31 December - Saturday
11:33 P.M.

Perhaps 2006

So, this is it, Goodbye 2005. I don't think it has really sunk in, the thought of a New Year beginning, and the old one ending. hmmm. I can remember exactly what I was doing, where I was and every other detail on New Year's Eve last year. I was at Marque's place, at his family's gathering and it was raining. I was excited then - there was someone new in my life, and well, that sorta took away the thought of a year more in the military. 2005 was not punctuated by dramatic stops like 2004. There weren't any overseas drama, great change in lifestyle and choices and above all, no emotional crap. 2005 was actually, quite boring, come to think of it. But it was 'good boring' - I mean, I managed to re-take my A's and still maintain my sanity, while keeping my friendships, considering how little time I spent with friends. I also managed to figure out many things, about myself, my interests and I'm confident about the prospects that I would wanna pursue in the future. I made new friends via night classes and I also learnt that I actually like studying. I also finished writing "Playing Picasso", moved to Loyang and started French lessons this year. 2005 was low-key, but it was good. I survived.

I don't believe in having a ton of resolutions, but I do think that it's good to wanna aim for something or to remind ourselves of the things we should accomplish or do. My resolutions would probably be, to try to be less guarded and to stay true to my goals. I guess it's true when they say that I'm guarded and I should treat all my friends in the same way.

2006 means a lot to me - I get my results, I leave the army, I finally get my freedom and perhaps.... Perhaps.

Happy New Year.

Steve Prasad.

24 December - Saturday
2:01 P.M.

Playing Picasso

Last year, I wrote Salem's Dusk, probably the most personal album I ever wrote, in my opinion. Songs like "Yes, Sir!" and "Vuoto", touched on themes that I've never approached before - and the album was more than just an album - it was a declaration. I was sure of who I was, my views and everything. This was me. I don't think there's any other album, I've written, that has touched me so deeply. I guess, perhaps, I wrote it at a time in my life when I felt like everything was crumbling and as if I had ceased to exist. Half the album was written in my head.. I wrote it while marching, while scrubbing, while sweeping, while standing, eating and pretending. And this album picked me up. I would think of "Yes, Sir!" and laugh and "Nothing For Sure" while looking at the sun setting by the cityscape of Singapore. Just fifteen minutes away - but it felt like a mile.

After Salem's Dusk, I started writing "Playing Picasso". The tone of this album, is very different from "Salem's Dusk". It's not that retrospective and doesn't touch on the macro themes such as life, freedom, nature and control. But it was more micro in perspective, it was about love, sex, wanting and it even bordered cheeky. I guess, there was no more fighting, but acceptance, at that time, with everything that was going on. It doesn't mean that I actually support everything, as that would contradict everything that I uphold, but I started to make the best of what I had and be grateful for what I have.

I started writing it in late 2004 and finished writing it in February 2005. I haven't really written about it, due to that fact that I moved in Jan, and was settling in February and March, April was my birthday and my classes started then too. And I started to focus on my studying. I'm glad I can finally talk about it and even provide the full track listing.

Late last year, I fell in love and it was crazy. Reckless, impulsive and absolutely crazy. But well, we are talkin about me here, so I guess that's all justified. Somehow, I guess expectations got the best of us, and it sorta fell through and so the album sort of resonates the feelings that I felt at that point in my life. Songs like, "Drunk" and "So Dead", talk about infatuation and destructive love. "Playing Picasso" talks about art imitating life, where the brush strokes are specific events, feelings and meanings. "Taken" is about failed love and being lied to. It's not as historical or dramatic as "Salem's Dusk", it's simple and less abstract and perhaps easier to relate to, for people. But that's just my opinion.

Here's the track listing for "Playing Picasso"

01. Anybody Else (Two Years Ago)
02. Breathe Awhile
03. In Transit
04. I Want You
05. I Donít Care
06. Ink
07. Drunk
08. So Dead
09. Playing Picasso
10. The Dead Poet
11. Taken

At the moment, I'm working on a new album, which I have almost completed. I started writing it from the months of April to around August of 2005, but there were only scraps of stuff done here and there and I couldn't put them all together because I was immersed in studying for the A'Levels. But it's groovy, and a bit retrospective. I would probably talk about it once it's totally completed. I would be releasing a new album next year, and the prospective date is February. It would contain tracks from "Salem's Dusk", "Playing Picasso" and previously released, "Go Figure" and also other new ones. I want it to be a compilation of tracks from the past 6 years of my life. And this would be sent to producers, managers and companies world wide and it would be released in conjunction with a new web site.

There would be new photos done, of course. So far, there are 3 themes that I am working on, 'Midnight In Moscow', 'Oriental Express' and 'City Chic'. These themes would tie together with the major theme of escapism. It would comprise of 2 indoor shoots and 1 outdoor shoot and the album cover would come from either shoot.

So, that's the forecast for 2006 :)
Anyhow, Merry Christmas Eve and make sure you misbehave :P

Steve Prasad.

17 December - Saturday
10:25 A.M.

Where do I start?

At one time, the jolt of the capital enthralled me - I felt almost part of the million people squeezed, stuck, together - in one vicinity. Where everything could be done - and almost anything established. That was long ago. I'd rather have the quiet life, in the suburbs, although it might be an hour away from the town. It's nice to open up the windows and see planes - flying. To I don't know where - but at least somewhere.

And so I asked myself this morning... Have I changed throughout 2005? Was this any different? I am ruled by the sovereign nature of my conscience and as much as.. as much as..  I am determined, I have been taking risks. I flouted the "Use only your alias" rule, quite recently. I shamelessly keep encouraging a relationship that is entirely built on the surface. I'm not sure what it signifies. Desperation? Loneliness? But that's crazy, well that's what I told myself this morning.

Perhaps it's just a form of escapism, which I tend to indulge in. It's funny how I have things so under control, that sometimes, I like to emerge in some sort of anarchy. To wreck my brains out. To turn it all upside down. Rip it apart. Tear all the foundations, smash the pillars and break the certainty. *laughs* and to think that I'm writing this, and I'm totally sober.

So, where do I start?
Perhaps, I'll just continue. Another time.

Steve.

14 December - Wednesday
11:32 P.M.

Perfect

Funny how, the people around you, can sometimes morph into totally different individuals. Friends, who you have become so accustomed to, can surprise you, once in a while, with quirks or revelations that perhaps, never struck a cord previously. Okay, so, you have the obsessive ones, the ones who are extremely messy and sleep on "Finding Nemo" sheets, the ones who would crash their car on the side of your porch, the ones who suddenly lose their virginity, after years of strict abstinence, the ones who, out of the blue, profess to have had a threesome, with a couple, etc. And so, when I thought, I've seen and heard it all, this crazy life, or should I say (group of people around me), never fail to surprise me.

But of course, it's this group that is always there, when I need them. Regardless of the drama and well, too intimate details, these guys are always there when I need some advice on what to say to someone or anyone, for that matter....

P: I wanna say something...
R: Well, that's not a bad idea..
P: *sends copy of message*
R: What! Why say such crazy stuff?
P: Well, you said, say hey!
R: Yeah, only hey!

P: I wanna say something..
J: That's good.. perhaps the person is waiting for a message..
P: *sends copy of message*
J: What! I thought you were only gonna say hi!
P: Okay.. looks like I've totally blown it, this time!

And so, what else can I say? So different are they all, but so dear to me :) Perfect, I should say.

 
 

06 December - Tuesday
12:10 A.M.

Not Anymore

I couldn't look into their eyes.. (breathe, Prasad breathe..) As I walked by, their faces reminded me of old instances.. experiences I hope one day I'll forget. (You're so lucky.. do you think you actually deserve it?) And so I walked on. Oops, I'm sorry, didn't mean to bump into you. The green was empowering. Families and girlfriends hanging on their shoulders.

I was on my way to have coffee with Kelvin.

(No, I can't look at this anymore. Stop. I can't breathe. No. NO. NO!) *inhale* *exhale* *inhale* *exhale*

I'm glad I live in the East, I can't imagine going all the way to town for a cuppa. (You probably haven't seen what we have seen. You get to go home everyday? Wow. And you get time off too? And.. wait, why the hell are you complaining?)

Erm.. but I'm not.. I mean, I didn't mean to.. I was just..

And then it all came back. September. Eric. New York. Baltimore, the snow, Day's Inn, the meetings, seafood, Amsterdam, pictures, late calls... home. What about home?

Little did I know eh?

Funny how things can just creep up from behind and invade your consciousness. Even till know, I have not come to terms with exactly what happened, why it happened and perhaps, how I could have prevented it from happening. I was drowning, but still clutching to a straw.

But I'm happy now. Sometimes, I guess I need to think back and learn. I'm gonna be looking forward now. And yes, I'll elaborate more about that soon.

Steve Prasad.

04 December - Sunday
10:29 A.M.

No more hiatus?

And so, in just one second, it was all over. The clouds looked less heavy.. somehow, the noise of the traffic did not overwhelm me, the cars, trucks, motorcycles, people, children, prams seemed part of the surrounding. And on that very moment, I finally regained myself. I finally took control. Of me. My exams finished last week and with that over and done with, I filled my schedule with all the things I have wanted to do for the past 8 months, but have deprived myself with. And with that freedom, I flew to accomplish..

I can't believe I actually re-did it all over it again. It's still surreal. I still remember doing it the first time, but I guess, this time, I did it because I really wanted to, and I was sure why I was doing it. I remember just walking out - and feeling this immense sense of freedom and substance. Would I do well? I'm not sure. Was it all worth it? Hell yes.

And so, here I am and It's december 2005. It's funny how at the brink of such uncertainty, I'm filled with so much hope and faith. Perhaps it could be attributed to the excitement of finally getting total control of my life in June 2006, or perhaps it was the process of which i went through this year - meeting new people - encountering new experiences - or the idea that I'm finally back in reality. What reality? Is this reality? Waking up at 5 with a temporary predicament that I neither love nor abhor, studying with the eventual possibilities, or perhaps following that beat in my soul, that defines the very core of my existence? (oh for heaven's sake, Prasad, reality is what's real for you - not the surrounding) But what about... (there is no buts.. it's either yes, or no..)

Funny how this whole process made me reconcile with things that happened in 2003 and early 2004. The incident and all the consequences that came about with it, is just memory. I'm done.

I'm glad I can finally spend time with my friends and family, with the people I love, those who supported me and were there during the course of this whole year, which wasn't exactly a joy ride. And with my recent investments (hrm.. some new additions to my room) I have resigned to enjoy the decadence I worked so hard for :)

Cheers!
Steve Prasad.

30 September - Friday
4:30 P.M.

What it Ain't

As they were wheeling me in, I remember looking at the white tiled ceiling and at the clouds outside the window. They were silver lined and looked beautiful. I never noticed the clouds in the brink of the day before, but as I was lying down, it looked almost perfect.

P: Why don't they fall? I don't understand.
D: But that's the way it is
P: But they look so big and heavy. They should fall.
D: *laughs*

And that was before I learnt about evaporation and condensation. Funny how, at that moment, my life flashed upon me. I realized how I've stopped asking questions, well, because with books, the internet and well, technology at your doorstep, you don't need to ask Daddy about the clouds anymore right?

These past 3 days were probably the most bloodiest ever. I never realized that much blood could come out of your nose! I guess, 12 years back, I would have asked how that much could come out of such a small thing (organ)?

So, I guess this is it. It's just me and the A'levels. Bring it on!

Steve

21 August - Sunday
9:08 P.M.

The Ultimate

Sometimes, I surprise even myself. In the midst of cramming, sushi gobbling, tea lavishing and reminiscing, I still have the time to defy myself. The ultimate rebel. So that I can finally come back down to earth. To go against me, to me, is the ultimate, as even my diet is Soviet styled. So, how can I explain that sudden streak of spontaneity? Too much under the clutches of the regime? The office riding up my ass? Or perhaps, I just needed a good office table :)

Contradictory? Exactly. I just needed to bring my view down to earth. God bless. Why is it that I'm 20 and i'm worrying about the 300 million people who are dying in Africa, the state in which things are getting uglier day by day, the racial and religious profiling in the travel industry, the violence in India, Bangladesh, the Gaza... Why do i feel so helpless?

I just needed to think about me, for an hour. And it felt good. But as they say, a price has to be paid for all that taste's good. *sneezes*

But anyhow, this past few weeks have been crazy. My friendships, relationships and even my health has taken a back seat. All i wanna do is do as well as I can in this examination. And i'm not letting you get the best of me

Wish me luck.

Steve

11 August - Thursday
4:24 P.M.

Karma

What a week. I am thankful, though. For the kind taxi driver who refused to take any money, but said that it was his duty to bring me to the hospital, for the guy at the gate who allowed me not to scan my card as i told him that I was in pain and was on my way to the hospital, for the woman at the bus-stop who lent me her mobile, as mine was flat. Total strangers but acting out of total kindness. I'm grateful.

Well, apart from saving kittens from tree-tops, watching literature related DVD's at the esplanade library, drinking loads of Green, Earl Grey and Darjeeling Tea and travelling to the hospital, my life has been pretty boring :)

Back to studying!

Steve

17 July - Saturday
12:14 A.M.

Closure

So, if this is a game, and I,
the sole player,
can conduct his own way,
how can there be a winner
when i'm faltering day by day?

This scene: almost enigmatic,
My role: close to insignificant
and by all that has gone
and more that would come,
I seek closure.

With what or with whom?
I'm unsure.
But soon...
I hope.

By Steve Andre.

10 July - Sunday
7:57 A.M.

Moscow

Mythical beings emerge from
the mystic mist,
trees tell the tales
of twenty centuries.
The rivers splash against scenes of serenity,
where domes reflect
Tsarist impetuosity.
Where else could such beauty show?
Only in Moscow.

Steve Andre.

02 July - Saturday
6:33 P.M.

Project Nefertiti

The ancients talked about the dead,
from Karnac to Amara
where the temples were left
in shambles.
Defiled in life,
trapped in Death,
the herecy of one was all they needed.

Steve Andre.

28 June - Tuesday
11:28 P.M.

Harem

I heard they hailed from Dravidia,
where they worshipped the river.
Diaspora unforeseen.
Despair. Struggle.

Conquer!

Home then became a different place
but the blood never changed.
Last year - I was called something else,
This year - a concoction of my own.

Who am I?
Oh wait, what am I?

A concubine of the West.

Steve Andre.

18 June - Saturday
11:40 P.M.

Bang... Bang!

Exactly a year to go. ahhh. It's serial, yet depressing. In retrospect, it always seems longer but well, if only it was that easy. It's funny how we are always trying to control things, our lives, our timetable.. but perhaps the one thing we can't control is time. Speaking of control, there are quite a few things I need to control. First and foremost, my finances. Somehow, (I hope) I feel like I've outgrown the "buying 5 tops at Zara on one occasion" phase. I've not bought much clothes in quite a long time and I'm actually quite proud of that. Though, the mini bar in my room did put a dent in my bank account this month, so the money is being spent. I decided that I need to curb my expenditure, as in a year's time, my monthly income will not come so nicely on time in my bank account. And I'll need to save some money, to pay my phone bills and also settle my furnishing dept that's still quite outstanding. I also intend to do another album at the end of this year and I'm not gonna spend alot like I did on Go Figure. For this, I intend to put most of the effort into the music. Of course, printing and distribution would cost, including postage. But I decided that I'll need to do it economically. There's not gonna be anymore online FCUK shopping sprees, book buys and stuff. I think I have more than enough. After the album, I would wanna use the money to learn some languages, such as French, Japanese & Arabic. These are stuff that I wanna do - to improve and make use of the time I have.

Apart from finances, I need to organize my time. Controlling it, especially in relation to my schedule, is impossible. Organizing it is feasible. But sometimes I do give in to temptation and have a 4 hour afternoon nap. I guess, we are all human :)

So, to me right now, the most important thing is the A'levels. I'm breathing it, dreaming and living it. Ironic that when I was in college doing it, I never did feel so passionate about it. I guess, It's always sweeter when you don't have it. Perhaps it's the age or experience, but I feel pragmatic nowadays. I'd rather stay home and read a book or poetry than go out to a club. I can't remember when's the last time I went to a club. This is stark to the JC1 days of Sentosa and partying till 4 in the morning. Ha. Those were the days.

I think I have become quieter. I used be loud and in your face, but perhaps I don't have the energy anymore for that. Things will never change - the cows will always graze where there's grass - It's probably due to the environment that I'm in everyday too - no questions, just do. There's no such thing as a brain -  oh no wait, there is. It has to have the seal of approval from the big guy. I was thinking that day if I was losing myself day by day - am I? I've not changed essentially - of course there are differences, you know, people develop (hope I have) and this whole brouhaha would and is probably changing me but I don't think it can take who I am inside and who I've grown to be.

I can't imagine that things are gonna change in a year - I'm excited - you can't imagine - but I'm nervous.
What if I don't do well? What if they don't want me?

And as always, I feel like the house heretic. ha.

To all the fathers out there and especially to the one that I love with all my heart, my Dad, Happy Father's Day.

Love,
Steve.

11 June - Saturday
1:53 P.M.

Colorism

It's funny how people talk about racism, but what about colorism? A few weeks back, when I gave a teacher a lift, she was astonished to find out that I was actually South Indian. "Really?, you sure? Most of the South Indians here look like apes" And yes, I'm merely quoting. Oh, did I mention that she's Indian too? I'm sure you've heard the, "Oh she's pretty for an African American" What is that supposed to mean? How can beauty be defined based on color? So, let's think of all the main leading actors and actresses out there who are dark skinned... Okay, we have Danzel... hmmm... Halle's whiter. Eva Mendes is whiter. To have people of your own ethnic group have such colorist views is preposterous. I heard someone mention that to be successful, you'd have to conform to the mass's perspective of beauty. And of course, that would mean the white perspective.

You have whitening creams out there. You don't see darkening ones.

And I thought colonialism ended half a century ago.
Unfortunately, psychologically, we are still colonised.

Steve.

09 June - Thursday
10:13 P.M.

Hiatus after hiatus...

Today, I thought of Baltimore. Strange how for the past year or so, I rarely thought of it - the whole experience and what it all meant. Today, it hit me - while I was climbing up the stairs, getting ready to leave camp. Sometimes, I think of this place, not camp - what it represents - what it has made me do - and what it has made me gain and loss and I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. I know I should be grateful - I have a family I love, friends that mean the world to me, (generally) good health, and most of all, sanity. But why ain't I happy? Why does it feel so empty sometimes?

I've been cramming - oh well, trying to cram for my studies since my exams are 5 months away, and I've been thinking back - what have I been doing all my life? People out there have relationships, are planning to get married, hell, at work, there's a colleague of mine who's 24 and he's already married. Have I lost all emotion to feel?

I miss being young - Okay, I know you're probably thinking, he's only 20, what the hell is he talking about youth and everything? But well, I miss being 15 or 16, when things were different, smaller.

Lately, my entries have been kinda retrospective - hmmm - guess it's probably due to the stress....

Steve

29 May - Sunday
7:29 P.M.

Apache

Today it hit me: I feel so suffocated here. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't express. The thought of living like how everyone does daunts me. Seriously, it horrifies me. How can life be determined by such a mere existence? How can it be filled with such triviality?

I'm tired of being forced to conform. In Primary school, I had to tuck my shirt in, I had to cut my hair to a certain length. I had to play the games that all the other kids did, although I never did enjoy everything they did. In Secondary school, I had to wear white shoes, I had to have my hair cut above my eyebrows, I could not wear coloured contacts. In my (thankfully) brief existence in OI, I had to take out my "Being sexy is a hard job, but someone's gotta do it" key chain, cuz I had to. I had to dye my hair black (oh well, was told to, but never did) because it was brownish, and well, this country only has black haired people right? A brunette's never heard of! It's heretic! Burn the bitch! And now, in the organization that exemplifies conformity to the highest level, well, I don't think you'd wanna hear me rattle about it heh? Believe me, it would go on forever.

But this is it. It's all about following. Everyone's so afraid to just be themselves. Something that's different is taboo. Something that's loud is taboo. Something that is this or that is taboo. I mean, what the fuck is that all about?

I think it has come to a stage where I feel numb. I don't think I can respond to anything anymore. This monotonous routine is crazy. I seriously don't understand how people can do this - do a 9-5 job and be content with everything that it has to offer. Am i being too idealistic here? Or no wait, I know, I'm just being taboo.

Steve.

25 May - Wednesday
10:28 P.M.

The usual banter......

It's funny how I held her in such high regard, and now, she just seems like... anyone. Yup, under that exuberance, positive attitude, sense of humour and outlook, she's just like us: flawed, with all our idiosyncrasies. And to think that my perception of her changed in just one second. So, perhaps I'm not as mature as I thought I was? If not, why didn't I even sense it before? Perhaps, I tend to take things at face value.

So, I guess we are all equipped with the tools to gossip, back stab, boast, deride and curse. It's kinda built in into our system, I think,  carefully. Some of us have more of it, some of us have less of it. The ones who don't have it all (or so they claim) - well, they don't really exist - unless they are really good at suppressing it.

I just read what i wrote above and it just hit me how jaded I've become. I don't think it's just the military - but perhaps it's just natural - the process of growing up. This week wasn't as crazy as I imagined it to be - things at work are going at a slow but steady rate - my studies are well, pretty much stagnated - lo and behold heh? And my love life? Well, what love life?

I decided to give up on all my distractions - yes, I'm sacrificing Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, no movies and also dates. Not like as if there was a queue outside my door prior to this resolution, but well, it's just me making a decision - so that I can focus! Focus!! And I'm trying to do all this (god bless me) caffeine free :) I know. Sounds almost impossible heh? Since I'm trying to cut my sugars, I decided that caffeine had to go too - and believe me, it wasn't an easy decision. So, bye bye Caffeine, custard tarts, chocolate, candy and doughnuts... *mmmm*

Steve Andre

12 May - Thursday
2:21 P.M.

Gossip Folks

It's funny how things can just change in a second - how I feel, my motivation, my drive, my surroundings - It's crazy. I miss those times when I used to wake up, and not worry about a thing in the world. I remember there were times when I used to wake up at like 1 or 2 in the afternoon, and go on the computer till 6, then go out till 9 and write songs till 4 in the morning. Now, my heat beats twice as fast at every ring of the telephone. I don't know why I've become so afraid. And afraid of what?

You took my music, you took my youth, and now you're taking my sanity.

I guess I need to relax and get grounded a bit. Get my life together and focus. I realized that I get thrown off tangent easily and when I do, it's difficult to get me back on the path, as I would feel lethargic or just plain uninterested. And I know what throws me off tangent - sudden changes, that take my focus away from what's really important. I don't understand why I'm actually bothered about the transient when there's more to life than this.

Yes, there's more to life than this.

I don't think I've ever felt so trapped before, enveloped by the pit of bureaucracy and with almost no faith in human nature. I have met people like that before, back-stabbers, bad-mouthers and of course, the hypocritical nice talkers - all I can say is that, I'm more than that. I'm not gonna stoop to that level and lower myself by taking revenge.

Though, I do realize that this is a game and I have to play it right. One wrong move, and I'll go straight to jail.

If I could pull through (barely) 12 years of education (Pyongyang style!) this shouldn't be that difficult.

I have to be honest though, I miss so much of the past - so much of me at a stage where I had so much going on for me and when everything were on my fingertips. Now, I just feel low.

Steve

07 May - Saturday
12:15 P.M.

Lost, Stuck, Alone, Weary

From the Caspian Sea and Caucasus Mountains
to the hills of Galilee,
Straddling East and West,
I find myself
in eternal continuum
Where beyond
is just ashore from the
sea of never-ending moors.
Centuries of land and sea occupied,
Torrents of waves
from the North, that descend:
In complicated topography
that can be explained oh, so simply.

I'm lost. Stuck. Alone. Weary.

By,
Steve Andre.

05 May - Thursday
9:36 P.M.

Aristocrat

We all make such
ubiquitous appearances,
what is out, what is shown
is not what that is always.
The truth:
may seem harder to believe,
the brazen and the coarse
may live the lives as
seemers be.
What you may ask, is my occupation?
I live by the night -
in search of trepidations.
How much for a penny?
How much for a pound?
That's a bargain -
I would proclaim,
while I suffocate the sound.

Steve Andre

02 May - Monday
11:17 P.M.

Tit for tat!

So Joanna asked me a good question today... "What if you don't do so well at the end of this year..?" And then it hit me. I've been working and trying my best to study but what if it doesn't work out? I mean, I'd have to consider an alternative right?

I think sex throws people off balance. Does it for you? It could break monotony, but then, it's kinda hard to get on tangent when you're off.. hrm, tangent. Veronica (or Kirstey Alley as Veronica) once said something truly funny, yet meaningful. The reason why sex felt guilty was because it was sex! If people didn't feel guilty after it, it wouldn't be sex! *grins* Though, she didn't really specify who it referred to, but anyhow.

Shit, did I digress again?

Steve.

01 May - Sunday
9:57 P.M.

And so that was my night

The long celebration of me turning 20 ended last night at my fave place in Singapore, Bugis, Arab Street. Douglas and I had dinner at this great cafe, Cafe Le Caire - the food tasted great, the service was swift, cute staff and great ambience, what more could I have asked for? And so, like the great Egyptians and the Romans who celebrated their conquests and victories over dinners with spreads that could cover almost a section of the Nile, I celebrated (or should I say) completed the last leg of my celebration. And yes, it was great :) I don't know why but Bugis just enthrals me - the air, the music, and the vibe. It's doesn't give me the jolt of the capital with the rush and malls, but it relaxes me. The smell of fantastic food, cooked with such precision, and puddings from Yemen and goodies from Iran and Egypt, I felt like I was on a gondola down the stream of ancient civilizations.

And so that was my night.

Steve.

30 April - Saturday
11:01 A.M.

Utopia

As I was walking along the street, I peered with interest at the stalls - such beautifully crafted work, the designs were magnificent. The prices were kinda absurd though, raised up due to the throng of tourists. I tried crossing the road, the local style, you know, not at the traffic light, and well, unfortunately, I wasn't that successful at manoeuvring. When I got to the other side, I went inside one of my favourite eateries, ordered my food and got a seat. "Why are you staring at me?" My food came - mmmmm - the smell of the flour and chutney was marvellous. I pulled up my sleeves and used both my hands, since it was easier to eat that long thing with all of my 10 fingers. "Why are you staring at me again?" mmmmmmmm. After finishing, I paid for my dinner and browsed at the stuff among the stalls. Interesting craft work. Joanna would love this. Wow, and not for a bad price either. Once that was done, I walked over to the MRT station and took a train home.

I always felt like a tourist in Little India. Oh wait, I always felt like a tourist anywhere.

My Granny was asking me if I loved her like I how i did before? And my reply was, of course. And she said, But you know, you don't do the stuff you used to do before. Okay, so at 8 or 9, I would be hanging on her leg, pleading for her to tell me a story or feed me or wash me, etc. I wish I could still do that now :P I replied, I still feel the same, but I just have no time (to show it). And then I asked myself, was that a reason or excuse? It doesn't take an hour to give her a peck on the cheek or hug everyday? Plus, she's never here and she only visits once a few years. I always reminisce about the stuff my grandma did for me, when i was younger. She practically brought me up, as when she was here in Singapore, she used to take care of me, feed me and I used to sleep beside her in the bed. She used to tell me stories about the Japanese and her younger days and even during the time of the British. And I do love her to bits. Nowadays, I show it by buying food or stuff that she likes for her.

Have I become too jaded for emotion? My schedule sucks. I have work from Monday to Friday, from 9-5. I wake up at 5 A.M. every weekday to get to work. On Mondays to Wednesdays, I have lessons from 7-10 P.M. and I get home by 10:30 or 10:45 P.M. And by the time I bathe, eat and sleep, It's 11:30 or 12 midnight. That leaves me with the maximum of 5 hours of sleep on Mondays to Wednesdays. And on these days, i can only say like 2 words to my Granny, or even to my family. Most of my conversations between my friends are on my breaks at work or on my journey for my lesson. I have become so mechanical, it's crazy.

It's only on Thursdays and Fridays that I can come home straight after work, unless I have duties or something.
And i have Sunday classes too, from 9 A.M. to 12 noon. So, my life is pretty much centered around my studies now. I guess I just have to sacrifice... It's only gonne be like that till November or so. Plus, I really am determined to do my studies well.

Steve.

21 April - Thursday
10:13 P.M.

The Emancipation?

This past few weeks have been crazy - who would have thought that being 20 would be so tiring? Actually, it doesn't feel so different - okay, apart from the fact that I feel a bit older, but I'm essentially the same, with or without the "teen" at the end of my age. With the change of bosses at work, getting used to my classes and trying to juggle with homework - I'm starting to think if all this is really worth it? I feel perpetually tired. But then, I felt like this about 2 years ago when I was in College. Perhaps it's the school work? But it's good to be thinking again - I'm doing essays, writing notes and studying and it's a good break from the past year of doing.. err.. well, nothing :)

I decided to quit California Fitness. Yup, after a year of trying to gym, I realized that well, there's no use trying when I don't even have time to try. And to finance that little bar in my room, I've gotta save up. Those Apricot Brandy's' aren't cheap. Well, it's gonna be sad, as I did enjoy doing the weights and using the steam room, but well, all things have to come to an end.

And so here I am, at a totally different place as I was 2 years ago, but I still feel the same. Tired. Ha. Well, that's what the system does to you.

I think it still hasn't hit me that I'm 20. 20 years old. I can remember stuff that happened when I was 15 and 16, and it's weird to think that all that was way back in the past. But anyhow, I've been technically celebrating it in phases. First it was the countdown-cake-cutting-celebration with Joanna on the eve of my birthday, then it was the dinner-and-clubbing-celebration thing with Rohai and Kelvin on the day after and this weekend, I'm having them over for drinks and finger food for another round of celebration. I've been turning 20 every weekend for the past 3 weeks :) And actually, I have no complaints :) Oh yeah, and tomorrow Adrianna and I are gonna do what we're good at - eat & cam whore :)

I can't wait for the day when I can feel free. Free. When I can walk out and look back and laugh. "It was all an act - we were all acting with insignia and pretending to enjoy it.. The scenes just kept replaying itself every day.. after day.. after day... over and over again. The guns and everything didn't mean a thing." Perhaps I'll just forget everything? Hrm, I don't know. I can't remember when's the last time I felt free, oh wait, I think I do. It was in Baltimore.

Night

Steve.

08 April - Friday
12:45 P.M.

Another day, another year.

Yesterday was crazy. I woke up at 9 in the morning and I only sat down at about 1130 p.m. There were loads of things to do - curtains, the carpenter's men were here to install the mirrors and in the midst of all of that, I wasn't really thinking about how yesterday was my last day being 19. Yup, it's a new digit now, no more teen. Thanks to Rohai who turned 20 in Jan, I have been thinking about how I'd feel about it. Do I evaluate the past 2 decades? In terms of what I've accomplished? But I thought about it and I realized that all the stuff that could potentially go down on my resume didn't really mean a thing. I'm glad that at 20, I'm sure of myself, I know who I am, I'm confident and I have the greatest family and friends in the world. People who can never be replaced and who I love dearly. I'm glad that I'm motivated, can communicate coherently, have aspirations and most of all, went through those 19 years, as I'm what I am now, through what I experienced.

It's strange. 20 doesn't really feel different. I guess I'm not used to it yet. Having Tiramisu at 12 midnight, with strawberries and blueberries with my family and Joanna was more than I could ask for, for a welcome into my 20th year. 19 was pretty stagnant, thanks to my current "job", but well, sometimes stagnation can be a blessing and I'm grateful for that. How's 20 gonna be? hrm... I don't know. Actually, I don't really wanna know :)

To all who messaged and called me, I'm touched.
Thanks.

Steve Andre.

24 March - Thursday
9:55 P.M.

In or out?

What's with the sudden tightening of the grip? Hrm... for the last 8 months or so, things have been changing... slowly in this Republic. Okay, so my phone lines could be tapped, I know for sure that I can't write another article about rimming (and this is because that would be encouraging "deviant sexual behaviour") but what's with the sudden outburst about "alternative lifestyles" and going against "family values"?

As usual, this country does what it's good at: labelling. Ironic how they are trying to remodel the education system to allow their students to think (oh and this is because previously, they were "programmed" to memorize), but here they are telling people what is "acceptable and not to society" and dictating how an individual should live his/her life?

Actually, it's no surprise to me at all. This place tries to look outwardly modern, progressive and chic but is inwardly conservative and still traditional. Doesn't it look nice on our tourism brochures? The pseudo first world country in Asia. Oh wait, democracy and freedoms not included. Each sold separately.

Perhaps I never saw this side of home? Well, my friends and I all live similar lives, visit the same clubs, eat at the same restaurants and well, our personal lives are pretty much the same too. How can anyone actually object to somebody else's lifestyle? It's absurd and blatant ignorance.

Well, I'm embarrassed and not surprised that U2 still doesn't wanna step into our shores.

Steve.

23 March - Wednesday
2:17 P.M.

Sitar Wings

Okay, so sometimes I can get over myself. With the intense Anglo environment that I've indulged oh so passionately since young, perhaps at times I tend to forget who I am. "Curry? Urgh, I don't eat spicy food" "Thaipusam? It's this Friday? Even I didn't know that"

So, yes, I've always felt like an outsider. I never really did fit in. I'm not gonna apologize for my taste in European fashion and French deserts. I'm not gonna apologize for my accent. I'm not gonna apologize for my ambiguity.

Every time I hear that story - it gives me the chills. Could someone actually have the heart to do such a thing? And the ways and the customs that followed amazes me. I can't remember a thing. I remember how I used to pray in Sanskrit with my granny when I was younger. I remembered every word then. I can't remember a thing now. Those were the days.

I never really had a view of myself or of my identity. I never could really identify myself in a group. I have always been an individual and communal stereotypes are just not me.

Thanks granny, for helping me remember. I need to. Sometimes I need to, to get a grip of myself.

Prasad.

17 March - Thursday
1:11 P.M.

And So I Snapped

Well, it was high time. I just couldn't take it anymore. All the stupid excuses and nonsense, it just got over me. I'm washing my hands after this. I'm 19 and I DON'T Have to feel 29. I DON'T.

And So I Snapped.

Steve.

14 March - Monday
3:09 P.M.

What A Way To Start A Day

We could have met,
Like a throng of people,
Like or unlike,
It could have been any other day.
Strangers, lovers, friends
all in one room.
Arabican beans, smells of
toast, muffins and
blind dates on nonchalant seats.
You left
And I never came.
What a way to start a day.

Steve.

09 March - Wednesday
12:58 A.M.

Me & My Best Friends

 
 

08 March - Tuesday
10:14 P.M.

Strings

< Perhaps you should go to a poly after your NS? I mean, it's the poly students that are getting the jobs nowadays.
> But I'm in The Army and I can't do a polytechnic education now... I'm capable of doing my A'levels well again, I am.

< Hey, remember me?
> Yes, I do. How you doin man?
< Oh, not bad. Just got my A'level results today.
> Really? Cool. How did you do? *hrmmm*
< Ok. Not too bad.
> Oh, what did you get?
< I got AAA.
> And that's just ok????

< So, what are your plans after?
> Well, I might travel for a while or see how it goes when the time comes.
< Ah ok.

< If only you did better, it's such a waste of 2 years
> But it was more than just the education. Ok, so I made a mistake. But atleast I'm trying again?

< Hey, haven't heard from you in ages
> Yeah, been thinking alot. This break obviously wasn't good.. for everything
< Ok

Steve

07 March - Monday
11:38 P.M.

Mindfuckeritis

I don't understand people anymore. I think there's this special convention that's goin on somewhere that's teaching people to do the "hokey-pokey" in relationships. You know, they come in, get a cocktail, sit down for 3 hours and hear a quack outline the methods of mind fucking with your partner. It's sacred, a skill only a few can acquire. And only a few graduate with flying colors, these are called the ultimate mindfuckers (Unfortunately, my friends and I have had the privilege of adding these skilled subjects into our lives) Well, somehow, I managed to get my hands on the handbook (don't ask me how) and here's what the lecture's about:

Chapter 1 - Put your right heart in (Take your left heart out!)
Chapter 2 - Act Interested
Chapter 3 - The ancient art of lying, the do's, the don't and the classics! (This chapter includes noteworthy quotes from famous individuals, George Bush, Bill Clinton.. etc)
Chapter 4 - How to act emotional, yet draw back at the right time!
Chapter 5 - The Phone Rules (Who should call who, when and what time) This chapter includes tips on causing hurt to the other party based on the number of waiting minutes. Very helpful. There's a table that shows the degree of pain that can be caused.
Chapter 6 - Sweeping it all under the carpet (Pyongyang style!)
Chapter 7 - The Final blow

Hrmm. All we need is a few more of these conventions and they could form a cult. Well, anyway, all of you out there, beware. These "graduates" blend easily with the sane and morose. Symptoms include heavy involvement, emotional stress, potential relationship hopes and of course the classic, silence. If you are with someone or is dating someone like that, seek help immediately (for yourself!)

Steve.

03 March - Thursday
11:22 P.M.

Oh drama, drama! wherefore art thou drama?

Exhausted. That's the only one word I can think of right now to describe how I'm feeling. For the past few weeks, it's been crazy. Well, the house is still neither here or there. But since I ended up assuming total control, I'm gonna rush it and get everything done ASAP. I need my life back.

Anyhow, I got my classes confirmed and yes, I'm officially a student again :)

I'm too tired to even type. Brrr

Steve.

24 February - Thursday
6:19 P.M.

Salem's Dusk

I'm finally unveiling the tracklisting of the album that I wrote last year. This is the most personal album I've ever written and thinking back, it was the most fulfilling. I started writing the core of the album in February, when I first got enlisted into the Army. The main themes were developed around that time as well. But there are tracks that were written prior to the February fiasco. As much as February 2004 symbolized a change in me, in every aspect imaginable, I wanted to include tracks that were written prior to that period, so as to show some continuity and growth. And although the tone of the songs might not be the same, they tell a story. The story of my life.

Song writing have always meant more to me than just a form of expression, it was my outlet. It probably saved me thousands of dollars of money that I would have used to pay a therapist. This album was beyond everything else. The scope was bigger. The messages were louder. I wasn't just using imagery or being subtle about things anymore. In this album, I said it all and I said it out loud. With "Salem's Dusk", I felt a new side me being born. The style I used was different, the way the words were put were different - it wasn't meant to fit the tune anymore. It was meant to fit everything else. And alot of the tracks also took an abstract turn, it was more experimentative than any other album. This album also took me the longest to write. I think I took about 8 months to write it, which is quite an exception considering the ones I've written before. So, this is it, after a year, I'm finally talking about the album, that I feel, represents every single atom of my body: "Salem's Dusk".

Here's the tracklisting:

1. That You Do
2. Wanna Do It With?
3. Deadlock (No Reason)
4. Hold Up The Drama
5. Insomnia
6. Open Mind
7. Yes, Sir!
8. Salem's Dusk
9. Just A Game
10. Nothing For Sure
11. They Suffered
12. Vuoto

I decided to call the album, "Salem's Dusk" as, that is the most personal song in the album. It was about everything that was going on around me, at that time. Even now, when I read the lyrics, I would get emotional to a certain extent and that song represented all the shit that I went through, in the beginning of last year. I wish I could record this album - in my opinion, it would be my best work. Unfortunately, I don't have time at all. But i'm glad I atleast wrote it. And in this album, alot of the issues that I discussed were based on global issues. It wasn't just about me anymore.

Things are getting settled - which is good. I'm getting my lessons finalized and my classes will be starting in March. And i'm gonna be studying :) It feels like I'm rewinding the years back to 2003 - which is kinda freaky. But well, atleast I have the chance to.

So, I finally feel like there's some hope. Yeah, I know. Kudos to the negativity eh? But that's what happens when so much shit happens and being in the Army doesn't really help preserve your innocence. So, yeah I'm jaded, but atleast I'm hopeful.

Steve.

19 February - Saturday
1:41 P.M.

Drop it like it's...

The weather's been crazy in Singapore for the past few days. It's 34 degrees now. 34! I'm someone who can take heat and even on generally warm days, I would wear long sleeves and i'd feel just nice. But for the past few weeks, I've been sweating more than usual. urgh.

2 days go, on my one year anniversary of getting enlisted, vivid images flashed through my head. It was the morning. It was dark, but there was just this uncertainty in the air, perhaps just more around me. I woke up, forced some toiletries into my bag, actually did my hair, and went to have some breakfast. I can remember my mind being blank. I couldn't think. There was no after. It was just now.

I remember my mother coming along with me. And during the whole ride, I was silent. Well, there was pretty much nothing to say. A few days prior, I had a talk with the manager. "I'm sorry - I have to call it off. This was not supposed to happen. I'm sorry for all the trouble". And with that, I just let it slip by. The conversation was probably only 5-10 minutes, but it seemed like forever.

And as I waited for the bus, familiar faces surfaced. These faces from the past would act as a cushion to the pain and everything else that would come by. I just had to wait. And like that, my whole life changed. I was leaving my days of school and friends behind. This was a different phase. A phase I never expected.

It was nostalgic thinking about all that. It was one year ago, but I could remember exactly how I felt at that instant when everything changed. Well, somehow, with a twist of fate, my life was pretty much restored. Pretty much. Well, after one year, I still haven't figured out alot of things. Though, I have a good feeling about things that are to come and now that I've settled down with the moving, I can focus on getting my lessons confirmed and stuff.

It's funny. I consider myself a private person. I tell people that too. People at work know nothing about my personal life, my likes, my ways, basically they don't know anything about me. I don't even give info to people that I meet, be it my last name or whatever. But here I am writing about how I feel on a website, for the whole world to see. Ironic? hrm...

Steve

14 February - Monday
11:59 P.M.

Me, Myself & I

It was a fruitful day. And I didn't think I'd have so much fun. And yes, I was alone. But sometimes, it's the time you spend with your self's that hard to come by. After the whole settling down with the house and duties at camp, today was my day off. Actually, I look a day leave, but my mind was switched off from everything else. I spent the whole day running around town, getting errands and went to Arab street to look at textiles. I actually forgot that it was Valentine's day but it kept getting shoved in my face with people carrying flowers and balloons of all shapes invading the streets. At first I found it annoying, pardon me, I'm just not into the sweet gestures and stuff. But then, I thought it was amusing. $60 for a tiny box of chocolates at Marks & Spencer? Ha. I could get a hotel room for that price, a nice one, even.

I went to Joanna's place last week and it's funny how I've known her for more than 3 years, but last week was the first time I saw her room. And it was the simplest of evenings, but it was probably the most fun I've had in weeks. Just eating just about everything and talking about, hrm.. just about everything can be extremely therapeutic. There has been close to almost no drama down my alley, and I'm quite proud of it :) Well, I'm getting my daily feeds from Joanna & Adrianna, oh and let's not forget Rohai.

Tomorrow (it's already the 15th now..), it would be my one year anniversary of getting enlisted in the army. It was this time, last year, when everything seemed so fucked up. I felt like my sanity was hanging on a piece of thread. Music? University? Army? Those were the stuff that preoccupied my thoughts. Funny how, 1 year down the road, those are still the same things that are floating through my head.

It's been a year, but it feels like a month.

Steve.

13 February - Sunday
7:10 A.M.

Welcome Home :)

Oh.. arh! Darn. Climbing out of the window is really not my style. Climbing in seemed fun, almost Alias-like. The only thing missing was a walkie-talkie (and no, there was no tight leather involved, unfortunately). Funny how, I don't feel a thing at all. It ended as quickly as it started and as much as the co-incidences were crazy, and I mean, too crazy to be true, it was like toying with something so familiar, yet unfamiliar. I needed it. I needed it so bad. Now when I think back, it was my homecoming. No more "getting over", and I'm not even gonna mention a name because the last thing I wanna do is give you the satisfaction. And when I mean you, I mean, YOU, as in all of you reading this.

And yes, so it's out of character. And yes, it's not my style. But you know what, sometimes we all just gotta fuck it.

I'm over you, finally.

So, this is it. I can feel it. A new phase. Well, I've been really good since Christmas. It was high time to misbehave.. a bit. darn. Adrianna's gonna be glad that I'm catching up :)

Night, or wait, morning :)

Steve

02 February - Wednesday
11:39 P.M.

Finally, some normalcy!

It's funny how a few seconds could change your mood, feelings and even your future. Today, I managed to get the stuff at work sorted out (divine intervention? Hmmm... not sure though). The outcome could have gone either this way or that way. On one way, my life would remain stable (for now) and the other way, it would change drastically. I managed to attain some sort of normalcy in my life today and I'm grateful. Sometimes, I guess I do take advantage of the privileges I get at work (don't we all, at times?) and this is a good lesson. What a week. I cracked my brains for a week, groaned throughout the whole moving process and I haven't even unpacked a box yet. I think i was so depressed this week that even after receiving the good news, I felt numb. I was too tired mentally and psychologically to respond happily. Though, in my heart, there was a sigh of relief.

I stopped by at my old place just now to get the mail and I decided to take the lift up to my old place and just take a peek of the house. And with all the plants and everything gone, it just looked so strange, so naked. Stripped of all it's life. I stood there for a minute and just reminisced. Annoyingly though, I'm beginning to like this house.

I feel so much better, you cannot imagine.

Steve.

01 February - Tuesday
10:09 P.M.

The Eastern Suburbia

I can still remember it. The last moment I stood in my room, (my ex-room, actually). Memories of the years spent in the room flashed in my mind. I remember when it took me a week to stick 600 glow-in-the-dark constellations on my ceiling one by one. I remember getting rid of the horrid black sofa and putting a new TV stand. I remember Rohai and I running to my place almost everyday from school to eat Gado Gado on the floor (cuz sitting on the grey sofa bed was unthinkable and, as much as my mum would say that I specifically said that I wanted one, to set the record straight, I didn't)  and watch TV or just chill and take pictures. I remember when Loke Wei, Nagas and Chun Cheong came over and well, we had a blast clowning around. I remember Adrianna coming over and playing with my (Ikea) snake and taking a picture of our reflection on my mirrored cupboard doors. I remember lying on my bed watching Gilmore Girls on Sunday's at 6 p.m. and writing songs on my bed till the morning. I remember when I first entered the army and when I couldn't come home for 2 and a half weeks, and when I finally did, my room was my Eden. And so that was it. I stood at my door, gave my room a last look, and said goodbye to the 9 years of memories that I had with that room. Although I have left the house, that house will never leave me.

This is my 4th day in this house. The first day was chaotic, with boxes around and I went to the mall to get food for the men who moved the stuff and when I entered the mall, perhaps I had the "Out of Towner" look on my forehead but I think the people around sorta sensed it and were looking at me. The place and people are quite different from Tampines and I guess I'm gonna need more time to get used to it all.

Please pardon my last entry. Everything was just crumbling. It was with all the moving, stuff at work and my personal life as well. I just felt so helpless. I still do, actually. Nothing has really changed. I guess, things at home are better and in regards to my personal life, I'm quite over the recent brouhaha. I guess, it's just the stuff at camp that's bothering me and preoccupying my thoughts right now. It's ironic how this year started so well. I felt so good on New Year's Day. It was this limitless bliss that engulfed my whole being. I felt elated and everything felt perfect. My life is far from perfect, believe me, but whatever that I had felt perfect. I miss that feeling.

I miss that feeling.

Who would have thought that things would get fucked up so quickly?

Steve.

28 January - Friday
1:10 P.M.

I feel like killing myself.

Steve.

23 January - Sunday
7:05 A.M.

You gotta know how to relax,
You gotta know how to breathe,
You gotta let some blood into your brain,
Forget about makin ends meet.

My SAT's are over. Yay! Although I didn't do approximately 10-12 questions, I think I might do ok. Some of the words I studied actually came out. So, yeah. Well, I'm in the midst of moving, and it's crazy how much trash you can accumulate in 20 years of your life. I still have the National Geographics from 1988. Hrm, I didn't wanna throw them away though. I mean, they are so old, almost artifacts :P I never realized that I had soo many books. I think while growing up, when my attention shifted to song writing and music, I stopped reading alot of books and I think I totally forgot how I used to love reading books. And I still do.
Well, gotta go back to packing those boxes.... *yawn*

Steve.

20 January - Thursday
1:13 A.M.

Playing Picasso

2 days to my SAT exam. 9 days to the new house. 78 days to my 20th birthday. Infinity to the end of my single hood *grins*. 15 years here and I'm gonna be leaving. Well, I guess I'll just have to get used to it (You know, sometimes I feel like I'm repeating it, in hope that I'll actually believe it!) I mean, if Spain could embrace Islam overnight quite a few centuries ago, I guess I could move to a new place. This past few days were crazy - I got fucked at work, but I took a day off tomorrow, so I sorta feel all right. And I received a free ticket for the movie, "Alfie" in the mail, so most probably, I'll treat myself to a (complimentary) movie next week.

I've been writing some new songs this past week and I'm really proud of them. I think this whole abstract writing has really developed into a style. I find that when I'm in one of those deeply intense moods, I tend to put things out metaphorically. The first pieces I wrote with this style was "Salem's Dusk", "Vuoto", and the latest, "Playing Picasso".  I have decided that the new album will be called, "Playing Picasso" and it would include atleast 12-14 tracks. I would unveil the track listing for this album and the one I completed last year once I finish moving and get the time to sort out the track listing.

I had such a good start to this year. For once in my life, that empty feeling.. just wasn't there. I felt like everything was complete. Like finally, I'm able to have something. For once. That was a good feeling. "Playing Picasso" is about the different feelings that I end up feeling, due to my experiences. And my experiences usually constitute the different people in my life. The thing about me is that, my moods change drastically, and in a second it can go from pathetic to peaceful (and no, I wouldn't give any credit to Roaccutane). I think alot of us, who live tiring metropolitan lives, tend to exhaust ourselves, not only with work, but with the feelings we feel, through pondering, retrospection and last but not least, regret. In this album, there are songs about my work, my personal life, and my opinions. Everyday, I am playing picasso with my life, painting my own path and brushing away what I want to forget, or worst still, don't want to remember. And the songs that I write, to me, are more that just mere words on a piece of paper. To me, they are pieces of art, something that represents my feelings and thoughts at a particular time at a particular point in my life. Nobody can change or take that away from me. I think, in life, we all end up playing picassos, painting our own future within our own destiny, and that's why I felt that the title was appropriate for this collection of songs that i've written in the past 6-8 month period. It's not aggressive or in your face, or doesn't push any boundaries like "Salem's Dusk". It's rnb, soothing but reflective. And I'm really proud of it.

Well, I should be off to bed :) I'm tired - tired of waiting.
Steve.

17 January - Monday
11:11 P.M.

Don't you dare mention the 'H' word!

I feel like I've gotten control of my life, finally, this year :) At work, the Logistics Readiness Inspection started today, so I was sorta wrapped up with back log (That's what happens when you declare a 2 day week :P) I'm actually studying for my SAT's, which is like the first. I managed to finish all the strategies of the verbal sections and I have a few more from the math sections to do. Why am I motivated? Hmmm... well, perhaps this is the only thing that can get me away from the freakin house. If i hear the words, cupboard, paint, bed, curtains, desk, moving and "do you want to come to the house", I'm gonna scream. No. I'll swear a few times, then fucking scream.

So, it's the SAT's this Saturday, partial moving on Saturday/Sunday and by next week, I think I'd be in the new house. *sigh* I'm so gonna miss this place. Well, but as Joanna said, change could be invigorating once you learn how to appreciate it. So, I guess I'll just have to give the house a chance. And maybe, myself too.

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm exhausted.
Steve.

13 January - Thursday
12:32 P.M.

Hey, wait, am I getting paid for this?

I received an e-mail from the magazine, and it was the ad for the new issue that's gonna be distributed in like 1 week or so. Well, I was quite aware that my article would be included since the editor wanted it by the deadline (though, I only gave it a week after the deadline :P) and in the ad, there was a picture and below that the tag line was something like, "In this issue we push it to the limit... "kylie bares it all and we even ask if "rimming" is the new "blowjob?"! I was like, woah. My article actually managed to get headlined, but I was like, hrm, wait, have I gotten paid for this yet? I guess one thing about the acting/writing industry is that the cheques take forever and I have to suppress all that anticipation and want, when I pass by the apple store. Bah.

After a weary visit to the hospital, I realized that I have tonsillitis, and 2 doctors have already suggested to me that I should remove them. Though, the only worry on my mind right now is my voice. I don't think I would wanna do anything to jeopardize that. And as I was getting myself registered at the registration counter, and I said i was asthmatic, the receptionist was like, "Are you baby's son?" and I was like, "Yeah...." (God, what happened to the days of remembering someone by name but not illness), "Oh, I'm your aunt". See, that always puzzles me. I end up meeting family wherever I go. Perhaps, it's just my ignorance, but you can't possibly expect me to remember all the 101 aunts, uncles and cousins? So, there I was, talking to an aunt that I never really knew. You know, this actually brings something else to mind, but I don't think i'm gonna talk about it, all i can say is, when you're going out on a date with someone, check!! You never know. urgh.

I have my SAT's in 9 days, and I'm moving in 2 weeks. urgh. Not done much for both. Well, not gonna brood anymore. I'm gonna be heading off to study soon.

Steve.

11 January - Tuesday
1:33 A.M.

6 reasons to perhaps, why, I'm not getting a reply:

1) Perhaps, the person lost the mobile
2) Perhaps, the person is busy? Of course, with work. I mean, we all know how crazy deadlines can be.
3) Perhaps, the person's asleep. I mean, we all do need our rest.
4) Perhaps, my number got misplaced? I mean, our technological lives are confusing enough, how can we possibly remember every number?
5) Perhaps, the line couldn't get through? Well, satellites do screw up too.
6) Perhaps, it's just not gonna work.

Rohai's Birthday dinner celebration at Goodwood Park hotel was too good to be true. I was dreaming of the buffet on Saturday night! Well, after describing the spread to Adrianna, we both decided that we'd pig out at the hotel this Friday :) I'm looking forward to more smoked salmon, oysters, mussels, pasta, pizza, cakes and ice cream :) *mmmm* As much I'm particular about what I eat and the amounts I eat, I thought, screw it, I'm gonna live this weekend. And plus, I don't wanna eat till I puke but I just wanna share the experience with Adri.

My Gran's finally here in Singapore. I just went to fetch her from the airport and she'll be spending at least 3 months here. Her visit usually spells two things: 1) I'm gonna put on more weight, as I'll be tagging along with my mother who'd wanna bring my gran to all the buffets and various restaurants offering the food she loves, 2) I'll (end up trying to) speak more Tamil. Well, of course, I've no problem with the food thing, however, I don't think I'll attempt ordering food at the coffee shop in Tamil again - I've had enough of waiters laughing and giggling at my horrid pronunciation. Bah.

Well, my first week of January was good. Nothing extraordinary happened and I had a great time chilling with Rohai and Serene that day at the hotel and The Marriott after dinner for drinks. I decided that I have to get more involved with the house - considering that we'd probably move at the end of January and I wouldn't want my room to suck. So, I'm gonna head down to Ikea tomorrow to check out the furniture and get some ideas and hopefully pin down what I'd wanna do in my room. I just wanna do the basic stuff, a work desk, change the bed frame and stuff like that. The accessories like pillow cases and stuff could always be gotten later.

Ok, gonna be heading off to bed soon :)
Nite,
Steve.

07 January - Friday
2:37 A.M.

What More Can I Ask?

So, here it is. My first entry for this new year. All I can say is that I have nothing to complain or whine about. It's 2005 baby.

I have no expectations at all for this year - I mean, I have aims but I'm not expecting anything at all. I'm just gonna live everyday as it comes. And as of now, all I can say is that I'm happy. Yup, I finally feel happy. And you know I'm hard to please.

From Marque's party to the Family New Year's Eve dinner to Rohai's Birthday celebration later today, this week has been filled with meeting up with the people I love and matter in my life. And yup, I'm just gonna celebrate that for as long as I can.

Steve.