 just symbolizes the shedding away of my school years and a new beginning of my working life (i mean, for now, since i might wanna pursue further education.. or wait.. though that's very much dependent on circumstances).

Plus, i got Orion last year. My cute cat that brought so much laughter to the family and brought us so much closer. And with all his antics, i can't believe i was able to survive before, without him. He's not just our pet, but a part of our family.

My personal life was more like a roller coaster ride. I don't think i talked about it alot, solely because i wasn't sure if i was comfy revealing so much to people out there that i didn't really know, but i did start saying stuff last year. Although i didn't tie myself down to any particular person, i did casually date a few people and i did go quite far with perhaps, 1 or 2 people. But that was about it. Once my exams came closer and when i had the whole music thing that took over all my attention, there wasn't really alot happening in my personal life. Though, there were those occasional visits from a someone who did bring some excitement to the boring routine and of course, made me very very busy. At the moment, i have been meeting someone new, nothing serious but just on a casual basis and i have to say that i like it. I have a good feeling about it and i just wanna see how it goes :)

So, this is it. Goodbye 18 and hello 19.

Steve.

4 April - Sunday
4:08 P.M.

Perfect time for some Bjork

Hey :) Another week has gone and it's April. It's crazy how time actually passes so quickly. This week was a bit ok, i guess. A mix of good and bad. I did quite alot of reading this week though. I read this book, Out Of Iran, by Sousan Azadi and it was fantastic. I can't remember when was the last time i actually picked up a book and read it for hours without putting it down. I guess, what it made me realize was that i much prefer non-fiction to fiction. And books that have some political plot or association really interests me. This book was gripping and i just couldn't put it down. I think it really gave me a good perspective of life, love and freedom. I guess i felt i could also understand the problems of the protagonist as i guess, I feel like i'm in a similar situation right now.

This week, i did alot of reflecting. I think i thought alot about life and basically what i wanna do about it. This whole university thing is a blur, though i'm not sure exactly what to do. To be honest with myself, i know my chances are zero or about close to zero, considering the standards here. And i can only make a decision in June, when i get the replies then, about what to do. My parents are quite enthusiastic about the idea of me re-taking the A'levels, since i have a certain amount of time with me right now. Take it as a private student and see how it goes, they said. But i'm not sure exactly what to do. I passed my A'levels, nothing stellar and i know here, it's gonna be tough. And i don't think my dad is really interested in sending me overseas to get a university education. But then, even if he did, would i wanna go? I don't wanna re-take the A'levels because i have time, but i must wanna re-take it because i really want to. You know what i mean? So, i need to figure things out. I know i really wanna do music but i also want a backup. And now i need to decide about a backup, that's all. And a proper one to fall back on. Well, i guess i'll have to see how it goes.

I watched Taking Lives yesterday, and i guess i could say that i was disappointed with it. I expected a better plot. I mean, the thriller plots can be a bit too predictable and the annoying thing about this movie was that it was just too predictable! And i got a good chance to look around Tiong Bahru Plaza as i've not been there for such a long time. Though, i don't think i would be going there for a very long time... let me just say that i didn't really like the dinner i had yesterday. It was way too spicy.. and the toilets are... freaky. *grins* Anyway, after a movie and alot of drama after, i was at Orchard, chilling with Adrianna. She was in charge of this Rock thing at the Youth park and i was just saying hi to her. We had coffee and were chilling till about 11 or something. But i was really shagged last night... i think i woke up at about 5:30 a.m. on Saturday morning, so i was sorta glad to come home early.

It's scary to think that i'm gonna be 19 in just a few days. 18 itself was such a crazy year and i'm not sure what the hell to expect from 19. Plus, 18 is between 17 and 19 and you don't feel like a teen or an adult, more like in between. But 19 is just 1 year away from 20, which is like a whole new different digit and 2 X 20 is 40! Okay..... i'll stop *grins* I guess, i don't feel 19. I still feel 17 and i don't know, young. I think so far, 18 was the craziest time of my life, and perhaps, the most fun, to date. I became very close to Joanna & Adrianna, 2 people that have helped me soo much, in so many ways. I met alot of cool new people in SAJC like Su, Adriel, Grace, Marianne and so much more. I did alot more performing, for school and also for the prom. I wrote some songs that i'm very proud of, like Yes, Sir!, Salem's Dusk, Open Mind, Just Imagine, Hold Up The Drama & Insomnia. I got to know alot of new things about the people around me, such as Bal, Rohai and even Jinesh. I sent Go Figure overseas and i had this new web site up. I also found out that i had a great interest in Political Science. I received an offer for a record deal and i went to New York and Baltimore twice and i also got Orion. 18 was a good year. There were bad stuff too, and those out there who know me, probably know what i'm talking about, but i'll try to focus on the happy stuff for now though. And most of all, i think i've grown up alot too, with all that has happened in this past year. Oh yeah, and let's not forget all my Sex & The City DVD's. *grins*

I guess i'm gonna enjoy my last few days being 18 and try to prepare myself for 19. Well, my plans once i turn 19? Hrm... start my dance classes, reduce my spending, start my saving, work more on my music and also, try to spice things up in my personal life. I think i wanna do more dating and try to have some fun and i'm just quoting what my second bro told me. *grins* Well, I better get going, i wanna go watch some movies that i've rented and relax a bit. See ya.

Steve.

28 March - Sunday
5:33 P.M.

Nostalgia

This weekend was actually really good. Ok, i didn't accomplish alot, actually i didn't accomplish anything, but i really had a good time resting at home. Of course resting = lazing around. All i did yesterday was laze and watch loads of Sex & The City. I rented 5 movies from the store, but i watched 1 last night, but i obviously can't watch all in a day or something. I have to admit something though, after resting and just doing my usual thing, i realize how much i miss my life, my own routine and basically, my old life. It's a new phase in my life, or should i say chapter, and it would end eventually, but i guess till then, i'll just have to put up with it. I'm not depressed or anything, i'm just trying to cope.

I might be meeting Adrianna later, and that's great, cuz i think the last time i saw her was like last weekend. Plus, simce she's goin overseas for so many things, i do wanna spend as much time with her as posssible and stuff.

Well, i have to go now, got a few stuff to read and well, i'll leave a message on Tuesday, if i can :)

Steve.

23 March - Tuesday
8:05 P.M.

Wait A Minute?

Hey, it's my first book out day this week and i'm kinda glad. I had quite an early day today as i was able to leave camp at 12 noon due to the fact that I had a doctor's appointment. It went quite ok, though i'm under heavy medication for my lungs for the next 6 weeks or so. Well, that means there isn't any resolution to my medical problem and yeah, it sorta sucks. I'm still considered a "pending", and i don't know, but that just makes me sound like a thing, like i'm pending production or i'm pending a decision. Ok, let's move on *grins* So, it was just goin to the hospital and comin back home and I wanna stay home as much as possible on my Tuesday and Thursday book out days, i guess cuz i'm in camp at all other times.

I got the reply that day regarding the audition that i attended, the one for the Music & Drama Company of the Singapore Armed Forces and well, i didn't make it. I sorta had the feeling as my dancing really sucked and i'm not sure if i gave it all in the singing as well, considering that i was sick. I found out that there's a second audition and i was thinking that i would wanna try again, although i did make a resolution that i'd never step into that dance room again, due to the fact that i probably never embarrassed myself so much some where else (though, even if i didn't, they might still not allow me to enter anyway!) But, i decided that i'll try again and i was thinking of going for some dance classes in the weekend or doing something, to improve my dancing. I mean, even if i don't get in, atleast i would have learnt how to dance right? But of course, i'd have to pay for the courses myself. So, i just launched a major Save Money campaign, on myself. I actually cut my phone messages today, to about 1 or 2 and all my calls today have been incoming calls. Okay, i did spend some money buying cookies but apart from that, i think this program is going quite well. Once i pay my dad all the money i owe him, i could start saving and also try to finance some courses, be it dance or a new language. I don't know, but i just wanna do something that would further myself, in this 2 years or so.

I'm trying to think of stuff, i mean, what i'm gonna do to forward my music and what's gonna be my new strategy for it. I think i have another 200-300 copies of Go Figure that i did not send out the last time, when it was released and i think the first thing i'll do is send them off to the addresses that i put on the packages that they are in. I really don't wanna give up this dream of mine and i don't think a day has passed when i've not thought of how it would have been, if things worked out well. Sometimes it feels like the trips, the phone calls and the contract was just my imagination. It never happened and i was just dreaming it. I'm not the regretting sort but i just can't help it. I sacrificed my A'levels for it and yeah, i'm not sure if that was a really wise decision or not. It's not like I don't want a university education or anything, but i really wanna pursue music and i've worked for it for so long and plus, it's always been my belief that if i did do everything that everybody else was doing, then it would be just conforming and not following my instinct and what i've always believed in for so long. Well, now it feels like i'm in this thing alone again. My dad was saying how, after the army, i would probably have to get a job or something and i was like, "but wait, what about further education?" and it was like as if he had no faith in me anymore. I know they wanted me to do well and everything but i screwed it up and fine. I'm just gonna have to move on but i think what sorta hurt, not the fact that he felt that i wasn't even gonna qualify for university education, but more about the fact that he had no faith in me. I don't know if he was kidding or not, but i didn't find it funny.

So, as of today, i've been in the military for 5 weeks and well, i'm a little shagged. I guess, when i'm home, i feel like myself and that's' when everything feels fine. At camp, i'm not really sure what to think. I have lotsa time to myself after 5 or 5:30, but for the past few days, i've just been sleeping alot or just lying down, in my free time. I don't know, i hope things get better. I need to have some constancy in my life right now. I'm not sure how long i'll be staying at this camp, though i heard that it's usually long and i'm not sure what's goin on with my medical status. Anyway, i should probably leave now. I wanna go down to the stores around here, get some ice cream and eat whatever i can find :) I'll be having a dental appointment soon :P

Well, 'Nite.

Steve.

21 March - Sunday
8:27 P.M.

Same old, same old.

It's a sunday and i've been watchin Sex & The City and been chillin out the whole day. And it feels good. Feels like any Sunday where there's no worries and everything's just slow-paced, low key and cool. The weather's really cool today.. it was raining in the afternoon and the sky was moody, it felt like a typical Sunday and i loved it. I loved the lazy feeling of waking up on a Sunday morning and that slow afternoon, when almost nothing happens. I guess at that time, a little drama would be even considered a blessing. And the Sunday's almost over. Well, i gotta get going back to my camp later, i gotta be back by 2330 and i have about 2 more hours at home.

I remember how i used to keep complaining about relationships and complaining about how it was so difficult to find that someone to have that connection with, but then, now when i think about it, i'm not sure if i was actually trying or not. I just realized how apprehensive I am when it comes to meeting new people. I still feel a bit afraid to reveal too much, just in case, or i don't wanna try do too much, cuz then it would like as if i want it soo bad. Are those insecurities? I'm gonna be turning 19 in about 18 days and it's crazy that, i still have so many questions about myself. I think we all have insecurities, something we'll probably grapple with until we come to terms with it ourselves.

Yesterday, i had a mix of great and not-too-great. Okay, i had a great time out, watching a movie with someone and i think it's been ages since i actually felt that good feeling, of going out with someone new, where there's new things to expect and stuff. And after the movie and small-talk, i met Adri at IndoChine. Of course, i had to wait for like an hour plus, before she finished work, to spend that time with her! *laughs* But it was great, i think the last time i saw her, it was like a month or so ago, before i got enlisted and i just couldn't stop hugging her, when i saw her. And it was great, just catching up with her and talking about old stuff. And i think i left the city at about 4 10 am, and i slept at about 5 am. But before that, I got the not-so-great. I checked my mailbox and i got my phone bill for Feb-March and it was crazy. $75. My usual is $35 or at least $42. So, yeah, and i actually wanted to go out to buy things. Plus, lets not forget that i already owe my dad about $430+ for my previous phone bills. So, i decided to institute a new law. From today onwards, Steve Andre Prasad is gonna use the phone minimally, which means, sending only a minimum of 3 messages a day, and will make minimal calls out. I will bring my phone bill down to $40! And i have to. I have been thinking about taking up another language when i'm free, to at least use this time to learn something. I was thinking of either French or Spanish and i checked the prices and believe me, they are a bit pricey. And i think i'll probably pay for them myself too, so i'm gonna have to start saving. Since i'm on the topic of education, i will also be taking my SAT's this year, probably in May. Well, i already sent my University application to 2 Singapore Universities with my old SAT I score but i already paid for this, so i might as well just take it :)

So, i'm gonna be heading off to my mosquito infested bunk and cover my head with the green blanket and probably, try to write an entry on Tuesday. I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday at the Changi General Hospital and i will probably be left off early from work. So far, things are ok, though i still need to get used to the place more, i think. Goodnight!

Ciao!
Steve.

17 March - Wednesday
8:29 P.M.

Back home

So, i'm at a new camp now. Yesterday, i had to say goodbye to the camp at the offshore island and it was sad. I got so attached to the bar and i really digged bein a sort of bartender, that i was disappointed when i heard that i got a posting to a camp, at the mainland. I had to say bye to my bunk mates too and i do miss them. It's crazy how, when i first got enlisted, exactly 1 month ago, i was afraid, so confused and i wasn't sure what was goin on in my life at all. But when i left yesterday, i actually felt a bit sad. I wasn't gonna miss the place, or the bumpy ferry ride there, but i was gonna miss the little experiences, jokes and laughs that made it ok. I remember when i left, i saw one of the most beautiful cloud formations ever. It had cascades of blue and, it was about to rain heavily as i could see the dark clouds moving very quickly and at the point where it met the sea, it looked like a postcard. And there i was, standing infront true beauty and i was taken aback. And that was it. I left. I went on the ferry and got home ASAP, which was at about 3:45. In the evening, i met Dan, who i've not met for like 2 years and we had Sakae Sushi and it was so funny that he doesn't remember that place although, when i first went out with him, he introduced me to Sakae Sushi! And then, we watched a really really sucky movie, Timeline. And no, it wasn't my choice or even his as well! We wanted to watch The Butterfly Effect, but the stupid guy at the counter gave us tickets for Timeline!

Today was my first day at this new camp and i found out that i'm a store man. So, i'm sorta handling a store at this camp. Handling would be just making sure that everything's in it's place and stuff like that. It was more of an introductory day for me though. I was the newbie and everything was new. It's quite near my place, which is good and it seems ok for now :) Though, i'd have to see how it goes though, as the days go by.

I was wondering, when we date or fall in love with people, do we leave a piece of ourselves with them? Will we always have feelings for people who we have gotten serious with in the past? I was just thinking about it as sometimes i might stop thinking about someone, but some memory or even a conversation could bring everything back. Maybe, no matter how much we move on, there would always be a part of you with that person, or vice versa.

I feel generally good. I feel like i'm taking every day as it comes and i think i'm learning new things everyday, which is good. Well, this weekend, i'd have to apply for my University and i've gotta do some errands. I also wanna go catch a movie, if i can. Anyway, i should go now, i'll write again :)

Steve.

14 March - Sunday
5:18 P.M.

To Spain

I was very disheartened by what i read that day in the news. To the people of Spain, i mourn with you and my condolences to all the families and people that were affected by the trauma of the incident. Although i'm in camp, i still try to keep up with the news and what i read and saw that happened in Madrid, was terrible. As a human being, i feel sad and sorry. Well, i guess it just made me think about how life is so precious and how it's so uncertain. It also reminded me about how i guess, i need to live every day to the fullest. I guess it sounds so cliché' but i don't know, but it sorta makes sense to me.

Well, yesterday was my second book out weekend and by the 16 of March, I would have been in the military for 1 month already. I guess, i'm handling it alot better now. I'm still out of course and still under loads of medication. You can say that i'm still pending medical review and i hope the doctor finds out what's wrong with me, with all the chest pains and everything. At the moment, i'm attached to a bar/lounge called The Scabbard at an offshore island, across Singapore. Due to my medical status, i can't do anything physical and so, i'm just handling the bar there and you could say that i'm sort of a bartender though there's not much mixing of drinks done yet. Im' just serving beers and stuff at the moment as that's what the officers usually want. But coming this week, there is a big function and there's alot of cool drinks, so i guess i might learn some cool new mixing.

I missed home alot, that's one thing for sure. But thanks to my cell phone, i'm still talking to all my best pals, Joanna, Adri, Jinesh, Rohai, Su, Mari and everyone else. And of course, to my parents. Yesterday, i had really good time with Joanna. She came over and we hung out watching Season 5 of Sex & The City and then, we went out for dinner at Sakae Sushi and then, i wanted to go to the airport to post somethin, but stupid me, i brought the item but no address, so in the end, i couldn't even post it! Anyway, so we had tea and candy at the airport and took a bus back. It was really good, having my civilian side back and just doin low-key stuff. And today, i just relaxed and watched loads of TV, are onion rings, ice cream, strawberries and raspberries.. and it felt so good :)

I have been writing quite a few tracks and i have almost finished this new track called Salem's Dusk. Quite an abstract song, but i have to say a total shift in genre. But i'm really proud of it. You know, when i first got enlisted, i had to have my hair cut really really short.. and i'm talkin almost skinhead short. Then, it sorta grew to a length that i was quite satisfied with and i actually got some compliments for it, but then, 3 days ago, i had to have it cut short again! I don't know, but i don't think i was ever a short hair person. I mean, on alot of other people, it could suit them, but on me? Hrm.. i'm not sure. So, yesterday, i had my beanie on and looks like i've gotta get more beanies as i think i can't be wearing the only 1 i have all the time!

Guess what i'm listenin to right now? I'm listenin to William Hung's version of She Bangs and this is the hip hop remix and i gotta say, i like the music. Well, i gotta give it to the guy, he's got some spark and appeal. I heard he got a record deal and there's gonna be a music video that's gonna be released of his She Bangs version. And he's havin an album released too.
*grooves to She Bangs*

Ha!

I have to say that i'm coping better now, in the military. The first few days were crazy and i don't know if i could emotionally handle it all. And there was so many things rushing through my head. But i guess, now i'm using this time to reflect and think alot of my life, and my future as well. And with the writing, i guess it's helped me alot. I got my A'level results that day. I couldn't go and get them myself as i was really sick, so my mother went and got them for me. I got a BCO, a B for Literature, C for History and a O'level pass for Economics. I wasn't surprised about the Economics as i know i deserved it, but i was a bit disappointed with the History results as i expected atleast a B for History as that was like my favorite subject. I got a B for my General Paper, also known as English and i got a C for my Tamil. And lo and behold, i actually got a distinction for my Tamil Oral. How the hell i managed to pull that off is still a mystery to me. So, i did pass the A'levels generally but my parents are quite upset that i wasn't able to get an A level pass for Economics, instead of the O level pass that i ended up getting. But i mean, i know that i wasn't givin my all to the exam, as a whole, as i was so distracted with the whole record deal thing and i guess i had no much of a reaction to the grades as i was very certain that it wasnt' my full potential. My parents still want me to apply for university in Singapore and to see how it goes and i'm gonna do that. I still have my place in the Maryland University and i guess i'll just keep that and see how it goes.

Anyway, i should be going now, i've gotta start packing my bag and stuff :) So, i'll try my best to write something next weekend.

Ciao!
Steve.

6 March - Saturday
5:12 P.M.

You paint a perfect picture, and you expect the best, but what is shown outside might not be what's really inside

Well, I'm back. And I've got so much to say. Well, the army... hrm.. I don't know, but I think I can't cope with the regimentation. On the first 4 days, I went for all the physical training and I had a swim test and I passed it as well. But on the fourth day, I became very sick and I reported sick and i was given like tons of medication. And i was excused from all physical activity for like 5 days. But after 5 days, i still didn't recover. I was sick and i had this sharp pain on my lungs and back. The pain was really excruciating that at times, i couldn't even move my right hand. The first few days was hell. I don't know, but i had to get myself mentally prepared for everything. I don't think it actually sunk into my head that i was in the military. I missed my mum, dad, brothers and Orion. I think on the first night i couldn't sleep and i was sorta depressed for quite a few days. I was excused again from physical activity for another 5 days and i was on steroids for like 10 days or so. But i wasn't really recovering. So, i had to report sick again for the third time and this time, the doctor said that i was way too sick and that i had to be put out of course. So, at the moment i'm still in the army but i'm out of course which means that i can't do anything that the other recruits are doing but i'll be doing administration stuff in the Company office. So, i've been out of course for like the past 3 days or so.

It is a different life and a whole different routine. I couldn't leave the camp for like 3 weeks so I could only keep in contact with all my family members and friends through my cell phone and through public phones. The weather at the camp (which is at an island about 15 minutes from Singapore) is freakin hot and the first time it rained there since i got enlisted was only like 3 days ago. I guess it was quite difficult for me to get used to it. I was very confused about everything. I mean, I had to tell the recording company that couldn't go on with the contract and I also have to cancel or postpone my place at the University of Maryland Baltimore County. Well, now that i'm out of course, i'm not really sure what's gonna happen to me. The medical officer at the camp referred me to a lung specialist at a hospital in the mainland and this was due to all the severe asthma attacks i was gettin and the sharp pains that I was having on my right chest and my back. But until the medical condition is sorta determined, i guess i would probably still be "out of course".

I met quite a lot of cool people though. I mean, i got close to some of my bunk mates. My buddy, Jason is really cool and for the first 3 weeks, we actually had fun hanging out together and talking and stuff. But now that i'm out of course, i don't really see them often. And i do miss their company. And then, there's this other guy, Elvin, who comes up with like the wackiest and dirtiest jokes that it's cool to have him around. I think as a bunk, we sorta clicked and there's no politics or whatever. Well, i've been in the military for 3 weeks now and well, i'm not sure if it has actually sunk in into my head that i'm in the military and am a recruit. For the first few weeks, i was just sweeping floors, cleaning toilets and filling up water bottles and stuff, since i was excused from all heavy duties. Whenever I was doing anything, I reflected alot about life and everything, about my relationships with my friends and family and also my music. I also managed to write a song in camp too. I'm currently working on 2 more. One is called Salem's Dusk and it's a bit abstract but it's sorta like a reflective track. Whenever i was sweeping the floor or somethin and when i saw a Singapore Airlines plane flying above, it would remind me of my dad which sorta made me thought of home. On the second week, parents were allowed to visit and my mum visited me and brought more supplies and stuff.

I don't think i mentioned about the music audition i went for right? Well, 2 saturdays ago, i went for a music audition for the Music & Drama Company of the Singapore Armed Forces. They were quite interested and sent a letter to my camp to excuse me and allow me to leave the place. So, i went for the audition with Rohai and well, i think i sucked! Firstly, i was just recovering from a sore throat, secondly, i had no time to practice and thirdly, i was tired and i sorta rushed from my camp which is in an offshore island from Singapore. The singing was ok and i thought the acting was ok too, but the dancing... let's not talk about it. I think if they did chose me, it would be to clean the freakin dance floor! It was so embarrassing. And I thought the judges were sorta out of line as they were scrutinizing Rohai and asking way too personal questions. I don't think i have good chances but i'll just wait and see.

Anyway, i should be going now :) I'll leave a message in the weekend!

See ya!
Steve.

16 February - Monday
12:45 P.M.

This is it.

Well, i haven't been able to write anything on the site, due to the stuff that's been goin on here. But well, i guess, all i can say is that, i don't think things are working out. Nothing wrong with the US side but just a few problems here in Singapore. I don't know if this life that i've always wanted, wished and worked so hard for, was ever really meant for me to begin with. Somehow, i wasn't able to get myself deferred from National Service in Singapore, due to the fact that i was not 17 1/2 years old or a scholar. Somehow, there's a rule that states that you've gotta be 17 1/2 years younger or something. And i'm not eligible for that. So, i have to say no to the contract and to the University. And yeah, that's what's goin on now. Well, as one of my friends said, shit happens. But i guess i never expected this to happen. And well, i guess sometimes, you do plan life and do everything, but it just doesn't work out that way. Now, i guess i feel like i'm not sure of anything anymore. I'm not sure of what the future holds for me, and i'm not sure if things are gonna get better.

I will be going in to the military tomorrow. And i'll have to be at the pick-up point at about 7:45 or so. And i know i'll be at the camp for about 2 weeks, without gettin out. Then, i'd be able to get out. This would last for a month or so, if i pass a physical test. So, this is basically a physical training. Then, if i do, i'll be able to get out earlier and then, i'll have to go for a basic military training, which would last about 2 months and 2 weeks. And after that, i'd be posted to something else, of which i would'nt know now. But i'll be in that camp for the next 2 years or so. Yup, that's what it's gonna be like.

My parents and friends have been supportive. I mean, they've been comforting and stuff. I guess, i've been quite silent and abit aloof as i have been thinking about lots of things in my life.  I guess, something that's so difficult for me to absorb is the fact that i'd have to give up everything for this. And i guess, that's the difficult thing.

Well, i don't know when i'll be able to write anything here, or how long till i would be able to. All i hope is that, it would be soon. I'm still gonna be writing and doing music and there's always gonna be updates about that. I have recently finished some songs and stuff. But i don't think i'll be able to write anything when i'm the camp or stuff. I'm gonna try and get over this and i'm sure that, i hope that, things would get better. To everyone out there, who's been so encouraging and stuff, thank you so much.

Looks like i'm signing off, for now. But i'll be back. I promise.

Steve.

04 February - Wednesday
2:21 P.M.

Splitting headache

I don't know but, things are not goin as planned or in the speed i want it to go. I'm not sure if i'm entirely in control of things anymore and i'm not really sure what to do. And to topple that, i have this splitting headache. It's been quite an eventful day so far. I just got off the phone with the director of the company just now. It seems there are certain things that needs to be resolved. And i'm not sure if it can be accomplished before i leave. Sorry for being so vague, i really can't give any details of what the exact thing is all about, but it's just that it's fucking my mind up. I mean, i have this plan - this list and it's not really working like that right now and i'm just not sure if it would all turn out ok or not. Plus, i really have no one to talk to about this right now. And it's sorta bothering me inside. I just feel sorta helpless.

Yesterday, i had the worst night's sleep in this week. I kept tossing and turning and i woke up about 5 times. Maybe that's the reason why i feel so fucked up. Maybe all i need is a drink and some rest. For the past few days, all i've been doin is sitting by the phone, talking and waiting and discussing stuff. And really, i feel tired. I didn't feel like this yesterday, but i do today. It's 2:27 P.M. now and i can't leave my room cuz i'm expecting a few calls soon. I just extended my stay here for 2 more days. So, looks like i'll be checking out on Friday morning, and i'll be reaching Singapore on Sunday. And i so gotta settle alot of stuff. And i miss all my friends back home - people i could call for help, whenever i wanted to. *groans* and that damn headache's just not leaving me.

I'm just gonna go back to my room and try to rest. See ya.

Steve.

02 February - Monday
6:21 A.M.

Mornin' :) I had quite a good night yesterday actually. I went out to get some dinner and stuff and i got quite alot of stuff free, due to the fact that the shops were closing early cuz of the Superbowl. I got three large raspberry cookies for free, and 6 large meatballs for only $1. Yeah! I couldn't do much yesterday cuz it was a Sunday. I feel so fucking lazy. I couldn't even get a good night's sleep due to the fact that i had so many things in my mind. I don't know but today, i'm NOT switchin on the TV and i'm just gonna read and do my stuff. Yesterday i watched the 4th last episode of Sex & The City and it was great! And on TNT, it was Super Charmed Sunday and though, i'm not really into charmed, i just thought i'd watch it for awhile. The MTV here is cool. I've been sorta hooked to The Real World and VH1. There's this video by Nickelback, "Someday" which totally rocks. The song totally rocks too. Finally, i found the name of the song!

Well, the plan for today is to go to the school, get my confirmation, visit the campus, update my name.. blah blah blah and perhaps, if the director feels better, i'll meet him today. But even if he can't, i'll probably meet the other members of his staff and perhaps look at the offices, recording studios and stuff like that. But so far, it's been quite a good trip. Haven't accomplished everything i want to, but i'm gettin used to this place. I've been out everyday, learning the streets and exploring the places. So, it's been quite insightful actually :)

I so miss Orion. I heard from my mother yesterday that he was on my bed, sleeping the whole time and i was like, "awww". I don't know what i'm gonna do when i come here and not see him for a long time.

Well, i was thinking that if i had any free time today, i might go to the Museum today and just check out what's goin on there. I know there was an Egypt display goin on, but i'm not sure if it's still on though. But i guess, today, i'll be doing some stuff. I really want to! You know, i do miss my family alot. And my brother's birthday is tomorrow, so it's sad that i can't be there. I was thinking of searching for a cool gift for him, and i probably would do that today :) I really do wanna get him something cool, i mean, he is 24 now, or will be in a day. I'm getting attached to this place, the air, the smell, the people, the roads, so i do miss home, especially my family. I mean, i love music and i'm so grateful for this opportunity, but i don't know if i can live all alone like this without my family. Living all alone is one thing, having no one to talk to is another. Well, i'm sure things would get better soon. Generally, i feel good about things and i just hope that everything will turn out ok :)

Anyway, i should be going now, before the traffic get's bad. It's a monday and i bet people are rushing for work. I'll try to leave a message soon :)

See ya!
Steve Prasad.

31 January - Saturday
3:26 P.M.

Well, it's been quite a good holiday/business trip so far. Though, there hasn't been that much business goin on. So, this is my fourth day here and well, i hope i can accomplish whatever i'm supposed to by Wednesday, which is my last day. I hope i don't have to extend my stay here as i really do miss home alot. Actually, staying here and settling stuff all myself has allowed me to get used to just being by myself. Which is good, i mean, i need to be independent. I miss Orion alot though. At home, i would usually be fussing around with him, giving him food or just brushing his fur and now, it's like cold turkey, not seeing him at all. It's cold turkey with my Sex & The City addiction too! They are showing the 6th season here but i think i missed the episodes that were shown on the weekdays. It's on 8-9PM and i'm usually out :)

It's quite a cool feeling, to be able to do stuff myself, call & get information myself and to get the food and run all the errands myself. I think it's a good opportunity for me to take care of myself. Yesterday, i walked around the city for about 3 and a half hours. I was supposed to meet the Director of the company yesterday, but he was sick, and he's still sick today. So, i might meet him tomorrow or Monday, but it really depends on how fast he recovers from the flu, which i hear is still spreading around here. I'm still on my medication which is really helping and i'm glad i actually went to the University hospital that day. Since i couldn't meet the director yesterday, i ended up taking a nap and i went out at about 6pm and i walked all the way down to the Little Italy. I don't know though, but it didn't really look that Italian like, though, i've never been to Italy, so i'm probably not that of a good judge *grins* But i was expecting like a tiny coliseum or something or maybe some gondolas. There was a statue of Caesar and Italian flags surrounding the vicinity, and loads of Italian restaurants. But that was it.

Since i came here, i've been trying to get a bottle of Apricot Brandy, but it seems almost impossible to get it! I went to 3 liqueur stores and also the bar at the restaurant in my hotel. And they don't have Apricot Brandy. Maybe i'll just have to drag my ass all the way to Holland and get the freakin thing there since the one I want is manufactured there! Well, just in case, any of my friends are reading this, let me just say that the perfect birthday gift for me, would be a bottle of that. *hint hint* I mean, you have about 3 months or so to locate it, no biggy. *grins* They have peach brandy, but i've tried it before and it's not as good as Apricot Brandy. *urgh*

So, I sorta explored the Little Italy and walked all the way down to Broadway street, which had quite a few bars and joints there to hang out in. There were quite a few cool shops there but alot of them were closed, so it was quite a pity. Then, i walked all the way to the Whole Foods supermarket around the Little Italy and got some dinner, ice cream and more Blackberries. I got some meatballs, salmon cakes and ribs for less than 10 dollars! So, it was quite a fruitful evening yesterday, though it was fucking freezing and of course, i had to forget to put my gloves on, so when i got back, i couldn't really feel my fingers! I think it was -6 or -8 degrees Celsius or something. I remember looking down at the sea at the port and the surface was frozen. There is still ice and snow everywhere. Bummer. One thing for certain, i really need more winter clothes. After my venture outside, i came home, ate and slept.

Well, i'm not sure what to do today though. It's Saturday and most offices and museums are closed. The university is closed too. Plus, tomorrow is the Superbowl Sunday and everyone's gonna be staying home to watch that, so it's gonna be a very empty Sunday, in the roads and malls and stuff. The Superbowl's in Houston, and there's quite a few cool performances scheduled for it. I think Nelly Furtado's performing too. Maybe i might just catch it and try to "get into" the Superbowl mood. Though i really don't understand how the hell the freakin game works. hrm.....

I feel really sorry for Joanna. I heard from her that she just broke up with her boyfriend. *hrm*. Well, i wish i was in Singapore to comfort her, being her best friend and everything. I feel really bad that i'm at the other side of the globe and i'm not there for her to pour things out. I did talk to her just now, in the morning, though not for long, due to the crazy cost. But i felt like i had to, cuz i needed to know how she was doing. Well, Adrianna's single, and now Joanna's single too. So, looks like we can form our own singles club now, which i'm sure i'll be a member for a very long time.

Well, i've gotta go now. I need to check out some information about some stuff and go read my contract and write out more questions.
See ya later.

Steve.

29 January - Thursday
4:52 P.M.

Snowed In!

Well, so here i am in Baltimore, Maryland. Well, it was quite a crazy ride, that i can tell ya. From Singapore to here, it took me 30 hours. When i reached Amsterdam, it was 0 degrees Celsius and when i reached New York, it was -6. So, you can imagine how fucking cold i felt. My flight to Amsterdam was ok. I was so damn tired, as on the day of my flight, all i was doing was errands, confirming stuff and packing. So, i barely had any rest. The plane ride was damn squeezy and i actually took the last seat in the economy class! Yeah, you could say that it was luck. So, there i was sandwiched for like 14 hours sleeping and waking, sleeping and waking...

From Amsterdam to New York, the flight was fantastic! I had 4 seats to myself, the food was much better and i was totally enjoin it. Plus, for desert, i was served the Twix ice cream. I liked it so much, i asked for another one. I never knew it was so good! Go try it. Well, from New York, it was basically lunging my luggage from A to B and making sure my balls didn't freeze. I managed to get a train ticket to Baltimore, where i slept and missed my stop and found myself on my way to Washington D.C. I know. Well, i stopped at the BWI station and took a train back. Thank god it only costed $5. Well, when i finally reached my hotel, it was 4p.m. and i was totally shagged. After a long hot shower and after settling my stuff, I went out for a walk to get some stuff. There was snow every fucking where. I didn't know that it was gonna be that snowy. In NY, it was snowing and i heard 6 people died due to the snow. *eeek* Yeah, it was chilly. -6 is no joke. And that was in the morning. Could you imagine the night? I'm not gonna even imagine Alaska.

I went out to get some groceries last night and went to the Safeway. It's as big as the Carrefour in City Hall and the choices were fantastic. I got some bread, juice, pears, loads of berries, blue, black and ras. I just felt i needed to get the fridge filled with healthy stuff this time, just for once :) Of course, this morning i was true to myself and indulged in probably the nicest brownie i've ever tasted. Well, it's not exactly a brownie but a "Blondie" but it looked like a brownie and was in a slab like shape. And i got the largest chocolate chip cookie and i just sat there and ate. I think that was probably the highlight of the day for me, so far. I liked it so much, i packed 2 more of the blondies and yeah :)

Well, this morning i visited the University of Maryland Medical Center. I was feeling so sick that i felt that i had to do somethin about it. Well, i feel much better now, so that's cool. I could barely breathe this morning. Anyway, it's 5:10 P.M. now i'm gonna be heading off to check out the malls :)

I'll see ya later!
Steve.

26 January - Monday
9:26 P.M.

Sex, sex & more sex!

Sex & The City has become a staple for me now. I have to watch at least 1 or 2 episodes daily and usually it doesn't stop at that! Cuz, i'll keep watchin & watchin and yeah. I have the say that the show has opened my mind tremendously, considering that it allows us to look at the female & male sexual psyche in a very honest and straight foreward way. Alot of the stuff that they show and talk about really does happen in real life and i think the show potrays the normal sexual lives of human beings. So, apart from watching Sex & The City and lazing around, i don't think i have been doing anything really that productive. Though, i've been spending loads of time with friends and i'm really glad that i'm able to share this time with them. I spent a day out last week with Adrianna and Joanna is coming over to my place in a few minutes and i'll probably be hanging out with Nesh tomorrow or so, depending on the timetable.

It's quite scary thinking about how in a few months, things are gonna change so drastically. My friends in college who are gonna be gettin their A'Level results would be making decsions like going abroad to study or staying in Singapore. This would only be for the girls. Most of the guys would already be in the Army. It's a drastic change, as everyone's gonna be doing their own thing and we are all gonna be meeting new people, doing new things and experincing new stuff. I think this little limbo period is probably one of the best period in my life right now, as i feel carefree and i don't have to worry about school or the future but just enjoy this break. Plus, i'm really not sure what the future holds for me. I mean, i'm not even sure exactly when i'll be moving to USA. So, it's all a bit uncertain.

I got accepted into the University! I found out a few days ago when i called them and i can't wait to go there to check out the school and see what it's like and stuff. It's in Baltimore but i'm not sure if it's far from where i'm staying which is in the Inner Harbour area. I already got my flight ticket today and i'm quite excited. I'll be calling the airlines later and list myself for the flight to New York and i hope i'll be able to leave by tomorrow or Wednesday. You know what, i feel excited and i feel great. I think feeling excited is a positive thing and i'm glad, considering the fact that i was havin cold feet and i was hearing all sorts of stuff that made me wanna think about things proper. Well, Joanna's on her way and i gotta go.

See ya!
Steve Andre.

20 January - Tuesday
9:10 A.M.

Oh Come All Ye Faithful

What a night! Yesterday, I ate so much, I could barely walk. It was great day actually. Although, I only had about 2 hours of sleep, it was great to have Adrianna over. We had such a good time just chilling and taking loads of pictures on her digital camera. We ate at Ganga's, this indian restaurant in Little India and it is my third visit there this week! I actually are 3 buffets in a week. well, i thought i deserved it considering how i actually lost weight and i feel that i should put on a bit more here and there. It was quite cool just talking to her, about school, work, sex and about almost everything :) I was quite touched that she would spend her off day with me, considering her work schedule.

Anyway, I'm off to do some work, gotta write some letters, fax some stuff and yeah.

Steve.

19 January - Monday
7:36 A.M.

6 Things I Hate.....

I've been listening to alot of Bjork that I have to say that i'm mystified by the style that she portrays in her work - the silky smooth voice that bends and warps with the movement of the rhythm - the mumbling that she does so easily at the beginning of the song but sounds like a prelude to the magnificent song to come - the drum beats that are slow, addictive, nostalgic and sound so peaceful that it just vibrates through your skin and conquers your brain... it just flows so easily that it takes you by surprise but holds on to your attention till the end, when you just want more. I think what i'm really awed by is the simplicity that she puts forward. The beats, the lyrics, the style and everything just blends. If you really wanna hear some cool tracks, check out Pagan Poetry and Cocoon.

Anyway, yesterday was a day i dedicated to sleeping. I slept and woke up in the afternoon, did some writing and slept at 5 and the next time i woke up, it was 11:50 A.M. I had errands to do and here i was procrastinating. Well, atleast i wasn't doing something i wasn't good at. Well, i made a list of things i gotta do before my flight and yeah, i'm gonna get to it today. Adrianna's comin over today, so that's gonna be cool. We are probably gonna have lunch at my place, chill, watch some Sex & The City (Definitely!) and play with Orion. She's never been here before, so i'm kinda excited to show her around.  And yeah, i told her that the requirement would be for her to wear the skirt I bought her - it's a tiny skirt that resembles the one Christina A wore in the Dirrty video. Ha. I know, when i saw it, i could practically imagine her in it. So, i thought what the hec? Actually, i bought her a top with it as well, but i don't think she'll wear both together. The top's a bikini.

I decided to make a list of things i hate - I don't know why but the whole of yesterday, i was thinking about the stuff that bothered me and yup, here it is, all in a nicely complied list. They are not ranked in any order or degree of hate. Probably, i hate them to the same degree.

1.  When people smoke and blow it in my face...

You know, this really fucking irritates me. Sometimes when walking down the road and someone just blows or exhales the smoke in my face, it annoys me. I mean, you couldn't find another corner to blow that? Of all the places, my face screamed "blow it here?". I also feel that it is disrespectful and though I don't really dig cigarettes, cuz it's bad for the throat (well, it is sorta bad for my throat and it doesn't help when i need to sing) and also because I don't really like the smell, i respect people who smoke and their passion for having that stick in their mouth almost 24/7 but for fucking sake, stop blowing it in other people's faces!

2. Rude shop assistants, waiters, people in the service industry, etc

My dad works in the airline industry and since young he has taught me that to get respect, you gotta give it. And it makes sense. Why would somebody be nice to you, if you're not nice to them in the first place? I've always made sure that i'm polite and nice to people in the service industry, as though i've never been in the service industry, i know i would feel sorta annoyed if someone i was serving was a total bitch and plain rude. If the customer is rude, then if the waiter is pissed, then it gives him or her the excuse. But waiters and waitresses shouldn't be rude to people who behave nicely. Thus, it can be irritating when you meet shop assistants or waiters who are rude. I mean, without the customers, you wouldn't be getting your paychecks in the first place! I once had this fucking rude guy who shouted at me at Burger King, cuz i asked what was in the burger. From then on, i've never visited that joint. Shop assistants, waiters and other people in the service industry who behave rudely just make me feel uninterested in the product. Why would i wanna visit a place that i don't feel welcomed in? I have met my fair share of rude cashiers, waiters and shop assistants and all i can say is that they should take that stick out of their asses and try to be nice. What do you have to lose in the first place? Oh yeah, and i also hate those assistants that quickly arrange the clothes that you just touched or opened up to see properly. That's just freakin' rude!

3. Bumping into people that i don't really wanna bump into

Have you ever had that time when you were out chilling with your friends and you accidentally bumped into some previous fling or interest? Or you bumped into someone that you just weren't expecting? Well, i've had that quite a few times and it's annoying cuz it ruins the mood and atmosphere. Plus, I don't like being the sore one and saying.."Can we get outta here?" as that might be imposing to the rest. So, then, i'd have to try my best to enjoy the night though i know that i'm not exactly 100% enjoying the night. A few months back, when i was with Rohai, Nesh and the gang and we were at this club, i actually bumped into 2 people that i wasn't really sure that i wanted to bump into. And then, after some serious snogging in the toilet with the person that i bumped into, i realized that i actually wasn't interested anymore and that yeah, the attraction isn't' there anymore. So, then comes the uncomfortable "bye" and "avoiding" the person at future occasions. I hate that.

4. When someone watches me reading, doing work..

Okay, do not think that this is absurd *laughs* well, maybe it is, but well, it's me :) Anyway, getting to the point, i hate it when someone watches me when i'm reading or writing stuff. It makes me feel self-conscious. I've had times when I'm doing my homework or when i'm writing stuff on my desk/table and someone comes and just looks at me, from a small distance. Perhaps the person wants to just check on me and see if i'm okay and i guess that's nice but i'm usually aware that someone is watchin me and it takes away my concentration. Plus, it makes me a bit paranoid that the person might be judging me or something.

5. Blood

See, that's why i told my grandmother that i can never be a doctor as i never was comfortable with alol of blood around me. Okay, it's not like i hate blood or anything. I just get uncomfortable when i see alot of blood. If i accidentally cut myself a bit, a little blood is fine. But if it's a horror movie or Kill Bill Volume 1, then i get squeamish. Well, to logically explain this, we'd have to go back to when i was about 8 or 9 years old. One day, my dad and i was riding a bicycle together and we were laughing together and everything was really fun and i remember that my dad was going really fast and the wind was gushing on my face and it felt really good. The next thing i knew, i was crying really loudly and the bicycle stopped moving. The spoke of the wheel went through the part above my ankle and went quite deep in. It almost came out the other side. So, there was loads of blood everywhere and it was scary. My mum also remembers it and says that it was very "bloody". And from then on, i can never really be comfortable around alot of blood. It just makes me nervous and i feel like i wanna pee. Don't ask me why! But it just makes me feel squeamish. That's why i gotta give it up to those doctors and nurses who see it everyday.

6. When people talk AT me

There's a distinct difference when someone talks to you and talks at you and I hate that. As it gives that whole, "i'm better than you" feel and as if that person is talking to some lower being. If you want me to help you, a please wouldn't hurt. I hate it when someone says that "i have to do this" or talks to me like he/she has alot of experience and that i'll only "understand when i get older". That's just plain condescension. And it's a turn off as it doesn't show that both people are on an equal basis. I always believed that if respect was wanted, it had to be given as well. It takes two to tango and two to fuck. Go figure.

Well, that's the list. It just sorta came into my head yesterday and I felt like I should write it down :)

I just had this really cool conversation with Rohai. He's in the Army and it's just scary. Although we had a tiff about something before he went in, but we sorted it out, i just realized how much i miss him. I mean, we had such good times. During SJI or SAJC, we would hang out almost on a weekly basis (maybe lesser on exam periods) and it's just scary that when you get older, everything else changes. I mean, everyone does their own thing. I mean, i never thought that i'd miss those times, the Sushi parties, eating pizza, Gado-Gado together, writing songs and talking about every single thing in the world and just having fun. It's like we take the fun for granted but we never expect it to end. And now, he's in the Army and i'm going overseas and because of all the stuff i gotta do, errands and all, it's so difficult to get time to spend together. I don't know, i just miss the old times when we could do almost everything together and it's crazy how things change so quickly. It just scares me how things can change so quickly. I mean, 10 years from now, we'll be having our own lives and everything's gonna be different. *sigh*

This is probably one of the longest entry i've had in a while. Well, i've gotta stop now as i wanna work on 2 tracks and i'll try to write something tomorrow :)

Steve Andre.

18 January - Sunday
6:01 A.M.

Hooked!

Okay, i'll have to admit it. I'm hooked, hooked to Sex & The City. I just watched the whole first season and yeah, it was fantastic! I mean, yes, i know it's a bit too late, well, the only episodes i've ever watched was from Season 4 but i have to say that Season 1 is great :) Well, i can't remember went i started watchin it, but all i can say is that time flows so quickly when i'm watchin the show. It seems like just mere minutes. Well, i think i should restrain to just one episode a day? I mean, i can't live like this, just glued to the computer, no breaks, no food.. Well, from today, i'm gonna plan my day. I will not put the DVD's in my computer and i will persist! (shit, did i just make a promise?)

Lately, i've been listening to loads of R. Kelly & Bjork (I know, the both don't go right? *grins*) R. Kelly's Thoia Thoing is fantastic and another track called Feeling On Your Booty. And i'm totally diggin Bjork's tracks. Hunter's fantastic and she's got this new track called Pagan Poetry. I just saw the video for that. It's not exactly new or anything, it was released in 2002 but the video was a bit avant-garde and cool. Though, i found the last part a bit too much. In the vid, she's having pearls sewn to her skin (Yes, i know. *gasp*) and her dress stops right below her breasts. It looks very artistic though the last part, it got a bit freaky cuz there was blood and i just can't take that gory stuff, but i must say that i have to give it up for her creative aspect. I always thought she rocked but i have to say that i think she's absolutely fantastic. There's this track called Cocoon and it's so dreamy and it just brings you this whole new vicinity. I really wanna buy all her albums, and i should. I think lyrically & stylistically she's great. And in Cocoon, there's this part where she breathes a bit loud and stretches her voice with the words, "Who would have known?" and it just makes you feel goose bumps.. and i don't really get goose bumps while listening to all types of songs. Bachelorette is probably one of my fave track of hers. Army Of Me, Hidden Place & Hyperballad are probably in the list too. I was browsing through her site and i thought her pictures were fantastic.

It's so weird that it's already the 18th of January. I mean, time passes so quickly. It just felt like yesterday it was New Year's. And in a week or so, January would be over. Freaky to thing about it. I mean, I really didn't accomplish much this month, so it feels a bit nostalgic. You know, one thing i don't understand, is why people tend to have this impression that i have a vibrant sex life or that i'm constantly dating various people. It's like as if they have "sorted me out" and put me in this "category" that spells out that i'm a fucking horny guy. You know what, i wish that was actually true. It's like as if we gotta have these categories cuz it makes the whole society feel safe and like "eveythin is in order". That i don't understand. So, if you're a slut, you can fuck all you want and that's ok. It's ok cuz that's what you are. But if you're sorta the prim and proper type, it's uncouth to think of dirty stuff. I mean, i always thought that it was the really quiet and shy ones that really wanted to have sex like nobody's business and well, perhaps alot of the loud ones too, but it's sorta stereotypical to judge that just because you love to flirt = love to fuck. Hrm..

So, here i am, infront of my computer and i'm bored. What should i do? *ponders* *pops in a Sex & The City DVD*
Well, i'll see ya later!

Steve.

17 January - Saturday
8:15 A.M.

Everybody's fucking?

I feel so damn tired. I don't now why but yesterday was just so draining. I was up from 5:30 a.m. and was running errands till about 2 p.m. plus and was just loitering around and I met couple of my friends, Adrianna & Marianne and then i had dinner with Nesh.  And by the time i got home, it was 11:30? or something like that.
Everybody is working now or doing something productive and I feel so unproductive! Plus, I could do with some cash, so maybe i'll think of something part-time. Urgh. Ok, maybe not.

I just bought tons of DVD's, the first to sixth season of Sex & The City and couple of other movies but my annoying DVD player on my computer isn't working.

I don't know why but the IRC just doesn't excite me anymore. I actually find it a bit of a bore - it's always the same convesations! I can't remember when's the last time I actually found someone that was mentally stimulating.
Anyway, sorry but i just feel too drained to write.. i'm gonna head off for a quick nap..

Steve.

15 January - Thursday
4:19 A.M.

Steve Andre Prasad Ramachandran

Well, from today onwards, I'm officially called Steve Andre Prasad Ramachandran. *grins* i know! It's a mouthful, but well, i didn't wanna leave my indian name out and I wanted to keep my surname too. So, basically, it's just an addition to my existing name :) Well, i decided to get it done cuz it would be easier for copyright purposes in the future and since Steve Andre is used so widely, i might as well have on all my official documents.

Finally, my computer is all done and it's working perfectly now. *crosses fingers* For the past month or so, i've been using my brother's laptop for everything! Like uploading stuff, checking e-mails and whatever and it was damn slow cuz it uses his university dialup. This computer is fast and i have to say that it's very user-friendly. It's a Dell computer and we got it for quite a reasonable price due to the New Year period. So, now i can easily upload stuff to my site.

I was sorta spooked today as my coughing hasn't supsided and when i coughed today, there was blood as well. I think it's probably just that i've been coughing for a very long while and that's why my lungs are sorta sore? I was thinking of seeing a doctor but i just haven't gotten around too. Perhaps i will in the weekend.. I wanted to today, but then, the plans were changed due to the fact that my mother and I planned to go for an Indian dinner buffet at Little India,  a place called Ganga's. However, we decided to bring Orion to the vert instead cuz his fur was getting dry and yeah, and so he was sent to the vet and the doctor said that he had a slight fever with a temperature of 39 degres celcius. Though, how do we know if that's his normal temperature? I mean, he has this perpetual mink coat on him that acts as a heating device. I mean, i won't be surprised if that's his perpetual temperature.

Sometimes i don't know what is goin on in this world. Everytime i read the news it's always a earthquake here, a mudslide there, a plane crash somewhere, a coup in some place and and outbreak of disease somewhere and bad weather that led to deaths somewhere else. I don't know but someimes I ponder what these people would have been thinking in their last few seconds that they had, clinging on their life. Did they think about their friends & loved ones? Or did they just pray to god? It's quite nervewrecking when I think about it. I wish the news actually said good things on a daily basis. I've always kept myself up to date with the news, be it in the papers or by reading it on MSN (though whenever i do read them online on MSN or on National Geographic.com, it's always old news when it's printed in the local newspapers, perhaps 1 day old) and this interest to keep myself up to date with all the political developments in the world was probably fuelled when i came to college cuz my study of history was quite relevant to the global situation now. So, nowadays, i can't even start a day proper if i don't read the newspapers or watch it on Channel News Asia as i really do wanna keep myself acquainted with what's goin on. Though, whenever i do read all the news, i usually feel quite depressed. When i read all the stuff that actually goes on in this world, i wonder where the hell we are heading.. And i have to say, sometimes i get surprised by the stuff that people actually do, like the guy who killed about 48 women? and then there's that murderer who killed hookers and boys and ate them slowly. Do you think the people who do what they do were meant to do that? Was that their destiny? Or did that fuck around with fate and made their own destiny? I guess everyday i'm still figuring out how this world works, be it in practice or perception. Sometimes when I do read the news, i'm not sure if i believe it, as in sometimes it overwhelms me. Like for example, a few months ago, the Japanese created this Dog "Translation" device that could tell it's owner what the dog was feeling and then, a few days ago, the japanese put to work this underground device that could park cars and bikes underground in a space saving and environmentally friendly way. Now that's cool! And i was watching how this machine thingy directed the cars down and they were stacked like sardines. And then, there's that new foreigner scanning program in all the US airports and seaports. I don't know but i'm still a bit skeptical about that. Okay, so you can leave the terrorists out, what then there's that whole thing about privacy and labelling. And plus, already customs take so long, i'm not sure if i'd wanna add a minute more for fingerprinting myself. Though, this is not applicaple for non-visa required countries, and thank god Singapore is one of them. Though, i have to say that the technology is scary. Imagine a system that has fingerprints, photos and information on all travellers? I mean, it's practically a tracking device.

One thing i find quite dissapointing about the people here is their inability to open their minds and be less conservative, when confronted with a totally new or unfamiliar idea or theory. Like for example, that day I was watching Under The Tuscan Sun with Marianne and in the movie, Diane Lane has a best friend, who is a lesbian. Well, there was a scene when Diane and her friend were having dinner when the friends girlfriend came to join them and gave the friend a kiss. It was quite obvious that it wasn't a "Hey girlfriend kiss" but more like a "Hey I'm sleeping with you girlfriend kiss" and once the audience sorta realized that the characters were lesbian, they were like, "Lesbians!" or you could just feel this vibe, like as if they were watching some circus animals in a cage or something and when you point at the animals and you giggle or mumble something to the person beside you. I was like, right.... i mean, It was quite obvious that they were lesbians, there was no need for the crowd to sorta point out that they were lesbians for everyone to sorta get it. I have to agree, that i have met many open minded people in Singapore and that's good, because alot of people have this stereotypical notion that the majority of the population here is very conservative. To an extent, i would have to agree, though i would think that the society is opening up at a slow rate. And i find that people here are unable to understand if someone says that they don't wanna be a pilot, engineer, lawyer, doctor or teacher. It's like as if those are the only jobs in the world!

Guess what i'm doing now? I'm downloading some Hindi songs from Bollywood films! ha. Well, lately i've been humming to many bollywood songs.. I also wanna watch some of the new movies. Believe me, i don't really watch many bollywood films due to the fact that their so long but i guess it's nice to watch beautiful people! I mean, nothing wrong with that? I have to say that the Comedy films are cool, though it can be a bit slaspstick, it's usually quite funny. I'm not gaga about the romance films though, they are fine though i have to say that Devdas was really good. Oh, since i'm on the topic of movies, i have to say that Down With Love is a great movie. I watched it that day and i thought it was fantastic. I really dig those comedy films that are based in the 1950's & 1960's period and i just like the stuff that went on in that era.

Well, i gotta go now :) it's 5:30 and i should sleep soon.. Oh wait, i gotta make some calls first. Well, i'm expecting a friend later in the day, so i should get some sleep. Anyway, take care.

Steve.

13 January - Tuesday
7.00 A.M.

Viaje de Bahrein hasta Beirut?

I'm getting this feeling that things are going to fine. As in i feel confident and i think i'm quite glad that i decided to go on to Baltimore. I think it is probably the biggest decision ever, that I had to make and I think i'm quite glad i made it. Am i going against prophecy? or the gods or stars? Well, i always believed in fate and destiny but i also believed in the power of the mind and will. And I know that no matter what i do, i'm gonna give my all and no matter what happens, i know it would be something that i'll never forget. I guess i suddenly feel driven. I had a visage of memories that came storming into my head last night, and it was about stuff that happened in my life. I totally forgot about how i went for this Camp when i was 14, and also about all my experiences in School. And i remembered how, everyday of my life, for the past 9 years or so, everytime i wrote a song, i hoped that i would be able to one day use for an album that i would make for a company. And now that i have this chance, i'm not gonna let this go.

Lately, i've been having really good outings with my friends. I don't know what i'm gonna do when i go there, and i know it's gonna affect my relationships with the people in Singapore. It's crazy when i think about it, i don't think i've ever been so satisfied with the friendships that i have forged with the people around me and now i'm just gonna leave. That day, i really really had a good time with Joanna. We went out for a Sushi buffet, which was obviously crazy! I think we stayed there so long that they had to come and remind us that there were gonna be closing! After 8:30, they came up to us and told us that they were closing in 15 minutes. After 5 minutes, they came up to us and told us that they were closing in 10 minutes! I mean, it was like they were reminding us to pack our asses and leave. Well, plus we ordered too much food that i actually had to carry some out with me :P Then, after that we went shopping, though we didn't really buy anything. Hey.. wait, i did! I got this really nice chain which had this very futuristic look to it. We were just loitering at Bugis at that point.

For the past few days, i've been a bit sick, actually very sick. I had a bad throat, was coughing like crazy and for 2 days, i couldn't do anything. I was just paralyzed in bed and i just woke up to eat my medicine and sleep back again. So, i just rested alot. Today, i feel much better though. I had some errands to run and i did them yesterday and today. I still have more errands and stuff to do, but yeah, i'll need to organize my week.

My dad is gonna get me the ticket to New York this Friday. It would be an open ticket so I can go anyday from that onwards. I feel quite excited actually, though it's technically not a holiday, i mean, it's more of a business thing. Plus, i won't be sight seeing there as i've done it before so, it's basically gonna be looking at the same thing all over again. One thing I so miss from Baltimore is the Chocolate Brownie Frappachino. Damn, that was fucking good. I think I had a venti almost every 2 days. Plus, it's still winter there, so i might need to do some winter shopping. But i guess, apart from that, i sorta have an idea about what i wanna do there, when i get there. I'll probably have to do alot of planning and stuff soon.

You know, yesterday i had the worst time at Zara. I went there and i was trying some stuff on and eventually, i found something that i totally digged. Actually, i found quite alot of stuff that i totally digged! So, i went to the cashier to pay for it, and guess what? My Mastercard got fuckin declined! I was like, "What?" to the cashier. I mean, i used it yesterday to pay for stuff and it was working. So, i told him to try it again, and again it kept declining!!!! I was so embarrased! And so i told them to reserve it for me, and i'll probably have to collect it today. *grrr* i don't care, i'm gonna call the bank, check the card and pay using that card again!

I feel like making a list of places and countries that i wanna visit in my lifetime. I guess since from a very young age, i've always wanted to explore. I like just going somewhere and finding my way around there. Somethin' like an adventure. Well, i  guess the Middle East is somewhere I really wanna explore.. i always have been so facinated by the art, culture, music and food and especially Egyptology. Firstly, i would wanna go to Beirut. It just sounds so fascinating and it's got loads of history. Isreal, definately. Cairo, Damascus and yeah Tehran. Bahrain sounds nice too! I head Abu Dhabi's fantastic and i saw a picture of the airport and it's looks damn beautiful. I heard it's the best Airport in the Gulf. I would also definately wanna go to Bombay, and check out the stuff there. I've only been to Madras and it wasn't really around the whole place, so Bombay would be great. Hyderbad sounds good too. I've always wanted to visit Shanghai, Tokyo, Seoul and Sydney. I would like to go to Perth too, but i guess only in winter when it's cold.. I don't know but i'm not a summer person. I just hate humid weather and i prefer snow and stuff. And then, there's Moscow. I always wanted to go to the Kremlin and just spend a few days in the city there. It just sounds so magical and so much of history there. Mexico City, Barcelona, Milan, Paris, London, Athens, The Vatican City, Madrid, Prague, Vienna, Istanbul (oh yes, definately Istanbul!), Berlin, Morocco, Chicago, Miami... damn.. i can just go on forever! Well, i hope i'll atleast be able to go to some of these places, considering that the list is so damn long. *sigh*

Well, i gotta go and put up some auctions. I'm obviously in need of funds! *laughs*
So, i'll catcha later :)

Steve.

08 January - Thursday
11:17 A.M.

Pictures from the Baltimore trip:

  

07 January - Wednesday
7:19 A.M.

Now or never

I started painting again, that day. It was the day before New Year's Eve and i just felt this rush of memories - of my younger days. I remember how i used to paint alot before. I suck at drawing people or places but i guess what i really was proud off was the modern art that i did and the abstract paintings. I remember even painting a map of the islands of Hawaii and i was so proud of it. I think i was 12 or 13 or maybe even 14 then. I think I stopped doing all things associated with art when I was in Upper Secondary, 4 years ago, so i was 14 then. I was looking through my art work that was done through the years of 9 to about 14 and it just brought back these surge of memories. i guess, what i really wanted to do that day was to just forget about the present and future but to connect with my past. And it felt good. I painted a picture of some rocks facing the bright blue sea and i called it, "When the Sky Meets The Sea", as there was no point when the sea stopped or when the sky began, they just merged and it looked great, to me. My mum said the waves look great but she didn't know what the "brown thing" was.

The past week was probably one of the most psychologically difficult week for me. I just can't explain but so many things have been going through my mind. Of course, the preoccupation of my thoughts was my music and my life. I took one whole week to ponder and i have to say that after one whole week, i do feel better, but not as good as before. I've been thinking about what I need to do if i do go Baltimore and what i would do if i didn't. What i would miss, lose or give up, if i went or didn't. I needed to look at all factors and i needed to think about it carefully. I know i need to listen to my what my heart's telling me and to follow my gut feeling but i'm not sure if that's enough. And i need to feel 100% sure, when i finally do go, that that's what i really want and that's what i'm gonna do. I guess you're thinking that i'm having cold feet huh? Well, perhaps you could say that, or you could just call it anxiety. But i just felt that i needed a week to reflect. Plus, i have to say that it hasn't been easy, trying to allocate my thoughts properly. I guess i realized that no matter what i chose, i'm gonna lose in some way and i just have to chose a way that i would feel comfortable with. Funny how it's so easy for me to say these things but when it comes to working it out, it's much more difficult. I guess i sorta stepped out from the idealistic concept and i'm trying to think about things in a realistic way. I have heard my family say how i'm an idealistic person and how i live in my own little world. Though, i guess i need that idealistic world, as in reality, i know it's not that easy.

These few weeks, i've realized that i'm learning new things everyday. Not just about things concerning myself, but the people around me and the world. I don't know why, but my senses have been more aware to changes. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

I guess apart from everything, i feel satisfied.

Pardon me for this really abstract entry in my thoughts page, i'm just typing what i've been pondering about in the past few days.

I decided that i'm gonna go to Baltimore again to settle the stuff that i need to. I think i would wanna go by the 11 or 12 of Jan and perhaps spend 5 to 6 days there.

Anyway, i have to go now, i gotta get somethin to eat and perhaps sleep.

Steve.

06 January - Tuesday
5:29 A.M.

Open Mind

So, this is my first entry for 2004. Every time it's a new year, i always feel like it's so surreal. As, everyone's always goin, "Wow.. time flew so quickly.." and yeah, it always does feel that way, and it usually takes a few days for it to sink in that, yes, we are a year older (sort of) and yeah, it's a new beginning. I spent my new year very quietly.. i was watching a movie on my computer and i didn't even know it was after 12! When my dad came into my room to wish me Happy New Year's, i was like, "Uh? it's time already? Ok, happy new year's to you too" and i went back to the movie. I guess i really needed to spend time with myself and the week before that, i was out everyday, or almost everyday, and on all the occasions, i was in the city and it was just too darn crazy that i felt that i wasn't gonna spend the first day of the new year in a crowded arena or club where i can barely breathe.

Anyway, i really wanted to write stuff in my thoughts page, but after Christmas, there's just been so many things to do. Plus, with my weird sleeping time, it's just crazy! I'm perpetually in American time. Speaking of sleep, i have been quite alot of sleep lately, perhaps a bit too much? I stupidly slept through my dinner with Joanna and i made that poor girl wait for quite a while :P Yup, so from today, i'm gonna learn how to use that alarm clock! So, we are having dinner later today and i'm definitely gonna be awake for that! Well, i've been craving for sushi for ages that yeah, nothing's gonna stop me now.

I've been thinking about alot of things - the music, life and everything. When i was in Baltimore, i felt that energy, that feeling that things are gonna be ok and that it was all meant to be. And i guess, in the fast few days, i've been thinking about my decision and everything and i still feel so eager to go and just live my dream. I mean, no matter what people say, i just feel that i wanna follow my gut feeling and listen to my heart. I know it sounds cliché' but, yeah, sometimes life is cliché right?

Lately, I've been shopping alot. I guess you could say that it's good therapy. In this week alone, i bought 8 tops? yeah, about 8. And i just realized that my closet needs more space. I guess when i preoccupy myself with things, i use that time as an opportunity to think about the things in my life and what i need to do and stuff. I watched 2 movies in the cinema though, and i rented quite a few to watch on my computer. So, you could say that i'm living my second dream - being a cough potato. Anyway, i watched Scary Movie and Under The Tuscan Sun and I have to say that i really enjoyed both. Scary Movie 3 was a really really funny and just thinking about it is makin me laugh now.

I also finished writing 2 new tracks, Insomnia & Hold Up The Drama. And then, there's a new one called Open Mind. I've only written 2 lines for Open Mind and i think i'll be able to finish it by today :) I guess one thing that's really good about the time that i have is that i can write songs and do what i used to do before college started.

Anyway, i need to go now. i'm feelin a bit hungry and i wanna go whip myself something from the fridge. Take care.

Steve.